It's painful to watch our children suffer from low confidence. Parents can see all the potential in the world in their children from the outside, but if the child doesn't see that potential, it doesn't matter. How do you hold up the mirror? Here are 3 easy steps to pave the way to future confidence.
1. commitment
Have a frank discussion with your child. You would be amazed at what tough concepts children grasp. By 8th grade, many children readily admit they'd like to have more confidence (social interactions, academics, public speaking). Don't feel you have to wait until then to ask. If your child is exhibiting signs of low self confidence, step in. Start a conversation. Ask, If you had a magic wand, what would you change? This will give great insight as to what the child sees as the problem. The actual term self confidence may not come out. Use the phrasing your child uses (I want to be able to meet new friends--social confidence/I want to ask Mrs. Smith for help in math--academic confidence/I want to be able to raise my hand when I have a question--public speaking). Once you zero in on the desire, ask for a commitment: Let's commit to this. I'll help you the best I can, and you agree to put forth the effort it will take to make this change.
2. thoughts
Listen to your child on a regular basis. I said "listen" rather than "talk" for a reason. Still have a conversation, however, keep an ear out for descriptions. Is your child setting him/herself up for success or failure? Change is shaky ground and there is comfort in the familiar--in this case, past behaviors are the comfort zone. Keep your tone non-punitive, and keep the pressure on. Ask questions like: Who were you thinking about talking to today? Notice there is no judgment about whether or not contact was made, just that the thoughts were there. What math problems were you stuck on? How are you going to figure out the answers? This helps your child think of solutions, and will most likely come back to asking the teacher. Did you feel like raising your hand today? In which class? Again, no shame for not doing so, just keeping the thoughts in mind.
3. actions
Ok, you can only think about things for so long. Now it's time to act. You and your child committed to the process of change. As a parent, you keep working in step 2. At the same time, enlist the help of some trusted school personnel or coaches or mentors...anyone in a leading capacity that can intervene. Let them know what you and your child are working on. Let them know you are keeping the conversation alive at home and are now ready for a little encouragement from the other end. Perhaps the teacher on duty at lunch can arrange new seating assignments, the math teacher could offer an after school session or the language arts teacher could ask your child to read his/her paragraph aloud. Everyone can help set your child up for success.
It truly does take a village to raise a child. Call in the villagers!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
go light on holiday gift spending
We have been in an economic crunch for some time now. However, when holidays come around, there is a big push for lots of presents. This is the year, you've done so well with your budget for the past 11 months, there's no need to blow it now. Here are 3 easy steps to help you go light on gifts this holiday season.
1. go green
Wrapping can eat into your budget. Forgo the fancy ribbons, they just end up in the trash anyway. Wrap your gift in fabric, a dish towel, newspaper, magazines, paper grocery bags the kids decorated, saved bags from years past. You get the idea: reduce, reuse, recycle. Family members will love to see special artwork on the wrappings. Kids will love "finding" wrapping material.
2. one main gift
Kids want one main gift. This month I've been working with students from 3rd to 8th grades, and asking them what they want this holiday season. I wish I could keep a list and tell every parent what was said...most of them want a phone or an ipod touch. Yes, big ticket items. But if you pick one, it's not so bad. And honestly, when the sky was the limit to say what all they wanted, they were hard pressed to say much more. All they asked for was one gift--and that took some thought.
3. do you really want it?
As a parent, you've had a number of these holiday seasons. You have your own bank account and the ability to purchase whatever you want whenever you want. That being said, is there something you haven't bought yet that you really want? Or, it is just the idea of having gifts...or the idea of sharing with friends what your spouse bought you? Find out what your gift receiving mentality is. There's nothing wrong with it, but know what you're dealing with on the front end. Keep your wants in check. Decide what's more important--giving or receiving. Most importantly, when the budget is gone, the shopping ends.
1. go green
Wrapping can eat into your budget. Forgo the fancy ribbons, they just end up in the trash anyway. Wrap your gift in fabric, a dish towel, newspaper, magazines, paper grocery bags the kids decorated, saved bags from years past. You get the idea: reduce, reuse, recycle. Family members will love to see special artwork on the wrappings. Kids will love "finding" wrapping material.
