agree on clothes

You're not wearing that, are you? Have you ever said this? If you haven't, it's only a matter of time before you do. Here are 3 easy steps to make sure both you and your child like what's hanging in the closet.


1. pre-decide
Decide what you (the parent) like before you even offer to go shopping with your child. If you don't like it, you don't have to buy it. Even if your child offers to spend his/her money on it, if you don't like it, you don't have to bring it home. It is your house and your rules. That being said, understand your child's age and taste. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes.

2. ask
Ask your child what he/she wants to get. Chances are, your child won't know until you arrive at the store, but try to get a general idea. Are you looking for church clothes? Birthday party clothes? School clothes? An outfit for a dance? Know what your in for so you aren't surprised when your child holds up dance clothes when you are thinking church clothes.


3. agree
Before you walk into the store, let your child know the ground rule: You BOTH have to like what is purchased. This may seem impossible to both of you. Your child is envisioning you forcing her into turtlenecks and knee socks while all you see is her insisting on skin tight jeans with panties peeking out the top. Believe it or not, neither of you wants these extremes. If both of you go in with an open mind and agree to disagree (and put those items back), you will both leave the store with smiles.

motivate my kid

How do I get my kid to be as interested in school as he/she is in playing with friend? Here are 3 easy steps to get you on your way.

1. find an interest
Take time to watch your child, talk to your child. Find out what your kids is really interested in. Sometimes it's obvious (a kid who loves Star Wars is pretty easy to spot), and other times it's a little more subtle.

2. sharpen your pencil
Brush up on your home/schoolwork skills, because you are going to have to know the ins and outs of what your child is not interested in doing. Yes, you've already been thru school, but stay with me here. If you hear your child say, Why do I have to learn _____? Then ____ is what you must learn yourself. This is the area you want to generate interest in. Start by modeling your interest.

3. connect
To hook your child in, connect what your child's school work with his/her interest. When a child finds value in what he/she is doing, motivation will follow. Take that _____ from step 2 and connect it to your child's interest. Let's say your child said, Why do I have to learn Spanish? Make it a game. Talk about skateboarding (interest from step 1) in Spanish. Start calling the tricks in Spanish. Ask if he/she wants to go to the skatepark in Spanish. See where this is going? There is incentive to learn because you've shown interest, you've connected it to something fun.

spend a quality day together

Don't let another weekend pass you by. Make a date with a special loved one and devote the day to quality time! Here are 3 easy steps to make it happen.

1. clear your calendar
You clear your calendar for all sorts of stuff--haircuts, meetings, oil changes. Now is the time to clear your calendar to strengthen a special relationship. It's not difficult. Block out some time and do it.

2. select an activity
Pick an activity that has little structure. Going to a park or out to eat are good choices. There is the loose structure so you feel like you are doing something special, but not too much structure that it interferes with conversation. Movies are not a good choice, as there is not much time spent together (except for before and after the show).

3. follow the flow
Just enjoy the day. Follow where it leads you. Eat an appetizer and dessert, linger over a cup of coffee. Kick off your shoes in the park and stay until sundown. While you're relaxing and enjoying the slow pace, your relationship just got a boost in the arm quality time and bonding.

agree on a new pet

I want a Lab! I want a Chiuaua! I want an iguana! The screams are overwhelming. How on earth does a family come to an agreement about which pet to add to the mix? Here are 3 easy steps to start the pet finding process.

1. be realistic
How much time are you really going to spend with your newest family member? If your weekday are full of school and work, and your weeknights are full of baseball and gymnastics, then a high maintenance dog might not be the best pick. You may love the looks of a cute furry puppy, but remember that puppy is a baby--he cries thru the night, needs help with potty training and most importantly he needs your touch. If you aren't home, how will this happen?

2. research
Yuck! Research? Pets are supposed to be fun, not work. However, a few hours at the computer will help set the tone for the next 10 years of your life with your new pet. See what's needed. Maybe you will have to find special food, bedding or activities to keep your pet healthy. If your not interested in walking your dog before and after school each day, rain or shine, maybe a cat is more your speed.

