teach your child confidence (no matter what age)

It's painful to watch our children suffer from low confidence. Parents can see all the potential in the world in their children from the outside, but if the child doesn't see that potential, it doesn't matter. How do you hold up the mirror? Here are 3 easy steps to pave the way to future confidence.

1. commitment
Have a frank discussion with your child. You would be amazed at what tough concepts children grasp. By 8th grade, many children readily admit they'd like to have more confidence (social interactions, academics, public speaking). Don't feel you have to wait until then to ask. If your child is exhibiting signs of low self confidence, step in. Start a conversation. Ask, If you had a magic wand, what would you change? This will give great insight as to what the child sees as the problem. The actual term self confidence may not come out. Use the phrasing your child uses (I want to be able to meet new friends--social confidence/I want to ask Mrs. Smith for help in math--academic confidence/I want to be able to raise my hand when I have a question--public speaking). Once you zero in on the desire, ask for a commitment: Let's commit to this. I'll help you the best I can, and you agree to put forth the effort it will take to make this change.

2. thoughts
Listen to your child on a regular basis. I said "listen" rather than "talk" for a reason. Still have a conversation, however, keep an ear out for descriptions. Is your child setting him/herself up for success or failure? Change is shaky ground and there is comfort in the familiar--in this case, past behaviors are the comfort zone. Keep your tone non-punitive, and keep the pressure on. Ask questions like: Who were you thinking about talking to today? Notice there is no judgment about whether or not contact was made, just that the thoughts were there. What math problems were you stuck on? How are you going to figure out the answers? This helps your child think of solutions, and will most likely come back to asking the teacher. Did you feel like raising your hand today? In which class? Again, no shame for not doing so, just keeping the thoughts in mind.

3. actions
Ok, you can only think about things for so long. Now it's time to act. You and your child committed to the process of change. As a parent, you keep working in step 2. At the same time, enlist the help of some trusted school personnel or coaches or mentors...anyone in a leading capacity that can intervene. Let them know what you and your child are working on. Let them know you are keeping the conversation alive at home and are now ready for a little encouragement from the other end. Perhaps the teacher on duty at lunch can arrange new seating assignments, the math teacher could offer an after school session or the language arts teacher could ask your child to read his/her paragraph aloud. Everyone can help set your child up for success.

It truly does take a village to raise a child. Call in the villagers!

go light on holiday gift spending

We have been in an economic crunch for some time now. However, when holidays come around, there is a big push for lots of presents. This is the year, you've done so well with your budget for the past 11 months, there's no need to blow it now. Here are 3 easy steps to help you go light on gifts this holiday season.

1. go green
Wrapping can eat into your budget. Forgo the fancy ribbons, they just end up in the trash anyway. Wrap your gift in fabric, a dish towel, newspaper, magazines, paper grocery bags the kids decorated, saved bags from years past. You get the idea: reduce, reuse, recycle. Family members will love to see special artwork on the wrappings. Kids will love "finding" wrapping material.

2. one main gift
Kids want one main gift. This month I've been working with students from 3rd to 8th grades, and asking them what they want this holiday season. I wish I could keep a list and tell every parent what was said...most of them want a phone or an ipod touch. Yes, big ticket items. But if you pick one, it's not so bad. And honestly, when the sky was the limit to say what all they wanted, they were hard pressed to say much more. All they asked for was one gift--and that took some thought.

3. do you really want it?
As a parent, you've had a number of these holiday seasons. You have your own bank account and the ability to purchase whatever you want whenever you want. That being said, is there something you haven't bought yet that you really want? Or, it is just the idea of having gifts...or the idea of sharing with friends what your spouse bought you? Find out what your gift receiving mentality is. There's nothing wrong with it, but know what you're dealing with on the front end. Keep your wants in check. Decide what's more important--giving or receiving. Most importantly, when the budget is gone, the shopping ends.

change what's not working in your life

If something is not working, you know it instantly. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us forget that we have control over our lives--you have the ability to make choices. Here are 3 easy steps to help you come up with options the next time you'd like to see change.

1. reframe
How can you reframe, or see, this situation differently. Let's say that you are so annoyed that your reading group friend is always showing off. It seems like all she does is talk about herself and how great of a reader she is. This can get annoying. What if you looked at it differently? What if you tried to see her as a great teacher, sharing new authors and discussing styles. Or, perhaps you could reframe her as someone who really needs to shine in this reading arena because she has other struggles you are aware of. She still has the same behaviors, but you see them in a different light. No comments need to be made, just a shift in your thought process gives you the space to not be so annoyed.

2. walk away
Simply leave the relationship. If you are in a reading group and her book comments drive you nuts every week, then leave the group. Remember, you can't ask someone else to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. So, don't rally friends to oust the annoying one, you simply move to a different group.

3. make a change
Here's the toughest, but often the most rewarding. Have a conversation with the annoying individual. Without blame, discuss what is working and then what isn't. Come prepared with suggestions (I love our reading group, but I can't help but notice that you seem to dominate the conversation. I love your contributions, but sometimes I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise. Is there some way we can structure our conversations so we all get equal talk-time?). As long as you are respectful and include yourself in the changes, things should work out just fine. You'll be enjoying your reading group in no time!

shed complication from your life

Keeping it simple can seem complicated. Shedding the layers of trappings we've all slowly but surely added over the years can feel like stepping out on a tight rope. However, rest assured that once you reduce your clutter (material and emotional) you will feel light as air. Here are three areas that benefit most from a mental de-tangling.

1. love life--security vs. love
We provide for the ones we love, or so the logic goes. Unfortunately, this seems to break down in some marriages. Financial security is a pale second to emotional connections. What steps could you take to improve passion or strengthen emotional bonds in your significant relationship? Ask yourself: Is this a relationship of passion or convenience? Is this love or security? The answer is not always to walk away from each other, in fact, walking towards each other is often the first step in rekindling the love.


2. food life--"value added" vs food
Our food system is a mess--my opinion. The concept of "value added" is what big food industries have to explain the use of all the non-food product that's in our kitchens. The "value" they add is cheap shelf life via additives and preservatives. These are inexpensive ingredients which add bulk to the original food (it did start with nature somewhere) and keep the product on the shelf longer (giving you more chances to buy it). What to do? Keep food as close as you can to the way nature intended it. Get in the kitchen. Cook. But I'm too busy... schedules... school... work... Ok. But remember, you are what you eat. Seems like we could all take a little time to examine just what we are putting in our mouths.


3. friend life--the Joneses vs friends
The social ladder is there, keeping up with the Joneses is huge. Decide if this is really a ladder you want to climb. You know who the group's gossip is, the pot-stirrer, the nay-sayer... do you want one of these names? Just what do you have to do to get to the top of the ladder, and when you are there, then what? Step back from the ladder and be friends with each person. There is good in everyone, even those you labeled a few sentences earlier. Letting go of the rivalry gives you new perspectives. Now that you are not in competition with them, you may not even see why you named them in the first place. Judgement is a burden; free yourself.

generosity of self is priceless

The world needs monetary donations, there is no denying that fact. If you have the means to write a check, take food or offer much needed items, then by all means, do so. However, somewhere along the way, the idea of "generosity" changed, now most of us immediately assume the generous person is one who gives away material goods. Here are 3 easy ways to be generous without spending a dime, and the effects are priceless.

1. your gift
Each of us has a talent, a gift. Perhaps you paint or read or build woodwork, our gifts are usually our hobbies. Share your gift with someone. I read books, how do I share this gift? you may be asking. Simple. Read to someone, start a book club, introduce a new author to a friend (and, of course, give some of those books on your bookshelf away). I paint, how exactly does that work as a gift? The obvious answer would be to give some paintings away as gifts, but what about offering a free class at your church or community center. You don't have to be perfect, just willing to share.

2. inclusion
It doesn't matter how young or old we are, there always seem to be cliques, and there is always a less-popular crowd (or worse, a single, ousted person). We all know who is left out socially. Reach out, include this person. Ask about his/her life story, you will be amazed at the different paths that bring us together in this world. Your new friend will feel the generosity of your time, interest and inclusion.

