break your kids out of the weekday morning rut

The Monday-Friday routine is necessary, it gets us through the week. However, when the routine starts to take on some negative qualities (arguing, not wanting to get up, crying), it's time to channel Monty Python: And now for something completely different. Here are 3 easy steps to help shift gears and get back to a morning everyone likes.

1. wake up earlier
Yes, you already wake up early. But you've also decided that the mornings aren't working, and you're the adult, so you need to make the first change. Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier, wake up, have a little "me" time to collect yourself before you wake your child. Use this time to sip coffee, leisurely shower and get dressed, or look at your potted plants outside (getting fresh air is always energizing)--be selfish and take care of you first.

2. cook
Start the day with a warm breakfast. Most of us offer cereal or toast for weekday breakfast. Break out of that mold. What is your child's favorite breakfast? Pancakes? Buttermilk biscuits? Crumble cake?* Make it. You're probably thinking: My child has done nothing to make my life easier, why on earth am I going out of my way to make a home made breakfast?! You're beating your child to the punch. Any break in the usual routine will result in different behavior. Your child no longer has the argument of: There's nothing to eat in this house! In fact, it's the opposite, your child's favorite is already in the works. Be sure you offer this gift genuinely. It will be ruined if you act like a martyr.

3. fun
Plan something "crazy" for the morning. Is your house silent in the morning? Turn on the tv. Do you drive a short distance to school? Ride your bikes. Do you walk your dog after dropping off your child at school? Do it with your child before going to school. Again, this will help you break out of that rut and put you on the path to better mornings.

This is not an overnight fix. It took time to create the rut, it'll take time to get out of it. Your child will test you at every turn and try to start new arguments out of habit. Stay strong, stay one step ahead, rely on friends to give you strength, and don't give up thinking arguments are the only way your child will communicate with you. You can do this.

*If you said yes to any of these, I have great, simple recipies for each. Email me and I'll send it to you.

help your child with writer's/homework block

Image by Guillermo Esteves via Flickr

We've all been there, thinking so hard for an answer when our mind is blank. What do you do? It can be frustrating at homework time when your child sits at the table, keys in hand, and can't think of the first word for essay that's due in the morning. The cursor just blinks on a blank screen. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child relax the brain and let ideas begin to flow.

1. stop
But the paper's due in a matter of hours! you're thinking. It is, but staring at a blank screen with you pressuring him to start isn't helping. What other tasks need to be completed before bed? Eat an early dinner, take a bath, organize materials for the next day, feed the animals...you get the picture. Do anything and everything before sitting back down at the computer. No time is lost, all those chores needed completion tonight anyway. You've just given your child at least an hour to NOT think about this essay prompt. You've released the pressure. This allows the ideas to swim around in the brain and begin to percolate.

2. think of the opposite
To prime the ideas, have a silly conversation with your child, What would the opposite of this essay prompt be? Giggle, have fun, offer several ideas along with your child. You are doing several things here. Not only are you sending a clear message that this mental block is not resulting in an argument, you are also showing that you are here for the process of generating ideas. You are probably biting your tongue because you've known the essay's answer for the last 4 hours, but stay strong. You've been thru school before. Help with the process.

3. start
Computers make drafts so easy. Have your child begin to write something. Who cares if it is wrong. Start each new idea as though it's a new paragraph. The start will be bumpy, but the idea will take off. At the end, go back to the top and delete the parts that don't contribute to the essay. If your child likes company, stay in the room for this process. Sometimes they will stop the flow of ideas to follow you and ask you to sit with them--not what you want.

Keep those ideas flowing!

help your child help a friend (and him/herself!)

Adolescence is full of "deep" issues that parents just wouldn't understand--or so most adolescents think. Somehow they've forgotten that we all must pass thru this stage before becoming an adult. Most of the deep-ness is manageable (dating, homework, gossip) but occasionally a topic arises that is, in fact, too deep for a friend to handle. Here are three easy steps to help your child help a friend.