3. wait
Make a decision and sleep on it for a month. Four weeks may seem like a lot now, but it's nothing compared to the lifespan of an animal. If you still want the pet after a month, and you've carved out time in your schedule to take care of its needs, then you just may have zeroed in on the perfect pet for your family!

start a conversation

Walking into a room and joining a conversation can be scary at any age. Here are some tried-and-true tricks to get you confident and in the conversation.

1. prepare
What's your opening line? Yes, you are on stage. The audience is looking at you, waiting to see what you bring to the conversation. Don't get stuck with nothing to say. Pre-plan 3 topics you feel comfortable talking about AND that the group has some interest in talking about. Whether it's a 6th grade party (the science project due, what you think the field trip will be like, how fun the party is) or a workplace happy hour (last board meeting, new lunch place, recent acquisition), be sure to have some topics "in your pocket."

2. play the game
There's nothing worse than playing with someone who doesn't know the rules. Make sure you understand that there are rules to conversations. First off, it's a conversation, not a monologue--talk for more than 2 minutes without sharing the floor and it's no longer a conversation. Use eye contact so people know you are listening to what they are saying rather than simply planning what you want to say next. Ask questions and express an interest in the other person. It bears repeating: Conversation goes 2 ways.

3. leave 'em wanting more
Don't wait for the hook, or for someone to look at his watch, or worse yet, for someone to simply turn away. When you feel the conversation ending, sign off. Find another person to talk to or bring in another person to your group. This way you keep the discussion fresh and energizing--a great mix to keep people coming back for more.

fill a basic emotional tool box

Are you equipped? If so, have you shared some important tools with your child(ren)? Here are 3 easy steps to make sure you all have the basic tools in your emotional tool box.

1. start a conversation
This is as basic as having a hammer. Can you walk up to a group and join a conversation? The first step is to smile and listen to what is being discussed. Get a feel for the direction the group is taking the topic and then join in. When a lull hits, this is where you rely on homework--the topics you came prepared to discuss (recent sports game, etc). If all else fails, ask someone about him/herself (as in, How did you get started playing soccer/practicing law? or What did you think about science class/board meeting today?) it's a sure bet to stay talking and out of the dark corners of the room!

2. express discomfort
Too often, we stay in an uncomfortable situation because we feel trapped. There is a difference between tattle-tailing and telling. Tattle-tailing is restating the obvious in an effort to get someone else in trouble. For better or worse, we do a good job of discouraging this in the early years of school. Unfortunately, it leads to confusion as to when to tell about inappropriate behaviors. Telling is letting someone know that you need help, that you are uncomfortable emotionally or physically. Telling can be empowering--it shifts the control to your hands. Where someone was exerting power over you by being mean, you are now reclaiming your power by stating your discomfort clearly putting an end to it.

3. pack your own lunch
Rely on yourself for as much as possible. This does not mean you are a hermit. What it does mean is that you are in charge of you. You can fix your own pb&j with the exact amount of jelly that you like. Self reliance starts small, with baby steps. What begins with a lunch box moves on to laundry (so you always have your favorite shirt exactly the way you want it), to being responsible for homework and grades, and then, eventually, to selecting friendships. It is a real confidence builder to know that YOU can do it!

grieving the loss of a loved one

There is nothing easy about losing a loved one, and 3 steps will never be enough, but they are a start.


1. cry
Sniffle, sob, wail--it's all ok. However your body wants to express emotion is ok. We aren't equipped to keep these feelings in. Unfortunately, so many of us feel pressure to "put on a happy face" even in times of loss. Don't give into the pressure just yet. Take time...and cry.

2. connect
Find friends, family and loved ones. You have a safety net, now's the time to use it. Rely on these people, they want to help--so let them! Too often we force ourselves to "be strong" and push through the day without any help. Asking for a shoulder to lean on is strength.


3. remember
Take time to remember all the reasons why the deceased was important to you. Write these thoughts down. Talk with friends about the ways he/she touched your life. Keep the person alive in your memories and your heart.

find true friends

Why won't they play with me? They never talk about what I want to talk about!
A square peg won't fit into a round hole--a concept sometimes lost when trying to make friends. When a friendship is built on a false pretense (you pretend to like or be something just to get into the group), it's hard find true satisfaction. Here are 3 easy steps to find true friends who like you just the way you are!

