...look the part

You sure look tired, let's take a load off. What's on your mind, you look worried? Let me help you, you look lost.

These are all very helpful--when your actually feeling tired or worried or lost. But what about all the other times these kind gestures are offered and you aren't feeling any of the above feelings?

Today, my son me if he could wear his new glasses in the rain and when I answered if you want to, he asked me why I looked so worried, was I mad?

hmm...what isn't connecting?

1. check facial expression
My facial expression was not matching my thoughts. When I answered him, I was not thinking about glasses in the rain, so I did not look the way I felt about his glasses in the rain. Our face is a reflection (read: dead give-away) of our current thought.

2. mentally shift gears
How many times a day do you find yourself thinking about one thing and responding to another? Mentally shifting gears from one thought to the other helps. Hit the pause button in your brain before entering any sort of conversation.

3. use word markers
Adding a few extra words can mark the shift between internal thoughts and current conversation: Hang on while I finish this text and I'll be right with you, or, I'm sorry, I was thinking about "x," what did you say? These markers let the speaker know that you are transitioning from another thought to their comment.

Have a zen moment, be in that conversation.

Yes, you say, maybe in a perfect world, but multi-tasking is a part of life. True, but the few seconds it takes to shift gears and focus on the person looking at you could make all the difference in assuring your true feelings are understood.

...jump into the conversation

Although no one ever told me directly, I always assumed blogs were for talking. I'd get a site with my name on it and spend the rest of the time talking about what I liked to talk about. The only problem is it gets a little lonely talking to myself. In fact, I can talk to myself at home, without a blog!

This assumption (and you know what they say about assumptions--everyone's got one!) that blogs are for talking is flawed. What I've discovered is that blogs are for conversations! Yes, a true "duh" moment for those techies in the know, but for someone new to the blogosphere a real "aha" moment, indeed.

I'm certain I was not alone in this discovery, and wish I could have figured it out sooner. Here's what I disovered in 3:

1. jump in!
Jumping into a conversation is hard. The water can be cold sometimes, but jump in anyway. Dipping your toe in the pool is not the same as a cannon ball, which is not the same as a belly flop. Be yourself, find a conversation you like and introduce yourself.

2. pick your side
Choosing a side of debate even harder. Where do you stand? Are you vegan? Do you hunt? Are you homeschooling or choosing public schools? You have something important to say that people want to hear.

3. defend it
Defending a position with style and grace, not to mention knowledge...that's where it's at. No one listens to an obnoxious know-it-all or the pessimistic I-told-you-so. People will, however, listen to a polite let's-debate-both-sides and a curious enlighten-me-to-your-side. It's a give and take, you defend your side, and so does your conversational partner.

Contrary to common thought, the cyber and real worlds are not that different. Who in the real world would let someone interrupt a conversation to launch into a lecture? Not many. Why then is it assumed that anything different would happen in the cyber world?

...listen to a friend

Most counseling books will tell you that in order to really help someone feel heard you must use
"reflective listening," which comes out as a you feel/because statement. In other words, when your friend is sobbing, hyperventilating, and saying that she just broke up with the love of her life, you are to answer:

You feel sad because you and Ray just separated.

Hmmm....would that help you if you were the one sobbing?

Can we agree that this response would not be the best thing a trusted friend could say? If not reflective listening, then what? You could join right in the tears, get angry at the love that left, say you saw this coming months ago, ask tons of questions about details, push the friend to "forget about it"--the options are endless. But these aren't much more help, either.


1. be quiet
Sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do. Not everyone wants counseling all the time. Just sit with your pal, let the tears flow, hear the story again and again to get the emotions out. Your shoulder was chosen for a reason, you've done this before and were good at it.


2. smile
Not a big goofy smile, but one that let's the speaker know you care. It can be a smile through tears, a smile that says, "I love you" to a dear friend, or a simple smile to say, "I'm here for you."

3. touch
Reach out, hold a hand, rub a shoulder--touch conveys so much. Show your support without words (for the moment). We find comfort in connections, touch is a tangible connection.

Crying on a friend's shoulder is the best therapy money can't buy.

Friends are not therapists, as therapists are not friends. The two play very different roles in the theater of life. Be the friend that your friend is looking for :)

wisdom shmisdom

Conventional wisdom says things like stay out of harm's way and don't bite off more than you can chew. I heard conventional wisdom talking, but I wasn't listening. Instead, it was my husband's smile I followed.

"You ready to kiteboard?" Steve says with a big smile.