2. one main gift
Kids want one main gift. This month I've been working with students from 3rd to 8th grades, and asking them what they want this holiday season. I wish I could keep a list and tell every parent what was said...most of them want a phone or an ipod touch. Yes, big ticket items. But if you pick one, it's not so bad. And honestly, when the sky was the limit to say what all they wanted, they were hard pressed to say much more. All they asked for was one gift--and that took some thought.
3. do you really want it?
As a parent, you've had a number of these holiday seasons. You have your own bank account and the ability to purchase whatever you want whenever you want. That being said, is there something you haven't bought yet that you really want? Or, it is just the idea of having gifts...or the idea of sharing with friends what your spouse bought you? Find out what your gift receiving mentality is. There's nothing wrong with it, but know what you're dealing with on the front end. Keep your wants in check. Decide what's more important--giving or receiving. Most importantly, when the budget is gone, the shopping ends.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
change what's not working in your life
If something is not working, you know it instantly. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us forget that we have control over our lives--you have the ability to make choices. Here are 3 easy steps to help you come up with options the next time you'd like to see change.
1. reframe
How can you reframe, or see, this situation differently. Let's say that you are so annoyed that your reading group friend is always showing off. It seems like all she does is talk about herself and how great of a reader she is. This can get annoying. What if you looked at it differently? What if you tried to see her as a great teacher, sharing new authors and discussing styles. Or, perhaps you could reframe her as someone who really needs to shine in this reading arena because she has other struggles you are aware of. She still has the same behaviors, but you see them in a different light. No comments need to be made, just a shift in your thought process gives you the space to not be so annoyed.
2. walk away
Simply leave the relationship. If you are in a reading group and her book comments drive you nuts every week, then leave the group. Remember, you can't ask someone else to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. So, don't rally friends to oust the annoying one, you simply move to a different group.
3. make a change
Here's the toughest, but often the most rewarding. Have a conversation with the annoying individual. Without blame, discuss what is working and then what isn't. Come prepared with suggestions (I love our reading group, but I can't help but notice that you seem to dominate the conversation. I love your contributions, but sometimes I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise. Is there some way we can structure our conversations so we all get equal talk-time?). As long as you are respectful and include yourself in the changes, things should work out just fine. You'll be enjoying your reading group in no time!
1. reframe
How can you reframe, or see, this situation differently. Let's say that you are so annoyed that your reading group friend is always showing off. It seems like all she does is talk about herself and how great of a reader she is. This can get annoying. What if you looked at it differently? What if you tried to see her as a great teacher, sharing new authors and discussing styles. Or, perhaps you could reframe her as someone who really needs to shine in this reading arena because she has other struggles you are aware of. She still has the same behaviors, but you see them in a different light. No comments need to be made, just a shift in your thought process gives you the space to not be so annoyed.
2. walk away
Simply leave the relationship. If you are in a reading group and her book comments drive you nuts every week, then leave the group. Remember, you can't ask someone else to do something that you are not willing to do yourself. So, don't rally friends to oust the annoying one, you simply move to a different group.
3. make a change
Here's the toughest, but often the most rewarding. Have a conversation with the annoying individual. Without blame, discuss what is working and then what isn't. Come prepared with suggestions (I love our reading group, but I can't help but notice that you seem to dominate the conversation. I love your contributions, but sometimes I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise. Is there some way we can structure our conversations so we all get equal talk-time?). As long as you are respectful and include yourself in the changes, things should work out just fine. You'll be enjoying your reading group in no time!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
shed complication from your life
Keeping it simple can seem complicated. Shedding the layers of trappings we've all slowly but surely added over the years can feel like stepping out on a tight rope. However, rest assured that once you reduce your clutter (material and emotional) you will feel light as air. Here are three areas that benefit most from a mental de-tangling.