1. examine your friendships
Maybe the crowd you're chasing in middle school is into the Twilight series but you just can't seem to get through the first chapter...put the book down. Step away from the book! What do you like--soccer? cooking? gymnastics? Stay true to who you are and hold out for friends with similar interests. They might be right under your nose, just waiting for you to join them!

2. move along
Let go of some of the past so you can grab hold of the future! Maybe you've always been that kid hanging on the fringe of the group. Worse, you're afraid if you let go of the fringe for fear you'll have nothing left to hold onto. Life is a risk. What if you let go only to find the friends you've been wanting all along, friends who like exactly who you are (rather than who you were trying to be)? Have faith in yourself, you can take this step.

3. spread your wings
Here you are, on your own. Now stretch your wings. Sign up for new activities, join clubs, eat at a new table. People are not scary or mean, they are just like you, looking for friends. Be true to yourself and let these new friends get to know the real you. You'll feel better about the connections you're making and they will know the real you.

dealing with mean emails

You didn't sit with me at lunch, I hate you! or Everybody knows you have a crush on Johnny! These notes can be so mean. Put them in an email, IM or text and they seem to take on even greater significance. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child if he/she has been receiving mean emails:

1. print

It is so great that your relationship with your child is comfortable enough that you are kept in the loop with sensitive friend issues. Take it one step further and ask for a hard copy of the notes. Chances are, your child was so embarrassed about these hurtful messages that he/she erased them as fast as possible. Or, perhaps, your child responded with words that he/she now thinks will result in punishment and deleted even more. Still, encourage your let you see the actual notes. If you missed seeing the actual exchange, unfortunately there will probably be another round of emails the next night. Start with seeing/copying that one.

2. talk

With your hard copy in hand, talk to the important people in your child's school life--teacher, advisor, guidance counselor, principal. Make the school aware of the hard feelings between these two kids. If it's happening at school, perhaps computer privileges need to be monitored/revoked while some netiquette is learned. If you're comfortable, talk to the other parents. Sometimes kids think they are working in a vacuum and that no one knows what they did the night before. Rally the village (as in, It takes a village to raise a child.). This is a learning experience for both children.

3. reassess

Now it is time teach your child about reassessing a friendship. Is this a person your child really wants to be friends with? If yes, then it's time to figure out how to make things work better--mean emails are not part of a good friendship. If no, then learning how to move gracefully from one friendship to another (without stirring up any more drama) is the next skill on the list (and a past posting on this blog!). Leave your child with the power to choose which peers he/she wants to have for friends. Every part of this is a learning experience.



These three steps are a start. If the mean emails don't stop, be certain to continue to inform the school as they can best help you and your child.

understand basic body language

While we spend a lot of time consumed with words and talking, only about 25% of those words is actually heard. Most of what we communicate happens non-verbally, and believe it or not, most people aren't even aware of what they are saying with their body. Don't be a statistic! Here are 3 easy steps to make sure you know the messages you are sending out:

1. space
Ever been uncomfortable with a "close talker?" This person didn't understand that there are some rules regarding how close individuals stand to each other based on the relationship they have. How close are you standing to the person you're talking to? If you are with a good friend then the space between you two will be small, if you are with an acquaintance then it will be a little larger. You boss will have an even larger space and then a stranger will have the largest distance of all. No matter what words you choose, if you stand too close (causing the person anxiety) your message will be lost.


2. touch
Are you a bone-crusher or a dead fish when you shake hands? Touch tells a lot about the person. A decent, evenly matched handshake is best, but what about all the others? If you walk up with a smile and shake someone's hand while also putting your hand on their shoulder, you are expressing dominance. This may be the message you'd like to send to an employee, but not to your boss. If you want to come across as an independent woman taking on the world but when offer an over-the-top (think: prince kneeling to kiss the back of the hand) handshake, then your submissive actions have just contradicted your independent efforts.