3. chain reaction
It doesn't matter what you do, just as long as you do something. If you can't muster up the courage to go too far out of your comfort zone just yet, smile. Look at someone and smile a genuine smile. Smiles are contagious and your gift will continue to travel long after your smile fades.

build confidence for the holiday party circut

It's that time of year. All the parties and mingling are at their peak. That's great for the extroverts, but what about the other half? Fifty percent of us are introverts. If you have a stack of invites collecting on your fridge and want this year to be different (read: you can start a conversation rather than wait in a corner for someone to start one with you), then keep reading. Here are 3 easy steps to build your party confidence.

1. rsvp yes
When the invite comes in, call the host to confirm your attendance. Don't let the invite hang over your head like a dark cloud or wait for something better to come up--just do it. Commit. Put the date in your calendar. Tell people you'll be there. It's tougher to bail out when friends are expecting you.

2. rehearse
Yes, rehearse. You've already established that "winging it" in cocktail conversations is not your style. Have 3 ready-made conversations in your pocket. Be sure two of these topics are shared experiences, as in the others in the conversation will be able to contribute (ex: work related story, family, kids) and the other is specific to you (ex: kite boarding, stamp collecting, dog breeding). If the conversation dips, you can always ask people about themselves (ex: How do you know the host? What do you do for a living? What got you interested in your hobby?). People love to talk about themselves, as long as they don't feel like you are prying.

3. fake it 'till you make it
No one will know the difference if you feel truly confident or if you are faking a confident disposition. So go ahead and fake it 'till you make it. Try on the confidence (NOT arrogance) and start these conversations. You have the tools, now make it your own. With practice, you will be able work a party room without too much pre-planning. Your confidence will shine thru and parties will be fun again.

Happy Holidays!

how to be thankful after Thanksgiving ends

It's easy to be thankful for each other and all the blessings in our lives on Thanksgiving day. But what about the other 364 days of the year? Here are 3 easy steps to help keep that appreciative spirit all year long.

1. percentages
You can't get 100% out of anyone, meaning that you will never find a person who is 100% perfect. No one is perfect, not even you! But there is always a percentage of the person that is exactly what you are looking for. Some people may be up in the 90s, others down in the teens. No matter what the percentage, there is a part of everyone that you will like. Take note of those qualities and be thankful the individual is in your life. All those percentages can add up to be a great, fulfilling group of friends.

2. food
Yes, the dining table is the gathering place. Even though we over-book ourselves so much of the time, we humans can't escape the need to eat. Carve out a family dinner whenever you can, serve the food from the table (as opposed to leaving the dishes on the stove), and listen to the conversation. Kids grow, interests change, friends come and go...you are all on this journey together. Be conscious of the growth and thankful for being included.

3. invisible people
There are a lot of people in you life who help you through the day--and you don't even know (or care to know) their names. As you travel from sun up to sun down, make an effort to look around at all the faces smiling and hands helping. Living in a vacuum would be a lonely place. Take a moment to say a meaningful "thank you" to someone you have taken for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoy your family and loved ones. Enjoy your friends and colleagues. Eat lots of great comfort food and take time to remember all the ways love touches your life.

Ashley

successful brainstorming

"Go have a brainstorming session and get back to me with some ideas."

We've all heard this. We all know the goal of brainstorming--to come as with as many ideas as possible. But how the heck are you supposed to go from zero ideas to the brainstorm? Here are three easy steps to get the ideas flowing.

1. quantity over quality
Put everything down on paper (or screen). Nothing is too big or too small or too crazy or too anything. This is one of the few times when quantity overrules quality. No need to think about details, how to make an idea work, how to pay for materials, etc. Let go of your practical side. Everything goes on the list.

2. walk on the wild side
Go big. Go crazy. It's easier to reign in a wild idea than it is to beef up a wimpy one. Let your creativity take the wheel. Easier said than done. Set ground rules ahead of time. This may sound elementary, but it never hurts to remind group members that every comment is respected, each voice is of equal importance and that disrespect (scoffing, dismissal of an idea, snickering, etc) will not be tolerated (go ahead and add that anyone displaying such behavior will be asked to leave the group). This will help group members feel free to unleash their imagination.

3. think "Lego's"
Towards the end of the brainstorming session (but this is not "the" end of it!) start connecting the ideas you've collected. Pass the list around, let group members work with the ideas collected. How can these ideas build on each other? What can you add to someone else's contribution? What do these ideas inspire in others? Your mare practical thinkers will be helpful here in connecting the dots.

It will take some time to re-train your thinking to be open to free-flow, free-style problem solving (usually we have and end goal in mind, but with this style we don't). Give it time. Next thing you know, you'll have ideas flowing all over the place.

groupthink question for you

are you stuck in "groupthink?"

Irving Janis said, "Groups can bring out the worst as well as the best in human decision making." Think about the groups to which you belong. Do you feel each group ensures that each idea is given equal time, that all alternatives are explored, and that there is not a popular or unpopular side of thought to fall on? Here are 3 easy steps to check the level of groupthink in your groups.

1. invulnerability
Members are so secure that their ideas are correct that there is complete dismissal of contrasting ideas. A lesser degree of this self-righteousness might be a general sense of smugness by group members. Rationalizations are offered to explain away any opposing arguments.

2. We vs. They
Pressure to conform. Those who don't conform are misguided (or worse, considered dumb). If you are a member of the group, agreement with decisions is expected. Those in the know wouldn't question the group's accepted thoughts.

3. self-censorship
You have an idea but don't share it with the group for fear you will not be in alignment with the group's ideals. Rather than explore your views you remain silent. Silent members are assumed to be in agreement with what has been said.

your family's unspoken rules

There are plenty of unspoken, unwritten rules we all live by. In some families, children should be seen but not heard. In others, don't answer back when being disciplined. And then others might insist that children never go into Mom and Dad's room. Here are 3 easy steps to check your feelings about your family's unspoken rules.

1. identify the rules
Sometimes rules are so embedded in family thought processes that they are difficult to uncover. Ask yourself: I would be in so much trouble if ____. Mom/Dad always insist the kids ____. My husband/wife expects me to _____.

2. the counselor-y question
How do you feel about these rules? If you like them, then the rules are fine. If the rules make you or anyone else uncomfortable, then perhaps it's time to re-examine the rules. Are you an adult still consumed by the rules imposed by your parents? Are you now imposing similar rules you learned from your childhood?

3. do something
You've identified some rules you've outgrown (they may have worked in the past but now you'd like to let them go). You have the power to change them. How? Have an open conversation with your family. Say you'd like to have some help modifying this family rule. State the rule and have a brief discussion about it. Don't turn it into a lecture, and remember to be humble. You are asking for help. You may be surprised later on when this rule comes flying out of your mouth and your child reminds you that you ask for help in eliminating it.

what kind of family are you?

We use the word "family" so often, yet there are so many different kinds of families out there. Which kind are you?

nuclear family--includes a mother, father and one or more kids
blended family--two adults and children from previous relationships
single parent family--either a mother or father and one or more kids
live-in couple--two adults living together, without a marriage, and with or without kids
integrated family--parents with children of different races or religions
boomerang family--parents of adult children who are returning home to live with parents again
commuter family--one parent travels to a distant city for work and stays for a period of time

Whew! When someone says, "My family does things this way," step back a minute to think that all families are not the same and perhaps there is not one right way to do things.

step in or mind your own business?

This is a question we all struggle with. Do you see potential for growth or change where your colleague might have a blind spot? Is a family member fighting a battle and you'd like to offer support? Not every situation is one to rush into. With adults, one person's help is another's nosey-ness. Here are 3 easy steps to determine if your help is wanted.

1. remember
You've known this person long enough to have watched him/her receive help in the past. Perhaps you were not the one offering it, but you were a bystander. What was the talk like? Was this person thankful for the help, using it in a productive manner or was the help perceived more as a nuisance and dismissed?

2. watch
Watch how this person talks about the issue of concern. Are you a sought out companion when times get tough or does this person have another go-to source for support? Are you brought questions for input or simply statements of what's already been decided.

3. offer cautiously
After pondering the above two questions, you decide to offer your insight--do this cautiously. Remember, the same message (the same words!) sounds different coming from different people. Is this a message that should come from a boss, a doctor or some other official? If you still feel the message could come from you and be helpful, go for it. You are a great friend/family member for taking the time to consider how your help would be received.

foster independence

We all want our kids to be independent. We also want to help our kids avoid any mistakes. Sometimes these two wants fight each other. Here are 3 easy steps to instill independence.

