make my kid stop being so mean

There's a lot of talk about kids being picked on, but what if your the parent of the kid who's doing the picking? Where's your support group? Chances are, you have a child who's stuck and doesn't know to get out of the rut (reputation) he/she's created. Here are 3 easy steps to start helping your child quit being so mean.

1. reach out
Your child may be thinking: I'll start picking on you before you start picking on me! This line of thought keeps your child in control, using fear as a wall to keep others from getting too close and seeing his/her inadequacies. Help your child go out on a limb and make friends. Have adult get togethers in your home with one or two other kids present--as in visible to the adults at all times. Your child will feel safe in his/her own home and the adult presence will squash the temptation to start dishing out negativity. Repeat these get-togethers regularly with the same kids and parents in an effort to build bonds for your child (and you, too, with the parents). Eventually the bonds will transfer to the playground and fun will replace name calling.

2. shift blame
Many times, kids feel they are mean in response to some injustice they've received. The finger is always pointing somewhere else. There is a saying: Where ever you go, there you are. If the isolation and negativity follows your child from one setting to another, it's time to look inside. What small change is your child willing to make? Perhaps your child will say: I'll stop calling Joey a "stupid dork." True, it's not the full extent of what you hoped your child would say, but it is a start, and it is on your child's terms. Go with it. What's most important here is that your child is learning to modify his/her behavior to change the outcome of a situation. By not relying on blame, your child will gain some control over what happens next--in a positive way.

3. release the trap
Explore new ideas for hobbies. Your child might feel trapped in the "mean" reputation, thinking: If I'm not the mean kid, then who am I? Offer alternatives, try rock climbing, swimming, bmx, skateboarding, sailing, football, baseball, reading, drama...throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. Your child, no matter how reluctant, will eventually find something interesting to do. Kids are amazingly forgiving. Your child will be able to assume a new, positive identity and have friends.