This is a question we all struggle with. Do you see potential for growth or change where your colleague might have a blind spot? Is a family member fighting a battle and you'd like to offer support? Not every situation is one to rush into. With adults, one person's help is another's nosey-ness. Here are 3 easy steps to determine if your help is wanted.
1. remember
You've known this person long enough to have watched him/her receive help in the past. Perhaps you were not the one offering it, but you were a bystander. What was the talk like? Was this person thankful for the help, using it in a productive manner or was the help perceived more as a nuisance and dismissed?
2. watch
Watch how this person talks about the issue of concern. Are you a sought out companion when times get tough or does this person have another go-to source for support? Are you brought questions for input or simply statements of what's already been decided.
3. offer cautiously
After pondering the above two questions, you decide to offer your insight--do this cautiously. Remember, the same message (the same words!) sounds different coming from different people. Is this a message that should come from a boss, a doctor or some other official? If you still feel the message could come from you and be helpful, go for it. You are a great friend/family member for taking the time to consider how your help would be received.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
foster independence
We all want our kids to be independent. We also want to help our kids avoid any mistakes. Sometimes these two wants fight each other. Here are 3 easy steps to instill independence.
1. reframe
Kids can get into the habit of only talking about what's not working. Every night, they unload all the negativity of the day onto you. Your parental instinct wants to fix every problem and make everything better, so you ask for details, offer suggestions, follow up on things the next night...and so on. Next thing you know, all you and your child talk about is what's wrong with each day. Help your child reframe the day's events. Yes, the unpleasant stuff is still there, we rarely have days that are 100% focused on us. And feel free to explore the negative stuff, too. However, end on a high note. Make sure the "frame" that hangs around that day is framing a positive event. This is not a material moment (ex, buying something), rather an independent moment (ex, finally finding success with a friendship, understanding an academic concept that was difficult).
2. let go
Swooping in and saving the day for a little one is a very different action than doing so for an older child. In fact, it can hinder the learning and independence of older children. This is not to say that you simply leave your child to fend for him/her self. Rather, you talk thru options and help your child come up with a plan for action. Note: this process is not you telling your child what to do. Yes, it would be a step back from you "doing," but you will want to go one step further and let your child stretch his/her thinking powers and try to develop some strategies alone. Once a strategy (ex, if your child thinks the teacher hates him, then perhaps he could offer to stay after and straighten up the desks/whereas if you went into the room, you would have a conference) is selected, your child will try it out the next day. Be there the following afternoon to see how things turned out. Remember, we rarely find the perfect solution the first time. Bite your tongue if you know what you want your child to do and let him/her find the way independently.
3. leader to mentor
This is not an overnight change. When kids are young, you are the leader. You tell them how to eat, what to wear, etc. As they get older, your role shifts from leader to mentor. While it's easy to see your mentor-role in late teens to adulthood, it is a very blurry line when shifting from leader to mentor in the tweens and teens. Some areas your child will be able to handle (perhaps your child is an ace at completing homework and doesn't need you to check it every night), while other areas will be tricky for some time to come (friendships may be difficult for years to come). Follow your gut. You are the parent and know what's best. Just keep the idea of the transition of leader to mentor in the back of your mind.
1. reframe
Kids can get into the habit of only talking about what's not working. Every night, they unload all the negativity of the day onto you. Your parental instinct wants to fix every problem and make everything better, so you ask for details, offer suggestions, follow up on things the next night...and so on. Next thing you know, all you and your child talk about is what's wrong with each day. Help your child reframe the day's events. Yes, the unpleasant stuff is still there, we rarely have days that are 100% focused on us. And feel free to explore the negative stuff, too. However, end on a high note. Make sure the "frame" that hangs around that day is framing a positive event. This is not a material moment (ex, buying something), rather an independent moment (ex, finally finding success with a friendship, understanding an academic concept that was difficult).
2. let go
Swooping in and saving the day for a little one is a very different action than doing so for an older child. In fact, it can hinder the learning and independence of older children. This is not to say that you simply leave your child to fend for him/her self. Rather, you talk thru options and help your child come up with a plan for action. Note: this process is not you telling your child what to do. Yes, it would be a step back from you "doing," but you will want to go one step further and let your child stretch his/her thinking powers and try to develop some strategies alone. Once a strategy (ex, if your child thinks the teacher hates him, then perhaps he could offer to stay after and straighten up the desks/whereas if you went into the room, you would have a conference) is selected, your child will try it out the next day. Be there the following afternoon to see how things turned out. Remember, we rarely find the perfect solution the first time. Bite your tongue if you know what you want your child to do and let him/her find the way independently.