1. reframe
Kids can get into the habit of only talking about what's not working. Every night, they unload all the negativity of the day onto you. Your parental instinct wants to fix every problem and make everything better, so you ask for details, offer suggestions, follow up on things the next night...and so on. Next thing you know, all you and your child talk about is what's wrong with each day. Help your child reframe the day's events. Yes, the unpleasant stuff is still there, we rarely have days that are 100% focused on us. And feel free to explore the negative stuff, too. However, end on a high note. Make sure the "frame" that hangs around that day is framing a positive event. This is not a material moment (ex, buying something), rather an independent moment (ex, finally finding success with a friendship, understanding an academic concept that was difficult).

2. let go
Swooping in and saving the day for a little one is a very different action than doing so for an older child. In fact, it can hinder the learning and independence of older children. This is not to say that you simply leave your child to fend for him/her self. Rather, you talk thru options and help your child come up with a plan for action. Note: this process is not you telling your child what to do. Yes, it would be a step back from you "doing," but you will want to go one step further and let your child stretch his/her thinking powers and try to develop some strategies alone. Once a strategy (ex, if your child thinks the teacher hates him, then perhaps he could offer to stay after and straighten up the desks/whereas if you went into the room, you would have a conference) is selected, your child will try it out the next day. Be there the following afternoon to see how things turned out. Remember, we rarely find the perfect solution the first time. Bite your tongue if you know what you want your child to do and let him/her find the way independently.

3. leader to mentor
This is not an overnight change. When kids are young, you are the leader. You tell them how to eat, what to wear, etc. As they get older, your role shifts from leader to mentor. While it's easy to see your mentor-role in late teens to adulthood, it is a very blurry line when shifting from leader to mentor in the tweens and teens. Some areas your child will be able to handle (perhaps your child is an ace at completing homework and doesn't need you to check it every night), while other areas will be tricky for some time to come (friendships may be difficult for years to come). Follow your gut. You are the parent and know what's best. Just keep the idea of the transition of leader to mentor in the back of your mind.

questions that need your answers re: my blog

I'm considering changing my blog format and want to know your thoughts.

1. three pages
This would separate the articles for (1) parenting, (2) education, and (3) self help. With this format, the reader could click directly to the desired section. Would this be too many clicks to hold your interest or do you see it as a better way of sorting information?

2. a store
Over the counseling years, I've collected various tools and books that I find particularly helpful. In the store, items would be paired with my personal lesson plans and packaged together for sale. Do you already have a "go-to" source for all things counseling (if so, where?) or would you like to shop at this sort of store?

3. What is this site missing?

It's no small undertaking to make the move to an online store. Any feedback you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time and insight.

Ashley

public temper tantrums

We've all been there, feeling like every eye and ear are set squarely on us. Each comment and action is being scrutinized. It's enough to paralyze even the best parent. Here are 3 easy steps to help you keep your cool and deal with your child's public temper tantrum.

1. stay the course
If your child senses that public temper tantrums are the way to get what he/she wants, then your child will use them all the time--the opposite of what you are looking for here. Make sure you stick to the usual rules regardless of who's watching the outburst. Your child just refused to follow directions, threw his lunch box down and is walking away from you. Would you allow this at home? No. So don't allow it here.

2. forget about embarrassment
Easier said than done, but you have to let the embarrassment go. Think of it this way: you can have an embarrassing moment or two while you publicly correct this behavior, or you could allow the behavior and always be embarrassed by public outbursts you've conditioned your child use when he/she wants something. Seems like a no-brainer.

3. follow up at home
The moment has passed, you dealt with the outburst publicly. Great, but there's still one more step. Readdress the outburst at home. Don't get into the details of what the temper tantrum was about, that's been resolved. What needs attention is the fact that this was a very public display of inappropriate behavior. Be clear that such behavior is not acceptable in your family. This doesn't need a ton of words, just a couple of succinct sentences with a firm tone will get your point across.

your kid's views on cheating

Do you really know what your child thinks about cheating? We'd all like to assume that our children would never cheat, that they know why it's wrong. Here are 3 easy steps to start the conversation and gain some insight into your child's views on cheating.

1. watch
Play some games. See what happens. If you are playing Chutes and Ladders with your 5 year old, he/she may scoot the player over to avoid the long chutes. Learning that rules are for everyone is part of the developmental process at this young age. If you are playing cards with your middle schooler, and every time you look the other way the cards change, it's a different story. The "developmental stage" excuse to explain the behavior is no longer there.

2. bite your tounge
Don't say anything about the cheating until the game is over. Chances are, the cheater will win. As the cards are thrown back in for another round, ask the group if anyone else noticed the cheating going on. If you saw it, probably others saw it, too. Let that comment hang. Your child (the one who cheated) will want to fill the silence with rationalizations in support of cheating: It's just a game, I was playing, It's ok if you don't get caught...Hold your judgments for the moment and let your child continue. This is where you will gain the most insight. How does your child explain this dishonest behavior to him/herself? If the conversation lags a bit, ask some questions to the group like: Since we know there was cheating, does the winning still stand? or Who's ready for another round?

3. use the moment
Keep playing, and without preaching, share your views on cheating. Keep it brief. You've already gotten your child's attention with the embarrassment of being caught (he/she may laugh it off and say there wasn't an attempt to be sneaky, but rest assured there was the hope that the behavior wouldn't get caught). Keep playing the game, keep the light conversation alive. You want to maintain this connection with your child, so don't shut it down with a heavy lecture. Your child wants to please you. Your child also needs you to lead him/her down the right path. Don't let what looks like simple cheating in a card game turn into something more serious down the road--talk about it now.

kids can handle (and benefit from) some hard work

Today, most parents feel the need to make life easier for their kids. Easier than what? Than the life the parents had? Than the life the neighbor's kids have? Than the life of someone less advantaged? Here are three ideas supporting the idea that kids can handle (and may benefit from) some hard work.

1. self-reliance
Kids can figure out a lot--not just kid stuff, either. Give your child a job. Was a metal toy left in the tub and now there's a rust stain? Hand your child a sponge and some Comet to get the stain off. Sure, if this is new, you'll hear a lot of complaining at first. But when your child figures out that whining is not working, it will stop. Keep checking in. You may need to explain the idea of "elbow grease" and that there's nothing "magic" about Comet. When the stain finally comes off, be there with a smile and talk up the self-reliance angle. Your child figured out how to get a seemingly impossible stain off the tub--alone. Hooray for your child!

2. use all those working parts
Kids problem solve in school, why not bring it home. Is a bike not pedaling smoothly? Look at the parts, figure out how they are supposed to work. Put a can of WD-40 in your child's hand (and be ok with the mess). Let your child fiddle with the bike until the ride is smooth again. Yes, your child may forget where parts go if too many are taken off at once, but that's ok, too. He/she's learning the mechanics of a toy that was, most likely, taken for granted. If it broke, your child would have asked for a new one. Now he/she's figuring out the way it works, and might be able to fix it again in the future. Your child is in there, getting dirty hands and really thinking about the problem of the clicking pedal.

3. satisfaction in a job well done
Weeding is not the preferred activity of many people. However, there is something satisfying about getting all those weeds out and looking at a nice, clean flower bed. Put your kids on the job. They see you outside all the time, they know you're not making them do something you wouldn't do yourself (because then it might be seen as punishment). Offer some cash for a big job, but don't help if you're paying. Make sure the payoff matches the labor. When it comes time to give the money, be sure to say thanks for the large job completed and the care taken to pull every weed. Your child will have the satisfaction of pleasing you, a clean flower bed and now a little cash in the pocket.

break your kids out of the weekday morning rut

The Monday-Friday routine is necessary, it gets us through the week. However, when the routine starts to take on some negative qualities (arguing, not wanting to get up, crying), it's time to channel Monty Python: And now for something completely different. Here are 3 easy steps to help shift gears and get back to a morning everyone likes.