3. face
It is so true, the eyes are the window to the soul. What kind of eye contact do you maintain? Looking at someone is the start to a conversation. Humans (and apes!) use eye contact/stare downs to establish dominance. This goes far beyond the playground games. If someone is talking to you, do you meet their gaze or do you feel the need to look down. If it's the latter, then you may have more of a struggle on your hands to establish your independence. Interestingly, the reverse of this is helpful in dating--looking down and tilting the head is a sign of vulnerability/submission, taken to mean romantic interest on the woman's part.

find order in childhood disorders

ADD, ADHD, ODD..the list goes on and they all end with the same "D"--disorder. The D travels with the diagnosed kids, sometimes making for an uncomfortable day. Teachers are upset, parents are upset and most importantly the kids themselves are upset. Some days may seem like a losing battle to these kids. Add a new letter, O = Order. Here are 3 easy steps to help add some "O!"

1. make it mundane

Routine and structure are comforting. We all like to know what to expect. As basic as it sounds, regular (early) betimes, mealtimes and diet choices are key. With the rush of each school week, it's easy to stray and have a fast food dinner after baseball practice followed by a late bedtime and homework finished over breakfast in the morning. While this may fit in all the activities, it's not setting your child up for success. Slow down. Take a breath. Decide what's most important here--getting your child's behavior back under your child's control. Make sure to keep the routines simple and predictable.



2. visit school

We are visual creatures by nature. Your hearing the descriptions of your child's school behavior may not be enough--you might need to see it, too. Schedule an appointment--drop-ins are not usually met with open arms--with your school to first discuss the behaviors (be sure to bring an extra set of ears as you might not catch all the details) and then ask to observe your child where you can't be seen (behaviors typically change when a parent is spotted). Once you see the targeted behaviors occur in school, you might recognize them in other settings and can then use the teachable moment to help your child find different behavioral choices to make once back in school.



3. group work

Social skills groups are so beneficial because they use the power of peer pressure. While individual counseling is great, sometimes having the therapist tell the kid-on-the-couch what he needs to do (not the goal of most therapy sessions, but sometimes the perception of the child/client) can be met with some resistance. A skilled group leader can coax all those great lessons right out of the mouths of your child's peers. Anything sounds better coming from a friend than an adult! Ask your school guidance counselor for a list of outside counseling resources and recommendations for a social skills group. Look/ask for a group covering social skills, impulse control, and self-esteem.

kick judgment aside

It's easy to do, to think I can't stand the way she always butts in conversations or That guy has no concept of how arrogant he sounds. We are human, we judge everything we experience--each one of us perceives reality with our own filter. However, there are times when our judgments can go too far, closing us off from valuable relationships. Here are 3 easy steps to kick negative judgments aside.

1. the percents
You will never get 100% from anyone, even from yourself. Yet, we hold out and expect everyone else to be perfect. Look at a person and find the good, the funny, the efficient, whatever it is that you like. Hold onto that trait and accept that, for this individual, this may be all you get. There's a percentage you will find with each person in your life and, over the long haul, these percentages will add up to well over 100. Keep in mind that all your needs will not be met in one place (nor will you be able to meet all of someone else's needs!).

2. bragging
Complaining is bragging. How? By saying, He always arrives to class/meetings late, or, She's always talking about stuff she doesn't know, you are bragging about you handle your affairs. The listener hears you say, I value promptness and I am never late, and, I value intelligence and only speak of what I know. Great values, yes, but they don't need to be broadcast in this manner. Your actions will speak louder than those negative words. Let your calm, accepting reaction to someone else's infraction speak volumes about your patience, tolerance or compassion.

3. step aside
Giving someone the chance to figure out a problem (social or otherwise) is a great gift. We all are at different points on our journey of life and will eventually meet at the end. Trust that, like you've experienced, the out-of-line person will not be pleased or comfortable with his/her actions. No one wants to miss the mark, we all want to win the superstar award. Wait for a private moment and use encouragement to help. Can I walk with you to class/the meeting? might be the beginning of both promptness and a new friendship!

have a fun weekend

It's the weekend! Wahoo! What are you doing to make the most of it? Make a list. We schedule in commitments all work week long, why not do the same for the weekend? Commit to doing some favorite activities. If each family member makes a short, 3-item list, you'll be sure to have a full weekend full of smiles! Here's my list of 3 for this weekend.