3. leader to mentor
This is not an overnight change. When kids are young, you are the leader. You tell them how to eat, what to wear, etc. As they get older, your role shifts from leader to mentor. While it's easy to see your mentor-role in late teens to adulthood, it is a very blurry line when shifting from leader to mentor in the tweens and teens. Some areas your child will be able to handle (perhaps your child is an ace at completing homework and doesn't need you to check it every night), while other areas will be tricky for some time to come (friendships may be difficult for years to come). Follow your gut. You are the parent and know what's best. Just keep the idea of the transition of leader to mentor in the back of your mind.
Friday, November 6, 2009
questions that need your answers re: my blog
I'm considering changing my blog format and want to know your thoughts.
1. three pages
This would separate the articles for (1) parenting, (2) education, and (3) self help. With this format, the reader could click directly to the desired section. Would this be too many clicks to hold your interest or do you see it as a better way of sorting information?
2. a store
Over the counseling years, I've collected various tools and books that I find particularly helpful. In the store, items would be paired with my personal lesson plans and packaged together for sale. Do you already have a "go-to" source for all things counseling (if so, where?) or would you like to shop at this sort of store?
3. What is this site missing?
It's no small undertaking to make the move to an online store. Any feedback you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time and insight.
Ashley
1. three pages
This would separate the articles for (1) parenting, (2) education, and (3) self help. With this format, the reader could click directly to the desired section. Would this be too many clicks to hold your interest or do you see it as a better way of sorting information?
2. a store
Over the counseling years, I've collected various tools and books that I find particularly helpful. In the store, items would be paired with my personal lesson plans and packaged together for sale. Do you already have a "go-to" source for all things counseling (if so, where?) or would you like to shop at this sort of store?
3. What is this site missing?
It's no small undertaking to make the move to an online store. Any feedback you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time and insight.
Ashley
Thursday, November 5, 2009
public temper tantrums
We've all been there, feeling like every eye and ear are set squarely on us. Each comment and action is being scrutinized. It's enough to paralyze even the best parent. Here are 3 easy steps to help you keep your cool and deal with your child's public temper tantrum.
1. stay the course
If your child senses that public temper tantrums are the way to get what he/she wants, then your child will use them all the time--the opposite of what you are looking for here. Make sure you stick to the usual rules regardless of who's watching the outburst. Your child just refused to follow directions, threw his lunch box down and is walking away from you. Would you allow this at home? No. So don't allow it here.
2. forget about embarrassment
Easier said than done, but you have to let the embarrassment go. Think of it this way: you can have an embarrassing moment or two while you publicly correct this behavior, or you could allow the behavior and always be embarrassed by public outbursts you've conditioned your child use when he/she wants something. Seems like a no-brainer.
3. follow up at home
The moment has passed, you dealt with the outburst publicly. Great, but there's still one more step. Readdress the outburst at home. Don't get into the details of what the temper tantrum was about, that's been resolved. What needs attention is the fact that this was a very public display of inappropriate behavior. Be clear that such behavior is not acceptable in your family. This doesn't need a ton of words, just a couple of succinct sentences with a firm tone will get your point across.
1. stay the course
If your child senses that public temper tantrums are the way to get what he/she wants, then your child will use them all the time--the opposite of what you are looking for here. Make sure you stick to the usual rules regardless of who's watching the outburst. Your child just refused to follow directions, threw his lunch box down and is walking away from you. Would you allow this at home? No. So don't allow it here.
2. forget about embarrassment
Easier said than done, but you have to let the embarrassment go. Think of it this way: you can have an embarrassing moment or two while you publicly correct this behavior, or you could allow the behavior and always be embarrassed by public outbursts you've conditioned your child use when he/she wants something. Seems like a no-brainer.
3. follow up at home
The moment has passed, you dealt with the outburst publicly. Great, but there's still one more step. Readdress the outburst at home. Don't get into the details of what the temper tantrum was about, that's been resolved. What needs attention is the fact that this was a very public display of inappropriate behavior. Be clear that such behavior is not acceptable in your family. This doesn't need a ton of words, just a couple of succinct sentences with a firm tone will get your point across.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
your kid's views on cheating
Do you really know what your child thinks about cheating? We'd all like to assume that our children would never cheat, that they know why it's wrong. Here are 3 easy steps to start the conversation and gain some insight into your child's views on cheating.
1. watch
Play some games. See what happens. If you are playing Chutes and Ladders with your 5 year old, he/she may scoot the player over to avoid the long chutes. Learning that rules are for everyone is part of the developmental process at this young age. If you are playing cards with your middle schooler, and every time you look the other way the cards change, it's a different story. The "developmental stage" excuse to explain the behavior is no longer there.
2. bite your tounge
Don't say anything about the cheating until the game is over. Chances are, the cheater will win. As the cards are thrown back in for another round, ask the group if anyone else noticed the cheating going on. If you saw it, probably others saw it, too. Let that comment hang. Your child (the one who cheated) will want to fill the silence with rationalizations in support of cheating: It's just a game, I was playing, It's ok if you don't get caught...Hold your judgments for the moment and let your child continue. This is where you will gain the most insight. How does your child explain this dishonest behavior to him/herself? If the conversation lags a bit, ask some questions to the group like: Since we know there was cheating, does the winning still stand? or Who's ready for another round?