1. insist on finding an adult
When a friend shares with your child a huge problem (divorce, depression, mental illness, abuse, etc), your child will want to try to "fix" the situation by offering suggestions and alternatives for behavior or thoughts. Unfortunately, some situations simply cannot be fixed so easily. Your child will be sucked into the problem and left feeling helpless once all suggested options are exhausted. Keep your ears open to your child's conversations. Repeatedly, before this situation arises, remind your child that the best help in tough situations comes from a trained professional. Make sure there is at least one trusted adult your child can identify at school. When the tough situation comes up with the friend, your child can say: I want to help you, but this is bigger than both of us together. Let's go talk to Mr/Mrs ____. Once the friend is in the door with the adult, then your child needs to step back (as in out of the room, and out of the equation) and let the adult help.

2. cost benefit analysis
This is tough, and no adolescent wants to do this. However, doing a cost benefit analysis is necessary. Look at the toll this relationship is taking on regular, everyday life. Is the friend isolating your child? Is your child experiencing mood changes? Is the friendship worth this experience? To be clear--it's your child's decision, not yours. Walk thru this conversation, you'll need to revisit this topic several times before any decision is made. It is not an all or nothing decision you are looking for, rather determining the level of intensity of the friendship.

3. keep a wide circle
Help your child keep a wide circle of friends. It's easy to dive into the comfort, even when the topics are scary, of one close friend. However, having a larger group of go-to people will help your child when the initial friendship gets to be too much. Another two or three people will balance the demand on your child's social time. Be sure to encourage these new friendships by offering to help coordinate out of school hang-out time. Try not to discourage the "intense" friendship, you don't want this friend to become the forbidden fruit.

handle you child's misbehavior at school

Kids will get in trouble at school. Believe it or not, not every infraction needs to be addressed at home, too. Here are three easy steps to handle things at home when your child gets in trouble at school.

1. listen
Ultimately, you want to know what goes on in your child's life. Getting mad at every little infraction is a sure way to shut down any line of communication. When your child comes home and tells you what happened (the behavior that resulted in "being in trouble"), just listen. Try to keep your feelings (words and body language) on the back burner for the moment and see if you can figure out why the misbehavior occurred. Not only will this help you gain understanding in this situation, but it will also help you learn how your growing child perceives the world--great insight.

2. ask
You've heard the entire story (step 1) and you're still not exactly sure exactly why your Little Joey threw his chips at a peer at lunch--was he mad at his friend for calling him a sloppy eater or was he embarrassed at being the butt of the joke? It may be both. Ask a clarifying question: Were you mad at Mark for calling you a sloppy eater? If yes, then stop. If he replies: No, I don't care about that! Then follow up with: Ok, I understand, I've never liked being the butt of the joke either. If this is still off the mark, go back to listening again before you ask any more questions. And whatever you do, try to avoid the Why? question. It's very difficult to answer and makes people instantly defensive.

3. take a lesson from Vegas
Whatever happens in school stays in school. Teachers are very capable individuals. Classroom management is an art, and the teachers are masters at it. If your child's teacher has handled the misbehavior (given a consequence) and left it at that, then that's your cue to do the same. Your phone number is easily accessible at school and the teacher chose NOT to contact you. A phone call home is reserved for the larger misbehaviors. Don't feel like you need to drop the hammer at home if you have not been contacted. What you do need to do is maintain the lines of communication between you and your child. Let your child know that you trust that he/she can handle his/her school business and that you won't step in for this type of behavior concern until the school asks you to do so (note, phone call, conference). If you are concerned that the school will think you aren't doing your "job," then let the school know your policy as well.

time managment "8th grade style"

After talking with a large group of 8th graders about their personal perspectives on life, school, sports, family and friends, I was amazed at how they balance everything. Here are three (of the many offered) time management tips they shared.

1. just do it
Even if the homework is not due the next day, just get it done. If there is nothing going on and you are just watching TV, go do the work. Save the extra time for sports or family or friends. TV did not rank too high on the list of priorities.

2. do a little each night
For the big projects, it's tempting to put off the work until the due date approaches. However, the kids felt the better way to tackle the large work load is to do a little at a time.