1. wake up earlier
Yes, you already wake up early. But you've also decided that the mornings aren't working, and you're the adult, so you need to make the first change. Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier, wake up, have a little "me" time to collect yourself before you wake your child. Use this time to sip coffee, leisurely shower and get dressed, or look at your potted plants outside (getting fresh air is always energizing)--be selfish and take care of you first.

2. cook
Start the day with a warm breakfast. Most of us offer cereal or toast for weekday breakfast. Break out of that mold. What is your child's favorite breakfast? Pancakes? Buttermilk biscuits? Crumble cake?* Make it. You're probably thinking: My child has done nothing to make my life easier, why on earth am I going out of my way to make a home made breakfast?! You're beating your child to the punch. Any break in the usual routine will result in different behavior. Your child no longer has the argument of: There's nothing to eat in this house! In fact, it's the opposite, your child's favorite is already in the works. Be sure you offer this gift genuinely. It will be ruined if you act like a martyr.

3. fun
Plan something "crazy" for the morning. Is your house silent in the morning? Turn on the tv. Do you drive a short distance to school? Ride your bikes. Do you walk your dog after dropping off your child at school? Do it with your child before going to school. Again, this will help you break out of that rut and put you on the path to better mornings.

This is not an overnight fix. It took time to create the rut, it'll take time to get out of it. Your child will test you at every turn and try to start new arguments out of habit. Stay strong, stay one step ahead, rely on friends to give you strength, and don't give up thinking arguments are the only way your child will communicate with you. You can do this.

*If you said yes to any of these, I have great, simple recipies for each. Email me and I'll send it to you.

help your child with writer's/homework block

Image by Guillermo Esteves via Flickr

We've all been there, thinking so hard for an answer when our mind is blank. What do you do? It can be frustrating at homework time when your child sits at the table, keys in hand, and can't think of the first word for essay that's due in the morning. The cursor just blinks on a blank screen. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child relax the brain and let ideas begin to flow.

1. stop
But the paper's due in a matter of hours! you're thinking. It is, but staring at a blank screen with you pressuring him to start isn't helping. What other tasks need to be completed before bed? Eat an early dinner, take a bath, organize materials for the next day, feed the animals...you get the picture. Do anything and everything before sitting back down at the computer. No time is lost, all those chores needed completion tonight anyway. You've just given your child at least an hour to NOT think about this essay prompt. You've released the pressure. This allows the ideas to swim around in the brain and begin to percolate.

2. think of the opposite
To prime the ideas, have a silly conversation with your child, What would the opposite of this essay prompt be? Giggle, have fun, offer several ideas along with your child. You are doing several things here. Not only are you sending a clear message that this mental block is not resulting in an argument, you are also showing that you are here for the process of generating ideas. You are probably biting your tongue because you've known the essay's answer for the last 4 hours, but stay strong. You've been thru school before. Help with the process.

3. start
Computers make drafts so easy. Have your child begin to write something. Who cares if it is wrong. Start each new idea as though it's a new paragraph. The start will be bumpy, but the idea will take off. At the end, go back to the top and delete the parts that don't contribute to the essay. If your child likes company, stay in the room for this process. Sometimes they will stop the flow of ideas to follow you and ask you to sit with them--not what you want.

Keep those ideas flowing!

help your child help a friend (and him/herself!)

Adolescence is full of "deep" issues that parents just wouldn't understand--or so most adolescents think. Somehow they've forgotten that we all must pass thru this stage before becoming an adult. Most of the deep-ness is manageable (dating, homework, gossip) but occasionally a topic arises that is, in fact, too deep for a friend to handle. Here are three easy steps to help your child help a friend.

1. insist on finding an adult
When a friend shares with your child a huge problem (divorce, depression, mental illness, abuse, etc), your child will want to try to "fix" the situation by offering suggestions and alternatives for behavior or thoughts. Unfortunately, some situations simply cannot be fixed so easily. Your child will be sucked into the problem and left feeling helpless once all suggested options are exhausted. Keep your ears open to your child's conversations. Repeatedly, before this situation arises, remind your child that the best help in tough situations comes from a trained professional. Make sure there is at least one trusted adult your child can identify at school. When the tough situation comes up with the friend, your child can say: I want to help you, but this is bigger than both of us together. Let's go talk to Mr/Mrs ____. Once the friend is in the door with the adult, then your child needs to step back (as in out of the room, and out of the equation) and let the adult help.

2. cost benefit analysis
This is tough, and no adolescent wants to do this. However, doing a cost benefit analysis is necessary. Look at the toll this relationship is taking on regular, everyday life. Is the friend isolating your child? Is your child experiencing mood changes? Is the friendship worth this experience? To be clear--it's your child's decision, not yours. Walk thru this conversation, you'll need to revisit this topic several times before any decision is made. It is not an all or nothing decision you are looking for, rather determining the level of intensity of the friendship.

3. keep a wide circle
Help your child keep a wide circle of friends. It's easy to dive into the comfort, even when the topics are scary, of one close friend. However, having a larger group of go-to people will help your child when the initial friendship gets to be too much. Another two or three people will balance the demand on your child's social time. Be sure to encourage these new friendships by offering to help coordinate out of school hang-out time. Try not to discourage the "intense" friendship, you don't want this friend to become the forbidden fruit.

handle you child's misbehavior at school

Kids will get in trouble at school. Believe it or not, not every infraction needs to be addressed at home, too. Here are three easy steps to handle things at home when your child gets in trouble at school.

1. listen
Ultimately, you want to know what goes on in your child's life. Getting mad at every little infraction is a sure way to shut down any line of communication. When your child comes home and tells you what happened (the behavior that resulted in "being in trouble"), just listen. Try to keep your feelings (words and body language) on the back burner for the moment and see if you can figure out why the misbehavior occurred. Not only will this help you gain understanding in this situation, but it will also help you learn how your growing child perceives the world--great insight.

2. ask
You've heard the entire story (step 1) and you're still not exactly sure exactly why your Little Joey threw his chips at a peer at lunch--was he mad at his friend for calling him a sloppy eater or was he embarrassed at being the butt of the joke? It may be both. Ask a clarifying question: Were you mad at Mark for calling you a sloppy eater? If yes, then stop. If he replies: No, I don't care about that! Then follow up with: Ok, I understand, I've never liked being the butt of the joke either. If this is still off the mark, go back to listening again before you ask any more questions. And whatever you do, try to avoid the Why? question. It's very difficult to answer and makes people instantly defensive.

3. take a lesson from Vegas
Whatever happens in school stays in school. Teachers are very capable individuals. Classroom management is an art, and the teachers are masters at it. If your child's teacher has handled the misbehavior (given a consequence) and left it at that, then that's your cue to do the same. Your phone number is easily accessible at school and the teacher chose NOT to contact you. A phone call home is reserved for the larger misbehaviors. Don't feel like you need to drop the hammer at home if you have not been contacted. What you do need to do is maintain the lines of communication between you and your child. Let your child know that you trust that he/she can handle his/her school business and that you won't step in for this type of behavior concern until the school asks you to do so (note, phone call, conference). If you are concerned that the school will think you aren't doing your "job," then let the school know your policy as well.

time managment "8th grade style"

After talking with a large group of 8th graders about their personal perspectives on life, school, sports, family and friends, I was amazed at how they balance everything. Here are three (of the many offered) time management tips they shared.

1. just do it
Even if the homework is not due the next day, just get it done. If there is nothing going on and you are just watching TV, go do the work. Save the extra time for sports or family or friends. TV did not rank too high on the list of priorities.

2. do a little each night
For the big projects, it's tempting to put off the work until the due date approaches. However, the kids felt the better way to tackle the large work load is to do a little at a time.

3. prioritize
Determine what is important in life. Everyone's list will be different. Make sure time is saved for the items at the top. Make sure "rest" and "sleep" are up there somewhere, too. Understand that you won't be able to do everything you'd like to do every week.

great famly-fun-night games

Spending time together as a family isn't always easy with homework, sports and friends all competing for time on your family's schedules. Here are three games to keep on hand for an impromptu round of family fun at the dinner table.

1. rumikub
Fun, challenging, yet easy enough for little ones to master the rules. Each player start with 14 tiles. The object is to place all tiles in sequences (color or number) on the board (your table) first. Ditch the box (it's too flimsy and large) and put all the tiles in a little bag. A round takes 10-15 minutes and any number of people can play.