You mean right now? I was just getting ready to __________. In my head I filled the blanks with everything from "read my book," to "watch the kids," even "go get you a beer." But the truth of the matter is that I knew the wind would not be perfect for long, and chances of finding another empty beach with miles of shallows would be slim, so what was I waiting for? The shark to leave? Perhaps. "Go get your board shorts on," Steve says. But...I...

Ten minutes later, and in board shorts, we head out with the kite. After a few squirrel-ly tries, and many screams surely heard in Mexico (we were in the gulf off Florida) I held on to the kite for dear life as it hauled me through the water, yanking me from left to right as the kite swung in the wind--otherwise known as a body drag.

Yes, the kiteboarding happened--just not with the board under my feet and with Steve dragging along behind me. It works for me! btw, the shark I knew I saw earlier this week was, in fact, a manatee. He cruises along the shore most afternoons.

Mind over shark...I mean "matter"

Day one at the beach provides great wind. Steve gets the kite while I swim in the surf with the kids. The water is warm and shallow for quite a distance out. The three of us are floating and diving down to find sand dollars and jumping over the waves. We are the perfect picture of a Florida beach get-away. Until, that is, I look up...a gigantic hammer head shark is cruising right next to us!

Now, I'm not good with guessing sizes, but this shark was longer than Steve (who is 6'4"). In a frenzied instant, I gather (read: drag) the kids to the shore. Evan keeps asking, "What was it, what did you see?"

"Oh, just a big ray. I wanted to get a better view of it from the shore, let's look at it." We see the shark still cruising--not curving like a dolphin, not coming up for air like a manatee, and, as Evan noted, not flying like a ray.

Evan says, "Mom, that's not grey like a ray, it's a lot darker."

"umhmm."

He adds, "And it's not shaped like a ray, it's more like the shape of a big log."

"umhmm" I answer again. By now Steve is back with the kite nearly fully inflated. I tell him about the shark, debate whether or not to let the kids know what it really was and then securely park myself under the umbrella in the dry sand for the rest of the afternoon.

No kiteboarding yet. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

3 reasons why I'm learning to kiteboard next week

Image by jcsuperstar60 via Flickr

My husband, Steve, loves to kiteboard. For two years now I've watched and listened and played with the trainer kite. This year is it, I'm gonna' do it! Next week is kiteboarding 101 for me and Steve is the teacher. Why you ask? Well, I'm into the lists, so here are my 3 reasons why I'm learning to kiteboard.

1. Nothing to lose
Truly, what do I have to lose by trying something new? Will I be embarrassed if I do multiple faceplants in the water and rise up with snot strung from ear to ear? Probably, but my husband's seen me worse. Will I make a fool out of myself in front of the other beach-goers as I drag through the sand and surf? Maybe, but chances are I'll never see them again. Yep, the way I see it, I've got nothing to lose.

2. Everything to gain
How much fun to fly through the air on a kite board. I may not look like the guy in the photo my first time out, but will eventually. Let's say I don't ever boost, I'll still know how to fly the kite. Worst case, I'll gain the knowledge that I don't ever want to fly that &%$#@*! kite again. No matter how you turn it, I'll walk away with more knowledge than I went in with.

3. Step outside myself
Staying inside my comfort zone my whole life will result in what? Yes, a comfortable life, but what about challenge? What about passion? OK, kiteboarding may or may not be my passion, but it is definitely something new, and who knows, it could be my new favorite thing! Sometimes putting myself on hold for a while and trying something new is exactly what's needed!


Next week this time, I'll tell you how it went (provided there's wind!)

How I fell asleep after an attempted robbery

Image by raleighwoman via Flickr

So, last night I wrote about 3 main ways to de-stress, then I finished up the evening and went to bed. A very normal night. However, just as I was drifting off to sleep, I was jolted awake! Someone was just steps away from my kids' window trying to break into my car! Thankfully, the car alarm did it's job to scare off the bad guy (even though I was convinced for hours that he was still hiding in the bushes, waiting for us all to fall back asleep, so he could get back to the business of being bad). Fortunately, my car does not look like the one in this picture!

There I was, COMPLETELY STRESSED and unable to fall asleep. Unable, that is, until I tried this 3-step process:

1. Squeeze
I was already squeezing every muscle in my body, in fact, my shoulders were touching my earlobes. Like many people, I tend to carry stress in my neck and shoulders. But, I squeezed them more, as tight of a clenching as I could and then thought of my muscles melting each time I released them.

verdict: This was a good start and helped my shoulders, but not enough to keep my eyes closed.