3. prioritize
Determine what is important in life. Everyone's list will be different. Make sure time is saved for the items at the top. Make sure "rest" and "sleep" are up there somewhere, too. Understand that you won't be able to do everything you'd like to do every week.

great famly-fun-night games

Spending time together as a family isn't always easy with homework, sports and friends all competing for time on your family's schedules. Here are three games to keep on hand for an impromptu round of family fun at the dinner table.

1. rumikub
Fun, challenging, yet easy enough for little ones to master the rules. Each player start with 14 tiles. The object is to place all tiles in sequences (color or number) on the board (your table) first. Ditch the box (it's too flimsy and large) and put all the tiles in a little bag. A round takes 10-15 minutes and any number of people can play.

2. left right center
A true no-brainer. Start with three tokens, roll three dice, and depending on what the dice say, distribute your tokens to the left, right or center. When one person has all the tokens, the game ends. The fun happens when players who had lost all tokes suddenly recieve a bunch back! This game can be played while everyone is eating and there is no limit on number of players.

3. blockus
This game of strategy takes a bit longer and a maximum of four people can play. Each player has a corner and a color. The object is to fit all of your pieces (each shaped differently) on the board while also blocking your opponents from doing the same.

Have a great Family Fun Night!

give your kid a break

Sometimes we all get overwhelmed and just need a break from the action. Our kids are no different. Here are 3 easy steps to help in just such a situation.

1. know the signs
You know your child. He/she usually comes home and sits down for homework without too much fuss (rarely does a child love this activity). However, today the tears stream and the argument is just too much, then chances are he/she is going thru something completely separate from the daily, non-tearful routine of homework. Be aware of behavioral patterns so you will know when something is out of line.

2. release judgment
Whatever you decide to give your child a break from, simply give the break and move on. Don't coat the gift with judgment or shame for not doing their usual job. You've given this gift, let go of the strings. This includes body language (folding arms, tapping foot), facial expressions (rolling eyes) and verbal language (If you really can't handle it, I guess just quit!). Let's say you've decided to let go of homework for the night. Let go of it. Your child will have appropriate consequences the next day at school without you being involved at all. Every choice we make results in consequences, there's nothing wrong with weighing options and making a choice based on immediate needs (a break) vs. longer term consequences (missing recess to complete homework).

3. don't make it a pattern
This is key--don't make the break a pattern. That is the opposite of what you're looking to do. Once is fine, perhaps a couple of times over the course of the year could be ok. However, if you find yourself skipping homework (or whatever break you've given) on a regular basis, then the break has become the norm.

make sure you're doing what you love

Sometimes embarking on a grand adventure or taking on new responsibilities sounds exciting. The idea of doing something new, not letting grass grow underfoot can be electrifying. However, once the "new adventure" becomes "routine," reality sets in--is this really what you wanted to do? Here are 3 easy steps to try out new ideas and do what you love.

1. pre-think
It can be so hard to actually sit down and make a pros and cons list. It's not rocket science, everyone lists it as the first technique to use when making a decision. Not many people actually go through the motions and make the list. Have you? Recently? Start one and keep it on the fridge. Every time you find yourself thinking about this new-adventure-possibility, write your feelings/thoughts/ideas down. Force yourself to think about both sides of the issue. The longer the list is on the fridge, the more thought out your list will be (as opposed to doing it all at once, when you are on Cloud 9 and can only think of positives).

2. ride it out (for a while)
So now you are in it, you've weighed the pros and cons and decided to jump into a new endeavor. If you're not having second thoughts, great! The list worked! If you are having some concerns, that's ok, too. Stay where you are. Give yourself a set amount of time before making any decisions about quitting--perhaps 60 days. Keep the pro/con list going on the fridge to help you sort out the highs and lows in this rocky time.

3. post-think
You've made it two months, and now you feel settled. Perfect, enjoy your adventure! What if you con list is longer than the fridge itself? Well, it might be time to reconsider this undertaking. There is no shame in changing your mind. You are living your life for you, no one else, so you may as well make yourself happy. Get out of that project and back to what you love. Another opportunity is right around the corner. Keep trying new stuff until you find your passion. In other words, keep throwing stuff at the wall and see what sticks.

slow down and get to know someone in a new way

We race through the days and nights in search of the finish line--sometimes forgetting to stop and see what's all around us. Here are 3 easy steps to slow down and get to know someone in a new way.