2. left right center
A true no-brainer. Start with three tokens, roll three dice, and depending on what the dice say, distribute your tokens to the left, right or center. When one person has all the tokens, the game ends. The fun happens when players who had lost all tokes suddenly recieve a bunch back! This game can be played while everyone is eating and there is no limit on number of players.

3. blockus
This game of strategy takes a bit longer and a maximum of four people can play. Each player has a corner and a color. The object is to fit all of your pieces (each shaped differently) on the board while also blocking your opponents from doing the same.

Have a great Family Fun Night!

give your kid a break

Sometimes we all get overwhelmed and just need a break from the action. Our kids are no different. Here are 3 easy steps to help in just such a situation.

1. know the signs
You know your child. He/she usually comes home and sits down for homework without too much fuss (rarely does a child love this activity). However, today the tears stream and the argument is just too much, then chances are he/she is going thru something completely separate from the daily, non-tearful routine of homework. Be aware of behavioral patterns so you will know when something is out of line.

2. release judgment
Whatever you decide to give your child a break from, simply give the break and move on. Don't coat the gift with judgment or shame for not doing their usual job. You've given this gift, let go of the strings. This includes body language (folding arms, tapping foot), facial expressions (rolling eyes) and verbal language (If you really can't handle it, I guess just quit!). Let's say you've decided to let go of homework for the night. Let go of it. Your child will have appropriate consequences the next day at school without you being involved at all. Every choice we make results in consequences, there's nothing wrong with weighing options and making a choice based on immediate needs (a break) vs. longer term consequences (missing recess to complete homework).

3. don't make it a pattern
This is key--don't make the break a pattern. That is the opposite of what you're looking to do. Once is fine, perhaps a couple of times over the course of the year could be ok. However, if you find yourself skipping homework (or whatever break you've given) on a regular basis, then the break has become the norm.

make sure you're doing what you love

Sometimes embarking on a grand adventure or taking on new responsibilities sounds exciting. The idea of doing something new, not letting grass grow underfoot can be electrifying. However, once the "new adventure" becomes "routine," reality sets in--is this really what you wanted to do? Here are 3 easy steps to try out new ideas and do what you love.

1. pre-think
It can be so hard to actually sit down and make a pros and cons list. It's not rocket science, everyone lists it as the first technique to use when making a decision. Not many people actually go through the motions and make the list. Have you? Recently? Start one and keep it on the fridge. Every time you find yourself thinking about this new-adventure-possibility, write your feelings/thoughts/ideas down. Force yourself to think about both sides of the issue. The longer the list is on the fridge, the more thought out your list will be (as opposed to doing it all at once, when you are on Cloud 9 and can only think of positives).

2. ride it out (for a while)
So now you are in it, you've weighed the pros and cons and decided to jump into a new endeavor. If you're not having second thoughts, great! The list worked! If you are having some concerns, that's ok, too. Stay where you are. Give yourself a set amount of time before making any decisions about quitting--perhaps 60 days. Keep the pro/con list going on the fridge to help you sort out the highs and lows in this rocky time.

3. post-think
You've made it two months, and now you feel settled. Perfect, enjoy your adventure! What if you con list is longer than the fridge itself? Well, it might be time to reconsider this undertaking. There is no shame in changing your mind. You are living your life for you, no one else, so you may as well make yourself happy. Get out of that project and back to what you love. Another opportunity is right around the corner. Keep trying new stuff until you find your passion. In other words, keep throwing stuff at the wall and see what sticks.

slow down and get to know someone in a new way

We race through the days and nights in search of the finish line--sometimes forgetting to stop and see what's all around us. Here are 3 easy steps to slow down and get to know someone in a new way.

1. find someone new
We all have our go-to people. We eat lunch with the same group, call the same friend, collaborate with the same colleague...we get in a rut. There are tons of people all around that we don't typically take the time to notice. Set your sights on someone new and decide that you will get to know that person in a new way.

2. learn a life story
Sit down over lunch or a cup of coffee and ask your new friend, What brought you to _____? Fill the blank with whatever context the two of you know each other through. Are you at school? Then what brought your friend to this school. Are you at work? Then what brought your friend to this occupation.

3. ask
Ask a new question each day. In fact, if you can do this without being awkward, try and only ask questions in a conversation. This will keep the ball in your new friends court and keep them sharing about themselves. Feel free to answer when they ask you a question, but remember that this is about learning new things about new people--not dominating the conversation about you.

determine your listening quotient

While this isn't in 3 easy steps, it is in 9, so we're still related in a mathematical sense!
From Gamble and Gamble's book, Contact, page 113:


The following quiz can help you determine your effectiveness as a listener. First answer questions 1-4 yourself, then ask two people with whom you interact regularly to help you fill in questions 5-8. you can then answer question 9.


1. On a scale of 1-100, I give myself a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

2. I would use the following three words to describe myself as a listener:
_____ _____ _____

3. Others would give me a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

4. Others would use the following three words to describe me as a listener:
_____ _____ _____

5. One person I asked gave me a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

6. He or she used the following three words to describe me as a listener:
_____ _____ _____

7. Another person I asked gave me a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

8. He or she used the following three words to describe me as a listener"
_____ _____ _____

9. How did your rating of yourself compare to the ratings others gave to you?
_________________________________________

conversation starters for you and your child

Here are three conversation starters to use with your child. Try to listen more than talk and you will gain some great insight into your child's world and how he/she reasons through tough situations.

1. Are you a good at keeping a friend's secrets? Give an example.

2. If you could change one rule (school, family, home...anywhere), what would it be and why?

3. What do you think is the most important "thing" a kid learns in school--this can be academic or social?

talk about appropriate talk

At some point, kids are going to discover the shock value associated with talking about sex. Sprinkle in some bad words and you have the makings for a juicy lunch table conversation. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child understand when and where different topics can be discussed.

1. set the tone
Let your child know were you stand on the discussion of different topics. Are you open to discussion about sex? Will you explain what the "F" word really means when your child asks? Figure out where you stand, then start the conversation. Ask you child what he/she thinks about the dating, kissing or bad words. If you listen, your child will tell you a lot. If you pass judgement or look uncomfortable--worse, if you use shame--your child will shut down.

2. understand the audience
There aren't many things that are truly "bad" behavior. However, there are a lot of behaviors that are inappropriate when displayed in the wrong venue. Talk to your child about proper audiences. Your classmates are a great audience for a silly joke at recess, your teacher is not (especially when she asked you to sit down and read your book). Similarly, the lunch table crew is not the best audience to share what you just learned about sex from the "big kids." The topic is not wrong, rather the audience is just not right. Who is the right audience? Parents, teachers, doctors--someone who can comfortably answer questions with correct information.

3. stay informed
What your child is talking about at school is important--it's not just silly stuff to occupy the time. He/she is exploring new ideas, discovering boundaries and testing hypotheses all the time. Yes, it would be easier if the only things discussed were math or history, but that's not reality. The more open you are to the tough questions, the more your child will come back for more conversations.

Kids are going to talk to each other. They are not going to stop talking about juicy stuff simply because we adults say, Find the right audience. They will, however, begin to gain an understanding of what is appropriate to talk about and when. This is a learning process that takes a lifetime--there are adults who will still tell inappropriate jokes and wonder why everyone is rolling their eyes!

a week off :)

Thank you so much to everyone who reads ashleylippincott.com Due to mid-terms, I am taking this week off. See you next week!

agree on clothes

You're not wearing that, are you? Have you ever said this? If you haven't, it's only a matter of time before you do. Here are 3 easy steps to make sure both you and your child like what's hanging in the closet.


1. pre-decide
Decide what you (the parent) like before you even offer to go shopping with your child. If you don't like it, you don't have to buy it. Even if your child offers to spend his/her money on it, if you don't like it, you don't have to bring it home. It is your house and your rules. That being said, understand your child's age and taste. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes.

2. ask
Ask your child what he/she wants to get. Chances are, your child won't know until you arrive at the store, but try to get a general idea. Are you looking for church clothes? Birthday party clothes? School clothes? An outfit for a dance? Know what your in for so you aren't surprised when your child holds up dance clothes when you are thinking church clothes.