1. love life--security vs. love
We provide for the ones we love, or so the logic goes. Unfortunately, this seems to break down in some marriages. Financial security is a pale second to emotional connections. What steps could you take to improve passion or strengthen emotional bonds in your significant relationship? Ask yourself: Is this a relationship of passion or convenience? Is this love or security? The answer is not always to walk away from each other, in fact, walking towards each other is often the first step in rekindling the love.
2. food life--"value added" vs food
Our food system is a mess--my opinion. The concept of "value added" is what big food industries have to explain the use of all the non-food product that's in our kitchens. The "value" they add is cheap shelf life via additives and preservatives. These are inexpensive ingredients which add bulk to the original food (it did start with nature somewhere) and keep the product on the shelf longer (giving you more chances to buy it). What to do? Keep food as close as you can to the way nature intended it. Get in the kitchen. Cook. But I'm too busy... schedules... school... work... Ok. But remember, you are what you eat. Seems like we could all take a little time to examine just what we are putting in our mouths.
3. friend life--the Joneses vs friends
The social ladder is there, keeping up with the Joneses is huge. Decide if this is really a ladder you want to climb. You know who the group's gossip is, the pot-stirrer, the nay-sayer... do you want one of these names? Just what do you have to do to get to the top of the ladder, and when you are there, then what? Step back from the ladder and be friends with each person. There is good in everyone, even those you labeled a few sentences earlier. Letting go of the rivalry gives you new perspectives. Now that you are not in competition with them, you may not even see why you named them in the first place. Judgement is a burden; free yourself.
1. love life--security vs. love
We provide for the ones we love, or so the logic goes. Unfortunately, this seems to break down in some marriages. Financial security is a pale second to emotional connections. What steps could you take to improve passion or strengthen emotional bonds in your significant relationship? Ask yourself: Is this a relationship of passion or convenience? Is this love or security? The answer is not always to walk away from each other, in fact, walking towards each other is often the first step in rekindling the love.
2. food life--"value added" vs food
Our food system is a mess--my opinion. The concept of "value added" is what big food industries have to explain the use of all the non-food product that's in our kitchens. The "value" they add is cheap shelf life via additives and preservatives. These are inexpensive ingredients which add bulk to the original food (it did start with nature somewhere) and keep the product on the shelf longer (giving you more chances to buy it). What to do? Keep food as close as you can to the way nature intended it. Get in the kitchen. Cook. But I'm too busy... schedules... school... work... Ok. But remember, you are what you eat. Seems like we could all take a little time to examine just what we are putting in our mouths.
3. friend life--the Joneses vs friends
The social ladder is there, keeping up with the Joneses is huge. Decide if this is really a ladder you want to climb. You know who the group's gossip is, the pot-stirrer, the nay-sayer... do you want one of these names? Just what do you have to do to get to the top of the ladder, and when you are there, then what? Step back from the ladder and be friends with each person. There is good in everyone, even those you labeled a few sentences earlier. Letting go of the rivalry gives you new perspectives. Now that you are not in competition with them, you may not even see why you named them in the first place. Judgement is a burden; free yourself.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
generosity of self is priceless
The world needs monetary donations, there is no denying that fact. If you have the means to write a check, take food or offer much needed items, then by all means, do so. However, somewhere along the way, the idea of "generosity" changed, now most of us immediately assume the generous person is one who gives away material goods. Here are 3 easy ways to be generous without spending a dime, and the effects are priceless.
1. your gift
Each of us has a talent, a gift. Perhaps you paint or read or build woodwork, our gifts are usually our hobbies. Share your gift with someone. I read books, how do I share this gift? you may be asking. Simple. Read to someone, start a book club, introduce a new author to a friend (and, of course, give some of those books on your bookshelf away). I paint, how exactly does that work as a gift? The obvious answer would be to give some paintings away as gifts, but what about offering a free class at your church or community center. You don't have to be perfect, just willing to share.
2. inclusion
It doesn't matter how young or old we are, there always seem to be cliques, and there is always a less-popular crowd (or worse, a single, ousted person). We all know who is left out socially. Reach out, include this person. Ask about his/her life story, you will be amazed at the different paths that bring us together in this world. Your new friend will feel the generosity of your time, interest and inclusion.