3. use the moment
Keep playing, and without preaching, share your views on cheating. Keep it brief. You've already gotten your child's attention with the embarrassment of being caught (he/she may laugh it off and say there wasn't an attempt to be sneaky, but rest assured there was the hope that the behavior wouldn't get caught). Keep playing the game, keep the light conversation alive. You want to maintain this connection with your child, so don't shut it down with a heavy lecture. Your child wants to please you. Your child also needs you to lead him/her down the right path. Don't let what looks like simple cheating in a card game turn into something more serious down the road--talk about it now.
1. watch
Play some games. See what happens. If you are playing Chutes and Ladders with your 5 year old, he/she may scoot the player over to avoid the long chutes. Learning that rules are for everyone is part of the developmental process at this young age. If you are playing cards with your middle schooler, and every time you look the other way the cards change, it's a different story. The "developmental stage" excuse to explain the behavior is no longer there.
2. bite your tounge
Don't say anything about the cheating until the game is over. Chances are, the cheater will win. As the cards are thrown back in for another round, ask the group if anyone else noticed the cheating going on. If you saw it, probably others saw it, too. Let that comment hang. Your child (the one who cheated) will want to fill the silence with rationalizations in support of cheating: It's just a game, I was playing, It's ok if you don't get caught...Hold your judgments for the moment and let your child continue. This is where you will gain the most insight. How does your child explain this dishonest behavior to him/herself? If the conversation lags a bit, ask some questions to the group like: Since we know there was cheating, does the winning still stand? or Who's ready for another round?
3. use the moment
Keep playing, and without preaching, share your views on cheating. Keep it brief. You've already gotten your child's attention with the embarrassment of being caught (he/she may laugh it off and say there wasn't an attempt to be sneaky, but rest assured there was the hope that the behavior wouldn't get caught). Keep playing the game, keep the light conversation alive. You want to maintain this connection with your child, so don't shut it down with a heavy lecture. Your child wants to please you. Your child also needs you to lead him/her down the right path. Don't let what looks like simple cheating in a card game turn into something more serious down the road--talk about it now.
Monday, November 2, 2009
kids can handle (and benefit from) some hard work
Today, most parents feel the need to make life easier for their kids. Easier than what? Than the life the parents had? Than the life the neighbor's kids have? Than the life of someone less advantaged? Here are three ideas supporting the idea that kids can handle (and may benefit from) some hard work.
1. self-reliance
Kids can figure out a lot--not just kid stuff, either. Give your child a job. Was a metal toy left in the tub and now there's a rust stain? Hand your child a sponge and some Comet to get the stain off. Sure, if this is new, you'll hear a lot of complaining at first. But when your child figures out that whining is not working, it will stop. Keep checking in. You may need to explain the idea of "elbow grease" and that there's nothing "magic" about Comet. When the stain finally comes off, be there with a smile and talk up the self-reliance angle. Your child figured out how to get a seemingly impossible stain off the tub--alone. Hooray for your child!
2. use all those working parts
Kids problem solve in school, why not bring it home. Is a bike not pedaling smoothly? Look at the parts, figure out how they are supposed to work. Put a can of WD-40 in your child's hand (and be ok with the mess). Let your child fiddle with the bike until the ride is smooth again. Yes, your child may forget where parts go if too many are taken off at once, but that's ok, too. He/she's learning the mechanics of a toy that was, most likely, taken for granted. If it broke, your child would have asked for a new one. Now he/she's figuring out the way it works, and might be able to fix it again in the future. Your child is in there, getting dirty hands and really thinking about the problem of the clicking pedal.
3. satisfaction in a job well done
Weeding is not the preferred activity of many people. However, there is something satisfying about getting all those weeds out and looking at a nice, clean flower bed. Put your kids on the job. They see you outside all the time, they know you're not making them do something you wouldn't do yourself (because then it might be seen as punishment). Offer some cash for a big job, but don't help if you're paying. Make sure the payoff matches the labor. When it comes time to give the money, be sure to say thanks for the large job completed and the care taken to pull every weed. Your child will have the satisfaction of pleasing you, a clean flower bed and now a little cash in the pocket.
1. self-reliance
Kids can figure out a lot--not just kid stuff, either. Give your child a job. Was a metal toy left in the tub and now there's a rust stain? Hand your child a sponge and some Comet to get the stain off. Sure, if this is new, you'll hear a lot of complaining at first. But when your child figures out that whining is not working, it will stop. Keep checking in. You may need to explain the idea of "elbow grease" and that there's nothing "magic" about Comet. When the stain finally comes off, be there with a smile and talk up the self-reliance angle. Your child figured out how to get a seemingly impossible stain off the tub--alone. Hooray for your child!