3. agree
Before you walk into the store, let your child know the ground rule: You BOTH have to like what is purchased. This may seem impossible to both of you. Your child is envisioning you forcing her into turtlenecks and knee socks while all you see is her insisting on skin tight jeans with panties peeking out the top. Believe it or not, neither of you wants these extremes. If both of you go in with an open mind and agree to disagree (and put those items back), you will both leave the store with smiles.

motivate my kid

How do I get my kid to be as interested in school as he/she is in playing with friend? Here are 3 easy steps to get you on your way.

1. find an interest
Take time to watch your child, talk to your child. Find out what your kids is really interested in. Sometimes it's obvious (a kid who loves Star Wars is pretty easy to spot), and other times it's a little more subtle.

2. sharpen your pencil
Brush up on your home/schoolwork skills, because you are going to have to know the ins and outs of what your child is not interested in doing. Yes, you've already been thru school, but stay with me here. If you hear your child say, Why do I have to learn _____? Then ____ is what you must learn yourself. This is the area you want to generate interest in. Start by modeling your interest.

3. connect
To hook your child in, connect what your child's school work with his/her interest. When a child finds value in what he/she is doing, motivation will follow. Take that _____ from step 2 and connect it to your child's interest. Let's say your child said, Why do I have to learn Spanish? Make it a game. Talk about skateboarding (interest from step 1) in Spanish. Start calling the tricks in Spanish. Ask if he/she wants to go to the skatepark in Spanish. See where this is going? There is incentive to learn because you've shown interest, you've connected it to something fun.

spend a quality day together

Don't let another weekend pass you by. Make a date with a special loved one and devote the day to quality time! Here are 3 easy steps to make it happen.

1. clear your calendar
You clear your calendar for all sorts of stuff--haircuts, meetings, oil changes. Now is the time to clear your calendar to strengthen a special relationship. It's not difficult. Block out some time and do it.

2. select an activity
Pick an activity that has little structure. Going to a park or out to eat are good choices. There is the loose structure so you feel like you are doing something special, but not too much structure that it interferes with conversation. Movies are not a good choice, as there is not much time spent together (except for before and after the show).

3. follow the flow
Just enjoy the day. Follow where it leads you. Eat an appetizer and dessert, linger over a cup of coffee. Kick off your shoes in the park and stay until sundown. While you're relaxing and enjoying the slow pace, your relationship just got a boost in the arm quality time and bonding.

agree on a new pet

I want a Lab! I want a Chiuaua! I want an iguana! The screams are overwhelming. How on earth does a family come to an agreement about which pet to add to the mix? Here are 3 easy steps to start the pet finding process.

1. be realistic
How much time are you really going to spend with your newest family member? If your weekday are full of school and work, and your weeknights are full of baseball and gymnastics, then a high maintenance dog might not be the best pick. You may love the looks of a cute furry puppy, but remember that puppy is a baby--he cries thru the night, needs help with potty training and most importantly he needs your touch. If you aren't home, how will this happen?

2. research
Yuck! Research? Pets are supposed to be fun, not work. However, a few hours at the computer will help set the tone for the next 10 years of your life with your new pet. See what's needed. Maybe you will have to find special food, bedding or activities to keep your pet healthy. If your not interested in walking your dog before and after school each day, rain or shine, maybe a cat is more your speed.

3. wait
Make a decision and sleep on it for a month. Four weeks may seem like a lot now, but it's nothing compared to the lifespan of an animal. If you still want the pet after a month, and you've carved out time in your schedule to take care of its needs, then you just may have zeroed in on the perfect pet for your family!

start a conversation

Walking into a room and joining a conversation can be scary at any age. Here are some tried-and-true tricks to get you confident and in the conversation.

1. prepare
What's your opening line? Yes, you are on stage. The audience is looking at you, waiting to see what you bring to the conversation. Don't get stuck with nothing to say. Pre-plan 3 topics you feel comfortable talking about AND that the group has some interest in talking about. Whether it's a 6th grade party (the science project due, what you think the field trip will be like, how fun the party is) or a workplace happy hour (last board meeting, new lunch place, recent acquisition), be sure to have some topics "in your pocket."

2. play the game
There's nothing worse than playing with someone who doesn't know the rules. Make sure you understand that there are rules to conversations. First off, it's a conversation, not a monologue--talk for more than 2 minutes without sharing the floor and it's no longer a conversation. Use eye contact so people know you are listening to what they are saying rather than simply planning what you want to say next. Ask questions and express an interest in the other person. It bears repeating: Conversation goes 2 ways.

3. leave 'em wanting more
Don't wait for the hook, or for someone to look at his watch, or worse yet, for someone to simply turn away. When you feel the conversation ending, sign off. Find another person to talk to or bring in another person to your group. This way you keep the discussion fresh and energizing--a great mix to keep people coming back for more.

fill a basic emotional tool box

Are you equipped? If so, have you shared some important tools with your child(ren)? Here are 3 easy steps to make sure you all have the basic tools in your emotional tool box.

1. start a conversation
This is as basic as having a hammer. Can you walk up to a group and join a conversation? The first step is to smile and listen to what is being discussed. Get a feel for the direction the group is taking the topic and then join in. When a lull hits, this is where you rely on homework--the topics you came prepared to discuss (recent sports game, etc). If all else fails, ask someone about him/herself (as in, How did you get started playing soccer/practicing law? or What did you think about science class/board meeting today?) it's a sure bet to stay talking and out of the dark corners of the room!

2. express discomfort
Too often, we stay in an uncomfortable situation because we feel trapped. There is a difference between tattle-tailing and telling. Tattle-tailing is restating the obvious in an effort to get someone else in trouble. For better or worse, we do a good job of discouraging this in the early years of school. Unfortunately, it leads to confusion as to when to tell about inappropriate behaviors. Telling is letting someone know that you need help, that you are uncomfortable emotionally or physically. Telling can be empowering--it shifts the control to your hands. Where someone was exerting power over you by being mean, you are now reclaiming your power by stating your discomfort clearly putting an end to it.

3. pack your own lunch
Rely on yourself for as much as possible. This does not mean you are a hermit. What it does mean is that you are in charge of you. You can fix your own pb&j with the exact amount of jelly that you like. Self reliance starts small, with baby steps. What begins with a lunch box moves on to laundry (so you always have your favorite shirt exactly the way you want it), to being responsible for homework and grades, and then, eventually, to selecting friendships. It is a real confidence builder to know that YOU can do it!

grieving the loss of a loved one

There is nothing easy about losing a loved one, and 3 steps will never be enough, but they are a start.


1. cry
Sniffle, sob, wail--it's all ok. However your body wants to express emotion is ok. We aren't equipped to keep these feelings in. Unfortunately, so many of us feel pressure to "put on a happy face" even in times of loss. Don't give into the pressure just yet. Take time...and cry.

2. connect
Find friends, family and loved ones. You have a safety net, now's the time to use it. Rely on these people, they want to help--so let them! Too often we force ourselves to "be strong" and push through the day without any help. Asking for a shoulder to lean on is strength.


3. remember
Take time to remember all the reasons why the deceased was important to you. Write these thoughts down. Talk with friends about the ways he/she touched your life. Keep the person alive in your memories and your heart.

find true friends

Why won't they play with me? They never talk about what I want to talk about!
A square peg won't fit into a round hole--a concept sometimes lost when trying to make friends. When a friendship is built on a false pretense (you pretend to like or be something just to get into the group), it's hard find true satisfaction. Here are 3 easy steps to find true friends who like you just the way you are!

1. examine your friendships
Maybe the crowd you're chasing in middle school is into the Twilight series but you just can't seem to get through the first chapter...put the book down. Step away from the book! What do you like--soccer? cooking? gymnastics? Stay true to who you are and hold out for friends with similar interests. They might be right under your nose, just waiting for you to join them!

2. move along
Let go of some of the past so you can grab hold of the future! Maybe you've always been that kid hanging on the fringe of the group. Worse, you're afraid if you let go of the fringe for fear you'll have nothing left to hold onto. Life is a risk. What if you let go only to find the friends you've been wanting all along, friends who like exactly who you are (rather than who you were trying to be)? Have faith in yourself, you can take this step.