2. Release
Starting at the top of my head, I thought about each muscle, as in each hair follicle, and visualized releasing it--like little hands letting go. It's sometimes hard to let the eyes relax when we're on high alert. Our eyes are our main source of information about what's going on around us and here we are trying to shut them. Release the muscles around the eyes, too. And then the cheeks, the mouth, the neck the shoulders...all the way down to your toes. Yes, this takes time, but what else is there to do when sleep is so elusive?

verdict: Now my eyes were relaxed but my mind was still racing.

3. Count
Count each breath, or simply say "in" and "out" with each breath. The monotony and repetition calm the mind.

verdict: Zzzzzz....

Can't tell you how long this took, but it worked!

3 ways to reduce stress right now

1. Yawn
Yes, yawn. When you yawn, your body takes in a large amount of oxygen and supercharges your brain. This is just what you need in times of stress. Try a couple of forced yawns until a real yawn happens. Not only will you help yourself with this yawn, but also all those who've been watching you--yawns are contagious!

2. Act
Do something. So anything, even if you risk being wrong. Just don't sit there, paralyzed by your stress. Chances are, once you start moving, you'll be headed toward the solution to your stress-inducing problem.

3. Consider the source
Step back and take a good look at the source of your stress. Is this a force you really need or even want in your life? Take inventory and see if the relationship is worth the price, i.e. the stress you're feeling now.

5 body language clues you MUST know!

Image by Michael Ruiz via Flickr

A clue for each of the five senses.

1. SIGHT

The steeple.

Hands in a prayer like position, can be pointed up or in lap pointed forward. This is a sign of confidence. Be careful if your opponent does this just as you make your move. The steeple is saying that he's confident, possibly that he'll win, if you continue in this direction.

2. TOUCH

Any imaginary lint?

Hopefully no one will do this while you're talking. With each piece of imaginary lint flicked off his clothing, another one of your ideas is being dismissed.

3. SMELL (work with me, not much body language with smell...)

Crossed arms.

Crossed arms are never good, they close off the individual and let you know that he is no longer working with you, rather he's blocking you out. The worst is the crossed arms with the hands jammed in the armpits and thumbs pointing up (arguably the funniest way to cross arms!). This means that not only are you shut out, but this person is feeling superior over you.

4. SOUND

Hear the silence?

Be sure to hear the silence when you are talking. Say what you have to say, but give others time to chime in. If people feel there's no room to turn your lecture into a discussion, they simply stop talking.

5. TASTE

Finger over mouth.

Let's say you're listening to someone who's been talking FOREVER (like someone above who missed hearing the silence). Finally you squeeze your way into the conversation and the other guy puts his finger over his mouth while you talk...what is that all about? It could be two things: 1) he's physically trying not speak, holding back his words, or 2) he's trying to tell you to shush. Either way it's no good.

Is it worth it to be a house husband?

This is a 6-slide video presentation (for a university class) discussing the views of being a house husband, a very different role than our society "expects" men to take on. Please comment on the questions, I'd love to hear your thoughts.


Intro:






Article Discussion:







How are house husbands perceived?





What would the opposite lens be?





Is it worth it?





Thanks!




Ok, there are all the slides from class :-) Hope you enjoyed the presentation, and I can't wait to read your comments below.



Reference:
Smith, C (1998). "Men don't do this sort of thing:" A case study of social isolation of househusbands, Men and Masculinities 1(2), 183-172.

Find out what makes you tick

Image by Leo Reynolds via Flickr

What makes you tick?

This question sounds like one of those philosophical why am I here type questions. Believe it or not, what makes you tick can be reduced to four key elements, and they all have to do with how you think about the task you want to accomplish.

ability: I can do this task!

effort: I will put effort into doing this task!

value: I think this task is meaningful!

payoff: I will get something out of this task when I'm done!


So, it's true, someone can't motivate (read: force) you to do you don't want to do. Your drive comes from within you.

Here's how it works. Let's take exercise.

Most of us have the ability to move more and eat less. We value a healthy lifestyle and truly look forward to that payoff of a flat belly. BUT, the effort it takes to make a salad when everyone else is eating pizza...not so much. Motivation has left the building!

Just knowing these four elements of motivation is empowering. Recognition of the problem is the first step towards a solution.

Where is your motivational breakdown?

Maybe you are telling yourself that you lack the ability to create a web page--then learn! Maybe you can't find the payoff down the road from returning to school--what about the sense of accomplishment? Maybe you're sitting in a mandatory meaning and can't find the value in doing what your boss is proposing--find one component of your boss' message that you agree with and start there, don't force yourself to accept the whole thing! Maybe the example about exercise was talking to you, and you lack the effort to work out alone--then find a workout buddy!

Find whatever is holding you back and STOMP on it! Today is a new day and the world is waiting for your next breakthrough!