1. sleep in
The time slept-in to is relative. The alarm usually goes off at 5:30, so to be able to sleep, uninterrupted, until 7:30 or gasp 8:00 is a treat.

2. cook
A new cookbook and a full pantry, what more could I ask for? On the list is home made bacon and an apple slab cake. Yum!

3. homework
Escaping all ties to reality would not be a good set-up for Monday. So, homework has a place, too. I actually like studying--while it may not be relaxing, it is still enjoyable.

bring back common courtesy

He’s such a nice boy! She’s so polite! We all love to hear people say these comments about our kids. Common courtesies allow us to step out of ourselves for a moment and help make the world better for the person next to us. It’s the little ways we show our respect for each other—peers and authority figures alike.

Here are 3 easy steps to teach some basic common courtesies. Let the compliments pour in!

1. list
With your child, each make a list of all the things you’d love for people to do for you when you walk into a room, join a conversation or are looking for a place to sit at lunch. Include everything from opening doors to not chewing with a full mouth to inviting a new friend to read with you in the library. Select 3 things on this list that you think are easy enough to expect others to do for you. You know what’s next—commit to doing these very three things for a week yourself, as in you are doing these things for someone else without expecting anything in return. You’ll be amazed at what becomes habit!

2. microphone, please
Announce the common courtesy you are doing as you do it. For example, Here, let me get this snack wrapper off the floor for you, while picking up the trash for the individual who may not (or may!) know that it fell. Get double credit for your good deed—it feels good and your teaching the other person how to do it, too. You are paying the favor forward, next time this person will be more inclined to help you out.

3. see the invisible
We see hair color, clothes and behaviors, but what about the other parts that make each person unique? Use play-doh to mold a symbol which represents what you bring to a conversation. Are you the sports stats go-to person? Maybe you shaped a football to represent this. Are you more of a listener than a talker? You might have made an ear. Do this as a family and share what each person’s contribution to the group is. Finish with a brief discussion about how we all bring something special to the room, and without each one of us the room would not be the same. Take the conversation one step further and identify which strengths you see in others that you’d like to develop in yourself.

quit wasting time

Quit lollygagging! What's taking so long? You've been doing homework for 2 hours, what's taking so long? Kids are known for wasting time. No one's born with great time management skills, they are learned. Here are 3 easy steps to help teach your child the fine art time management.



1. calendar skills/agenda
This sounds so basic, but unless you teach calendar skills, the days of the month are nothing more than little squares under a pretty calendar picture to your child. Post a family calendar on the fridge and have each member post important events--birthdays, dental visits, big homework assignments. This will start with you saying, You have a spelling test on Friday, come put it on the calendar, walking your child thru the process. Eventually, your child will begin to post events without your prompting, Mom, I'm going over to Susie's house on Friday, I'll put it on the calendar. Make sure to make a big deal out of those moments--this is the behavior you've been encouraging.

2. space out work, don't cram
This is the hardest skill. If a project isn't due for 2 weeks, why should I start working on it now? Sit down with your child and the calendar. Post the final due date and then work backwards. Perhaps 3 days prior to the due date you post a rough draft date, 3 days prior to that you post an outline date, 3 days prior to that you post complete readings, and so on. By spacing out, or chunking, the project, it will be completed in a relaxed, comfortable manner. Hint: Most of the time when teachers assign these longterm projects, they are looking for evidence time management skills.


3. raise expectations
There is truth in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do you expect your child to dawdle? Are you waiting for the Hurry up! argument? We typically get what we are looking for. Change your pattern. Put structures in place to keep work moving in a timely manner. Expect homework to be completed by 8:00 (you set the time that best suits your family) and it will start to be completed sooner and sooner--give your child a chance to catch up to your new expectations. We all want to please (yes, even your grouchy teen wants to please!). Make sure you're aware of the expectations your child is trying to live up to.

stop doing your kids homework!