3. spread your wings
Here you are, on your own. Now stretch your wings. Sign up for new activities, join clubs, eat at a new table. People are not scary or mean, they are just like you, looking for friends. Be true to yourself and let these new friends get to know the real you. You'll feel better about the connections you're making and they will know the real you.

dealing with mean emails

You didn't sit with me at lunch, I hate you! or Everybody knows you have a crush on Johnny! These notes can be so mean. Put them in an email, IM or text and they seem to take on even greater significance. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child if he/she has been receiving mean emails:

1. print

It is so great that your relationship with your child is comfortable enough that you are kept in the loop with sensitive friend issues. Take it one step further and ask for a hard copy of the notes. Chances are, your child was so embarrassed about these hurtful messages that he/she erased them as fast as possible. Or, perhaps, your child responded with words that he/she now thinks will result in punishment and deleted even more. Still, encourage your let you see the actual notes. If you missed seeing the actual exchange, unfortunately there will probably be another round of emails the next night. Start with seeing/copying that one.

2. talk

With your hard copy in hand, talk to the important people in your child's school life--teacher, advisor, guidance counselor, principal. Make the school aware of the hard feelings between these two kids. If it's happening at school, perhaps computer privileges need to be monitored/revoked while some netiquette is learned. If you're comfortable, talk to the other parents. Sometimes kids think they are working in a vacuum and that no one knows what they did the night before. Rally the village (as in, It takes a village to raise a child.). This is a learning experience for both children.

3. reassess

Now it is time teach your child about reassessing a friendship. Is this a person your child really wants to be friends with? If yes, then it's time to figure out how to make things work better--mean emails are not part of a good friendship. If no, then learning how to move gracefully from one friendship to another (without stirring up any more drama) is the next skill on the list (and a past posting on this blog!). Leave your child with the power to choose which peers he/she wants to have for friends. Every part of this is a learning experience.



These three steps are a start. If the mean emails don't stop, be certain to continue to inform the school as they can best help you and your child.

understand basic body language

While we spend a lot of time consumed with words and talking, only about 25% of those words is actually heard. Most of what we communicate happens non-verbally, and believe it or not, most people aren't even aware of what they are saying with their body. Don't be a statistic! Here are 3 easy steps to make sure you know the messages you are sending out:

1. space
Ever been uncomfortable with a "close talker?" This person didn't understand that there are some rules regarding how close individuals stand to each other based on the relationship they have. How close are you standing to the person you're talking to? If you are with a good friend then the space between you two will be small, if you are with an acquaintance then it will be a little larger. You boss will have an even larger space and then a stranger will have the largest distance of all. No matter what words you choose, if you stand too close (causing the person anxiety) your message will be lost.


2. touch
Are you a bone-crusher or a dead fish when you shake hands? Touch tells a lot about the person. A decent, evenly matched handshake is best, but what about all the others? If you walk up with a smile and shake someone's hand while also putting your hand on their shoulder, you are expressing dominance. This may be the message you'd like to send to an employee, but not to your boss. If you want to come across as an independent woman taking on the world but when offer an over-the-top (think: prince kneeling to kiss the back of the hand) handshake, then your submissive actions have just contradicted your independent efforts.


3. face
It is so true, the eyes are the window to the soul. What kind of eye contact do you maintain? Looking at someone is the start to a conversation. Humans (and apes!) use eye contact/stare downs to establish dominance. This goes far beyond the playground games. If someone is talking to you, do you meet their gaze or do you feel the need to look down. If it's the latter, then you may have more of a struggle on your hands to establish your independence. Interestingly, the reverse of this is helpful in dating--looking down and tilting the head is a sign of vulnerability/submission, taken to mean romantic interest on the woman's part.

find order in childhood disorders

ADD, ADHD, ODD..the list goes on and they all end with the same "D"--disorder. The D travels with the diagnosed kids, sometimes making for an uncomfortable day. Teachers are upset, parents are upset and most importantly the kids themselves are upset. Some days may seem like a losing battle to these kids. Add a new letter, O = Order. Here are 3 easy steps to help add some "O!"

1. make it mundane

Routine and structure are comforting. We all like to know what to expect. As basic as it sounds, regular (early) betimes, mealtimes and diet choices are key. With the rush of each school week, it's easy to stray and have a fast food dinner after baseball practice followed by a late bedtime and homework finished over breakfast in the morning. While this may fit in all the activities, it's not setting your child up for success. Slow down. Take a breath. Decide what's most important here--getting your child's behavior back under your child's control. Make sure to keep the routines simple and predictable.



2. visit school

We are visual creatures by nature. Your hearing the descriptions of your child's school behavior may not be enough--you might need to see it, too. Schedule an appointment--drop-ins are not usually met with open arms--with your school to first discuss the behaviors (be sure to bring an extra set of ears as you might not catch all the details) and then ask to observe your child where you can't be seen (behaviors typically change when a parent is spotted). Once you see the targeted behaviors occur in school, you might recognize them in other settings and can then use the teachable moment to help your child find different behavioral choices to make once back in school.



3. group work

Social skills groups are so beneficial because they use the power of peer pressure. While individual counseling is great, sometimes having the therapist tell the kid-on-the-couch what he needs to do (not the goal of most therapy sessions, but sometimes the perception of the child/client) can be met with some resistance. A skilled group leader can coax all those great lessons right out of the mouths of your child's peers. Anything sounds better coming from a friend than an adult! Ask your school guidance counselor for a list of outside counseling resources and recommendations for a social skills group. Look/ask for a group covering social skills, impulse control, and self-esteem.

kick judgment aside

It's easy to do, to think I can't stand the way she always butts in conversations or That guy has no concept of how arrogant he sounds. We are human, we judge everything we experience--each one of us perceives reality with our own filter. However, there are times when our judgments can go too far, closing us off from valuable relationships. Here are 3 easy steps to kick negative judgments aside.

1. the percents
You will never get 100% from anyone, even from yourself. Yet, we hold out and expect everyone else to be perfect. Look at a person and find the good, the funny, the efficient, whatever it is that you like. Hold onto that trait and accept that, for this individual, this may be all you get. There's a percentage you will find with each person in your life and, over the long haul, these percentages will add up to well over 100. Keep in mind that all your needs will not be met in one place (nor will you be able to meet all of someone else's needs!).

2. bragging
Complaining is bragging. How? By saying, He always arrives to class/meetings late, or, She's always talking about stuff she doesn't know, you are bragging about you handle your affairs. The listener hears you say, I value promptness and I am never late, and, I value intelligence and only speak of what I know. Great values, yes, but they don't need to be broadcast in this manner. Your actions will speak louder than those negative words. Let your calm, accepting reaction to someone else's infraction speak volumes about your patience, tolerance or compassion.

3. step aside
Giving someone the chance to figure out a problem (social or otherwise) is a great gift. We all are at different points on our journey of life and will eventually meet at the end. Trust that, like you've experienced, the out-of-line person will not be pleased or comfortable with his/her actions. No one wants to miss the mark, we all want to win the superstar award. Wait for a private moment and use encouragement to help. Can I walk with you to class/the meeting? might be the beginning of both promptness and a new friendship!

have a fun weekend

It's the weekend! Wahoo! What are you doing to make the most of it? Make a list. We schedule in commitments all work week long, why not do the same for the weekend? Commit to doing some favorite activities. If each family member makes a short, 3-item list, you'll be sure to have a full weekend full of smiles! Here's my list of 3 for this weekend.

1. sleep in
The time slept-in to is relative. The alarm usually goes off at 5:30, so to be able to sleep, uninterrupted, until 7:30 or gasp 8:00 is a treat.

2. cook
A new cookbook and a full pantry, what more could I ask for? On the list is home made bacon and an apple slab cake. Yum!

3. homework
Escaping all ties to reality would not be a good set-up for Monday. So, homework has a place, too. I actually like studying--while it may not be relaxing, it is still enjoyable.

bring back common courtesy

He’s such a nice boy! She’s so polite! We all love to hear people say these comments about our kids. Common courtesies allow us to step out of ourselves for a moment and help make the world better for the person next to us. It’s the little ways we show our respect for each other—peers and authority figures alike.