3. chain reaction
It doesn't matter what you do, just as long as you do something. If you can't muster up the courage to go too far out of your comfort zone just yet, smile. Look at someone and smile a genuine smile. Smiles are contagious and your gift will continue to travel long after your smile fades.
1. your gift
Each of us has a talent, a gift. Perhaps you paint or read or build woodwork, our gifts are usually our hobbies. Share your gift with someone. I read books, how do I share this gift? you may be asking. Simple. Read to someone, start a book club, introduce a new author to a friend (and, of course, give some of those books on your bookshelf away). I paint, how exactly does that work as a gift? The obvious answer would be to give some paintings away as gifts, but what about offering a free class at your church or community center. You don't have to be perfect, just willing to share.
2. inclusion
It doesn't matter how young or old we are, there always seem to be cliques, and there is always a less-popular crowd (or worse, a single, ousted person). We all know who is left out socially. Reach out, include this person. Ask about his/her life story, you will be amazed at the different paths that bring us together in this world. Your new friend will feel the generosity of your time, interest and inclusion.
3. chain reaction
It doesn't matter what you do, just as long as you do something. If you can't muster up the courage to go too far out of your comfort zone just yet, smile. Look at someone and smile a genuine smile. Smiles are contagious and your gift will continue to travel long after your smile fades.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
build confidence for the holiday party circut
It's that time of year. All the parties and mingling are at their peak. That's great for the extroverts, but what about the other half? Fifty percent of us are introverts. If you have a stack of invites collecting on your fridge and want this year to be different (read: you can start a conversation rather than wait in a corner for someone to start one with you), then keep reading. Here are 3 easy steps to build your party confidence.
1. rsvp yes
When the invite comes in, call the host to confirm your attendance. Don't let the invite hang over your head like a dark cloud or wait for something better to come up--just do it. Commit. Put the date in your calendar. Tell people you'll be there. It's tougher to bail out when friends are expecting you.
2. rehearse
Yes, rehearse. You've already established that "winging it" in cocktail conversations is not your style. Have 3 ready-made conversations in your pocket. Be sure two of these topics are shared experiences, as in the others in the conversation will be able to contribute (ex: work related story, family, kids) and the other is specific to you (ex: kite boarding, stamp collecting, dog breeding). If the conversation dips, you can always ask people about themselves (ex: How do you know the host? What do you do for a living? What got you interested in your hobby?). People love to talk about themselves, as long as they don't feel like you are prying.
3. fake it 'till you make it
No one will know the difference if you feel truly confident or if you are faking a confident disposition. So go ahead and fake it 'till you make it. Try on the confidence (NOT arrogance) and start these conversations. You have the tools, now make it your own. With practice, you will be able work a party room without too much pre-planning. Your confidence will shine thru and parties will be fun again.
Happy Holidays!
1. rsvp yes
When the invite comes in, call the host to confirm your attendance. Don't let the invite hang over your head like a dark cloud or wait for something better to come up--just do it. Commit. Put the date in your calendar. Tell people you'll be there. It's tougher to bail out when friends are expecting you.
2. rehearse
Yes, rehearse. You've already established that "winging it" in cocktail conversations is not your style. Have 3 ready-made conversations in your pocket. Be sure two of these topics are shared experiences, as in the others in the conversation will be able to contribute (ex: work related story, family, kids) and the other is specific to you (ex: kite boarding, stamp collecting, dog breeding). If the conversation dips, you can always ask people about themselves (ex: How do you know the host? What do you do for a living? What got you interested in your hobby?). People love to talk about themselves, as long as they don't feel like you are prying.
3. fake it 'till you make it
No one will know the difference if you feel truly confident or if you are faking a confident disposition. So go ahead and fake it 'till you make it. Try on the confidence (NOT arrogance) and start these conversations. You have the tools, now make it your own. With practice, you will be able work a party room without too much pre-planning. Your confidence will shine thru and parties will be fun again.
Happy Holidays!
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