You've been to school. Surely you've said these very words to your child (repeatedly!) when in the midst of nightly homework arguments. Live up to it. Don't do their homework for them.

Parents doing homework is such a trend that many teachers require the bulk of written work to be completed in class or ask for a disclaimer the child signs saying that the above work is, in fact, the student's original work.

Here are 3 easy steps to get out of the habit of doing your child's homework.

1. know the difference
...between helping and doing. When your child complains that there are too many math problems, help with time management, chunking groups of 10 problems at a time with a treat at the end of each group. Don't say you do the first 10 multiplication problems and I'll do the second set of 10. If your child is stuck on a problem, the quick response is to just say the answer: 7x9=63 but the way to help is to remember the math strategies: Let's think about this, what's the highest multiple of 7 you know? Add 7 more to it and so on. Remember your goal here--you want your child to grow into a bright, confident, resourceful adult. The real world doesn't have people to do the work you don't want to do. It's a tough lesson, and there won't be smiles, but teach the tough stuff now. Can you imagine this behavior in an adult?

2. structure
Build the scaffolding around your child's work. For the afternoons, make a homework schedule and stick to it. Routine is comforting as everyone involved knows what to expect. TVs are off, cell phones in chargers and computer use is in common areas. If you have work you've brought home, now is a good time to do it, too. The message conveyed to your kids is that this house is one which respects hard work enough to reserve time each day to do just that.

3. be ok with the fall
As with anything, there will be ups and downs. The goal is for more ups than downs over the long haul. Let your kid know that you trust him/her enough to leave the schoolwork in his/her hands--that is until the school contacts you. As long as your child is managing, go with it. Responsibility is so hard to grasp (just read the newspaper for people who don't get it!), and your child is willing to try. Step back if a low grade or missed homework comes to your attention, ask your child what he/she plans on doing to remedy this situation. Try whatever is offered. By doing so, you're showing you have faith in your child's ability to handle things.

transform annoying kids

Every morning you start the day with the same get-ready-for-school argument and round out each evening with a homework, brush-your-teeth, I-don't-care-what-Johnny's-mom-bought trifecta. Here are 3 easy steps to help transform your annoying kids.

1. carve (out time)
Captain Obvious says: Your kids want your attention. They found out that driving you nuts works, but not entirely because the attention they are getting includes you working on your frown lines rather than working on parent/child bonds--not their first goal, but it'll do in a pinch if they don't know any other way to engage you. Give them what they want on your terms. Set 30 minutes aside, turn off your phone, and be (as in a Zen, in-the-now moment) with your kids. Do what they like to do--paint, ride bikes, play with lovies. Quality is so much more than quantity. Satisfy their need for 1:1 time, give them your full attention.

2. channel Gandhi
If mornings are the toughest (read: worst) time of day you spend with your kids, use Gandhi's quote as your mantra: Be the change you wish to see in the world. If it drives you nuts that your kids aren't up, dressed, fed and have lunches packed when you emerge from your room, then be the change by waking up 15 minutes earlier, walk the kids thru key parts of the morning. Your built in extra 15 minutes won't make you late and you are modeling (one of the strongest forms of learning) exactly how you want your kids to organize their morning (teaching time management).

3. compartmentalize
Instead of thinking I can't stand my kids in the morning!, think, I can't stand the arguments in the morning! Sounds like semantics, but it's so much more. To say you can't stand your kids is a general comment about who they are as individuals, fairly hard and involved to change. Saying you can't stand the arguments is much smaller and easy to change. Compartmentalize each behavior/time of day that you struggle with and tackle each one at a time. Before you know it, change will be on the way!

pencil in a family meeting

With busy schedules starting in Kindergarten and ending, well, never, how do you come together with the entire family on a regular basis? Pencil it in! Here are 3 easy steps to conduct family meetings in your house.