2. use all those working parts
Kids problem solve in school, why not bring it home. Is a bike not pedaling smoothly? Look at the parts, figure out how they are supposed to work. Put a can of WD-40 in your child's hand (and be ok with the mess). Let your child fiddle with the bike until the ride is smooth again. Yes, your child may forget where parts go if too many are taken off at once, but that's ok, too. He/she's learning the mechanics of a toy that was, most likely, taken for granted. If it broke, your child would have asked for a new one. Now he/she's figuring out the way it works, and might be able to fix it again in the future. Your child is in there, getting dirty hands and really thinking about the problem of the clicking pedal.
3. satisfaction in a job well done
Weeding is not the preferred activity of many people. However, there is something satisfying about getting all those weeds out and looking at a nice, clean flower bed. Put your kids on the job. They see you outside all the time, they know you're not making them do something you wouldn't do yourself (because then it might be seen as punishment). Offer some cash for a big job, but don't help if you're paying. Make sure the payoff matches the labor. When it comes time to give the money, be sure to say thanks for the large job completed and the care taken to pull every weed. Your child will have the satisfaction of pleasing you, a clean flower bed and now a little cash in the pocket.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
break your kids out of the weekday morning rut
The Monday-Friday routine is necessary, it gets us through the week. However, when the routine starts to take on some negative qualities (arguing, not wanting to get up, crying), it's time to channel Monty Python: And now for something completely different. Here are 3 easy steps to help shift gears and get back to a morning everyone likes.
1. wake up earlier
Yes, you already wake up early. But you've also decided that the mornings aren't working, and you're the adult, so you need to make the first change. Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier, wake up, have a little "me" time to collect yourself before you wake your child. Use this time to sip coffee, leisurely shower and get dressed, or look at your potted plants outside (getting fresh air is always energizing)--be selfish and take care of you first.
2. cook
Start the day with a warm breakfast. Most of us offer cereal or toast for weekday breakfast. Break out of that mold. What is your child's favorite breakfast? Pancakes? Buttermilk biscuits? Crumble cake?* Make it. You're probably thinking: My child has done nothing to make my life easier, why on earth am I going out of my way to make a home made breakfast?! You're beating your child to the punch. Any break in the usual routine will result in different behavior. Your child no longer has the argument of: There's nothing to eat in this house! In fact, it's the opposite, your child's favorite is already in the works. Be sure you offer this gift genuinely. It will be ruined if you act like a martyr.
3. fun
Plan something "crazy" for the morning. Is your house silent in the morning? Turn on the tv. Do you drive a short distance to school? Ride your bikes. Do you walk your dog after dropping off your child at school? Do it with your child before going to school. Again, this will help you break out of that rut and put you on the path to better mornings.
This is not an overnight fix. It took time to create the rut, it'll take time to get out of it. Your child will test you at every turn and try to start new arguments out of habit. Stay strong, stay one step ahead, rely on friends to give you strength, and don't give up thinking arguments are the only way your child will communicate with you. You can do this.
*If you said yes to any of these, I have great, simple recipies for each. Email me and I'll send it to you.
1. wake up earlier
Yes, you already wake up early. But you've also decided that the mornings aren't working, and you're the adult, so you need to make the first change. Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier, wake up, have a little "me" time to collect yourself before you wake your child. Use this time to sip coffee, leisurely shower and get dressed, or look at your potted plants outside (getting fresh air is always energizing)--be selfish and take care of you first.
2. cook
Start the day with a warm breakfast. Most of us offer cereal or toast for weekday breakfast. Break out of that mold. What is your child's favorite breakfast? Pancakes? Buttermilk biscuits? Crumble cake?* Make it. You're probably thinking: My child has done nothing to make my life easier, why on earth am I going out of my way to make a home made breakfast?! You're beating your child to the punch. Any break in the usual routine will result in different behavior. Your child no longer has the argument of: There's nothing to eat in this house! In fact, it's the opposite, your child's favorite is already in the works. Be sure you offer this gift genuinely. It will be ruined if you act like a martyr.
3. fun
Plan something "crazy" for the morning. Is your house silent in the morning? Turn on the tv. Do you drive a short distance to school? Ride your bikes. Do you walk your dog after dropping off your child at school? Do it with your child before going to school. Again, this will help you break out of that rut and put you on the path to better mornings.
This is not an overnight fix. It took time to create the rut, it'll take time to get out of it. Your child will test you at every turn and try to start new arguments out of habit. Stay strong, stay one step ahead, rely on friends to give you strength, and don't give up thinking arguments are the only way your child will communicate with you. You can do this.
*If you said yes to any of these, I have great, simple recipies for each. Email me and I'll send it to you.
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