Here are 3 easy steps to teach some basic common courtesies. Let the compliments pour in!

1. list
With your child, each make a list of all the things you’d love for people to do for you when you walk into a room, join a conversation or are looking for a place to sit at lunch. Include everything from opening doors to not chewing with a full mouth to inviting a new friend to read with you in the library. Select 3 things on this list that you think are easy enough to expect others to do for you. You know what’s next—commit to doing these very three things for a week yourself, as in you are doing these things for someone else without expecting anything in return. You’ll be amazed at what becomes habit!

2. microphone, please
Announce the common courtesy you are doing as you do it. For example, Here, let me get this snack wrapper off the floor for you, while picking up the trash for the individual who may not (or may!) know that it fell. Get double credit for your good deed—it feels good and your teaching the other person how to do it, too. You are paying the favor forward, next time this person will be more inclined to help you out.

3. see the invisible
We see hair color, clothes and behaviors, but what about the other parts that make each person unique? Use play-doh to mold a symbol which represents what you bring to a conversation. Are you the sports stats go-to person? Maybe you shaped a football to represent this. Are you more of a listener than a talker? You might have made an ear. Do this as a family and share what each person’s contribution to the group is. Finish with a brief discussion about how we all bring something special to the room, and without each one of us the room would not be the same. Take the conversation one step further and identify which strengths you see in others that you’d like to develop in yourself.

quit wasting time

Quit lollygagging! What's taking so long? You've been doing homework for 2 hours, what's taking so long? Kids are known for wasting time. No one's born with great time management skills, they are learned. Here are 3 easy steps to help teach your child the fine art time management.



1. calendar skills/agenda
This sounds so basic, but unless you teach calendar skills, the days of the month are nothing more than little squares under a pretty calendar picture to your child. Post a family calendar on the fridge and have each member post important events--birthdays, dental visits, big homework assignments. This will start with you saying, You have a spelling test on Friday, come put it on the calendar, walking your child thru the process. Eventually, your child will begin to post events without your prompting, Mom, I'm going over to Susie's house on Friday, I'll put it on the calendar. Make sure to make a big deal out of those moments--this is the behavior you've been encouraging.

2. space out work, don't cram
This is the hardest skill. If a project isn't due for 2 weeks, why should I start working on it now? Sit down with your child and the calendar. Post the final due date and then work backwards. Perhaps 3 days prior to the due date you post a rough draft date, 3 days prior to that you post an outline date, 3 days prior to that you post complete readings, and so on. By spacing out, or chunking, the project, it will be completed in a relaxed, comfortable manner. Hint: Most of the time when teachers assign these longterm projects, they are looking for evidence time management skills.


3. raise expectations
There is truth in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do you expect your child to dawdle? Are you waiting for the Hurry up! argument? We typically get what we are looking for. Change your pattern. Put structures in place to keep work moving in a timely manner. Expect homework to be completed by 8:00 (you set the time that best suits your family) and it will start to be completed sooner and sooner--give your child a chance to catch up to your new expectations. We all want to please (yes, even your grouchy teen wants to please!). Make sure you're aware of the expectations your child is trying to live up to.

stop doing your kids homework!

You've been to school. Surely you've said these very words to your child (repeatedly!) when in the midst of nightly homework arguments. Live up to it. Don't do their homework for them.

Parents doing homework is such a trend that many teachers require the bulk of written work to be completed in class or ask for a disclaimer the child signs saying that the above work is, in fact, the student's original work.

Here are 3 easy steps to get out of the habit of doing your child's homework.

1. know the difference
...between helping and doing. When your child complains that there are too many math problems, help with time management, chunking groups of 10 problems at a time with a treat at the end of each group. Don't say you do the first 10 multiplication problems and I'll do the second set of 10. If your child is stuck on a problem, the quick response is to just say the answer: 7x9=63 but the way to help is to remember the math strategies: Let's think about this, what's the highest multiple of 7 you know? Add 7 more to it and so on. Remember your goal here--you want your child to grow into a bright, confident, resourceful adult. The real world doesn't have people to do the work you don't want to do. It's a tough lesson, and there won't be smiles, but teach the tough stuff now. Can you imagine this behavior in an adult?

2. structure
Build the scaffolding around your child's work. For the afternoons, make a homework schedule and stick to it. Routine is comforting as everyone involved knows what to expect. TVs are off, cell phones in chargers and computer use is in common areas. If you have work you've brought home, now is a good time to do it, too. The message conveyed to your kids is that this house is one which respects hard work enough to reserve time each day to do just that.

3. be ok with the fall
As with anything, there will be ups and downs. The goal is for more ups than downs over the long haul. Let your kid know that you trust him/her enough to leave the schoolwork in his/her hands--that is until the school contacts you. As long as your child is managing, go with it. Responsibility is so hard to grasp (just read the newspaper for people who don't get it!), and your child is willing to try. Step back if a low grade or missed homework comes to your attention, ask your child what he/she plans on doing to remedy this situation. Try whatever is offered. By doing so, you're showing you have faith in your child's ability to handle things.

transform annoying kids

Every morning you start the day with the same get-ready-for-school argument and round out each evening with a homework, brush-your-teeth, I-don't-care-what-Johnny's-mom-bought trifecta. Here are 3 easy steps to help transform your annoying kids.

1. carve (out time)
Captain Obvious says: Your kids want your attention. They found out that driving you nuts works, but not entirely because the attention they are getting includes you working on your frown lines rather than working on parent/child bonds--not their first goal, but it'll do in a pinch if they don't know any other way to engage you. Give them what they want on your terms. Set 30 minutes aside, turn off your phone, and be (as in a Zen, in-the-now moment) with your kids. Do what they like to do--paint, ride bikes, play with lovies. Quality is so much more than quantity. Satisfy their need for 1:1 time, give them your full attention.

2. channel Gandhi
If mornings are the toughest (read: worst) time of day you spend with your kids, use Gandhi's quote as your mantra: Be the change you wish to see in the world. If it drives you nuts that your kids aren't up, dressed, fed and have lunches packed when you emerge from your room, then be the change by waking up 15 minutes earlier, walk the kids thru key parts of the morning. Your built in extra 15 minutes won't make you late and you are modeling (one of the strongest forms of learning) exactly how you want your kids to organize their morning (teaching time management).

3. compartmentalize
Instead of thinking I can't stand my kids in the morning!, think, I can't stand the arguments in the morning! Sounds like semantics, but it's so much more. To say you can't stand your kids is a general comment about who they are as individuals, fairly hard and involved to change. Saying you can't stand the arguments is much smaller and easy to change. Compartmentalize each behavior/time of day that you struggle with and tackle each one at a time. Before you know it, change will be on the way!

pencil in a family meeting

With busy schedules starting in Kindergarten and ending, well, never, how do you come together with the entire family on a regular basis? Pencil it in! Here are 3 easy steps to conduct family meetings in your house.

1. announce
Post the day, time, duration (20-30 minutes is plenty) and topic of the family meeting for at least 24 hours. While you may be ready to talk this instant, the 24-hour time delay will force you to think about your position and prepare ideas. For example: You've just put your dog down and now the hamster died. While your knee jerk response might be to gather the kids and go to the first pet store you see to replace the furry family members, sitting on the feelings for one day might allow time for alternative ideas (like researching pets and finding one that fits your apartment lifestyle better than a Great Dane).

2. conch
Establish what will be the conch--anything from a pencil to a trophy will do. The only way for a family member to talk is if he/she is holding the conch. Every idea is considered, everyone has a voice, no one is too young, too silly, too anything. Determine a pattern so the conch is shared equally (pass in a circle, raise hands, etc).

3. leave 'em wanting more
Be sure to end no later than the time you announced, and don't be afraid to end before then if the meeting has met its goal. You want to keep this meeting as part of your family life, right? Then don't re-hash details, or spend all your time on negativity (We have a problem with people leaving shoes everywhere, which reminds me, those shoes are full of dirt and stink! Who do you think has to clean...). Make sure to balance a concern with fun. After you discuss the distribution of chores for the week (short, maybe draw tasks out of a jar) spend time talking about a weekend family outing (who wants to go tubing at the spring on Saturday?). Always end on a good note and they will keep coming back for more.