1. announce
Post the day, time, duration (20-30 minutes is plenty) and topic of the family meeting for at least 24 hours. While you may be ready to talk this instant, the 24-hour time delay will force you to think about your position and prepare ideas. For example: You've just put your dog down and now the hamster died. While your knee jerk response might be to gather the kids and go to the first pet store you see to replace the furry family members, sitting on the feelings for one day might allow time for alternative ideas (like researching pets and finding one that fits your apartment lifestyle better than a Great Dane).

2. conch
Establish what will be the conch--anything from a pencil to a trophy will do. The only way for a family member to talk is if he/she is holding the conch. Every idea is considered, everyone has a voice, no one is too young, too silly, too anything. Determine a pattern so the conch is shared equally (pass in a circle, raise hands, etc).

3. leave 'em wanting more
Be sure to end no later than the time you announced, and don't be afraid to end before then if the meeting has met its goal. You want to keep this meeting as part of your family life, right? Then don't re-hash details, or spend all your time on negativity (We have a problem with people leaving shoes everywhere, which reminds me, those shoes are full of dirt and stink! Who do you think has to clean...). Make sure to balance a concern with fun. After you discuss the distribution of chores for the week (short, maybe draw tasks out of a jar) spend time talking about a weekend family outing (who wants to go tubing at the spring on Saturday?). Always end on a good note and they will keep coming back for more.

boost confidence

We all feel a little shaky at times. Here are three easy steps to help remember who you are and boost your confidence back up.

1. define
Self concept is how you define yourself. Don't get stuck in the past. You are not the chubby kid with braces and acne in 80s anymore! We change all the time but forget to update our personal definition. Who are you today? Think learning styles (how do you learn-having the material explained verbally, reading a book, walking thru the problem?), attitudes (are you an optimist or pessimist, are you open to new experiences or prefer routine?), social styles (are you more introverted or extroverted, do you like change or are you a creature of habit?) and creative styles (are you right or left brained, do you think outside of the box?).

2. feel
So you've defined yourself, but how do you feel about the list? Do you like who you are? Are there parts you'd like to change? Self esteem is the feeling we attach to our self concept. Perhaps you are an extrovert who would really like to learn how to find joy and entertainment in the quiet moments without relying on a room full of people. Or, perhaps you're a hands-on learner who is struggling with an online stats course offering only written explanations. Feeling bad about these circumstances won't change the circumstances. Change them! Get your feelings in line with your definition or vice versa. You want congruence. Maybe the online stats course was not for you--you're not dumb, you just learn differently and prefer an instructor to help you thru the problems, register for the inclass option next semester!

3. perceive
Perception is your personal reality. It is exactly the way you take in the world, but recognize that no one else will have your exact perception about anything. It all happens in your mind, based on past experiences trying to make sense of new experiences. Here's where you can take charge. Decide today how you would like to perceive yourself. Think: I am a smart student, I am an organized parent, I am a powerhouse of knowledge at work, I am confident. When you feel weak, repeat your new definitions of yourself, like a mantra. Start with the words, then live up to these words with your actions/definitions and the positive feelings will follow.

what's your parenting style

While no one fits entirely in one category, each parent tends to favor one of these groups more than the other two. Which one are you? Take one day and count how many times you say no. It will be an eye opener if you are not sure just where you stand. Here are the 3 main categories of parenting styles.

1. strict
Also known as authoritarian. When you say jump, your kids ask how high. To you, obedience=love. You are your child's keeper. You are focused on the rules and insist on obedience at all costs. Usual household management revolves around punishment and reward (think: military). Be careful, if you ban something too passionately it will become the forbidden fruit!

2. indulgent
If you are a permissive parent, you worry your child won't like you if you say no. Or, perhaps it's too much trouble to follow up if something is banned so rather than have to deal with the argument later, you just say yes now. To you, freedom=love. You are your child's friend. Does your child just get cash whenever he/she wants it or is there some sort of earning process involved? A word of advice, you are not your child's friend, you are the parent. Your child wants a parent who sets boundaries, not freedom without limits.

3. balanced
The official term for this parent sounds a lot like #1, but it's very different: authoritative. This style balances the parent's need for structure (authoritarian) with the child's need for independence (permissive). To you, working together=love. You are your child's parent and mentor. The key is moderation, a give and take relationship between parent and child.