1. find someone new
We all have our go-to people. We eat lunch with the same group, call the same friend, collaborate with the same colleague...we get in a rut. There are tons of people all around that we don't typically take the time to notice. Set your sights on someone new and decide that you will get to know that person in a new way.

2. learn a life story
Sit down over lunch or a cup of coffee and ask your new friend, What brought you to _____? Fill the blank with whatever context the two of you know each other through. Are you at school? Then what brought your friend to this school. Are you at work? Then what brought your friend to this occupation.

3. ask
Ask a new question each day. In fact, if you can do this without being awkward, try and only ask questions in a conversation. This will keep the ball in your new friends court and keep them sharing about themselves. Feel free to answer when they ask you a question, but remember that this is about learning new things about new people--not dominating the conversation about you.

determine your listening quotient

While this isn't in 3 easy steps, it is in 9, so we're still related in a mathematical sense!
From Gamble and Gamble's book, Contact, page 113:


The following quiz can help you determine your effectiveness as a listener. First answer questions 1-4 yourself, then ask two people with whom you interact regularly to help you fill in questions 5-8. you can then answer question 9.


1. On a scale of 1-100, I give myself a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

2. I would use the following three words to describe myself as a listener:
_____ _____ _____

3. Others would give me a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

4. Others would use the following three words to describe me as a listener:
_____ _____ _____

5. One person I asked gave me a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

6. He or she used the following three words to describe me as a listener:
_____ _____ _____

7. Another person I asked gave me a rating of _____ as a listener.
0, 25, 50, 75, 100

8. He or she used the following three words to describe me as a listener"
_____ _____ _____

9. How did your rating of yourself compare to the ratings others gave to you?
_________________________________________

conversation starters for you and your child

Here are three conversation starters to use with your child. Try to listen more than talk and you will gain some great insight into your child's world and how he/she reasons through tough situations.

1. Are you a good at keeping a friend's secrets? Give an example.

2. If you could change one rule (school, family, home...anywhere), what would it be and why?

3. What do you think is the most important "thing" a kid learns in school--this can be academic or social?

talk about appropriate talk

At some point, kids are going to discover the shock value associated with talking about sex. Sprinkle in some bad words and you have the makings for a juicy lunch table conversation. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child understand when and where different topics can be discussed.

1. set the tone
Let your child know were you stand on the discussion of different topics. Are you open to discussion about sex? Will you explain what the "F" word really means when your child asks? Figure out where you stand, then start the conversation. Ask you child what he/she thinks about the dating, kissing or bad words. If you listen, your child will tell you a lot. If you pass judgement or look uncomfortable--worse, if you use shame--your child will shut down.

2. understand the audience
There aren't many things that are truly "bad" behavior. However, there are a lot of behaviors that are inappropriate when displayed in the wrong venue. Talk to your child about proper audiences. Your classmates are a great audience for a silly joke at recess, your teacher is not (especially when she asked you to sit down and read your book). Similarly, the lunch table crew is not the best audience to share what you just learned about sex from the "big kids." The topic is not wrong, rather the audience is just not right. Who is the right audience? Parents, teachers, doctors--someone who can comfortably answer questions with correct information.

3. stay informed
What your child is talking about at school is important--it's not just silly stuff to occupy the time. He/she is exploring new ideas, discovering boundaries and testing hypotheses all the time. Yes, it would be easier if the only things discussed were math or history, but that's not reality. The more open you are to the tough questions, the more your child will come back for more conversations.

Kids are going to talk to each other. They are not going to stop talking about juicy stuff simply because we adults say, Find the right audience. They will, however, begin to gain an understanding of what is appropriate to talk about and when. This is a learning process that takes a lifetime--there are adults who will still tell inappropriate jokes and wonder why everyone is rolling their eyes!

a week off :)

Thank you so much to everyone who reads ashleylippincott.com Due to mid-terms, I am taking this week off. See you next week!