It's easy to be thankful for each other and all the blessings in our lives on Thanksgiving day. But what about the other 364 days of the year? Here are 3 easy steps to help keep that appreciative spirit all year long.
1. percentages
You can't get 100% out of anyone, meaning that you will never find a person who is 100% perfect. No one is perfect, not even you! But there is always a percentage of the person that is exactly what you are looking for. Some people may be up in the 90s, others down in the teens. No matter what the percentage, there is a part of everyone that you will like. Take note of those qualities and be thankful the individual is in your life. All those percentages can add up to be a great, fulfilling group of friends.
2. food
Yes, the dining table is the gathering place. Even though we over-book ourselves so much of the time, we humans can't escape the need to eat. Carve out a family dinner whenever you can, serve the food from the table (as opposed to leaving the dishes on the stove), and listen to the conversation. Kids grow, interests change, friends come and go...you are all on this journey together. Be conscious of the growth and thankful for being included.
3. invisible people
There are a lot of people in you life who help you through the day--and you don't even know (or care to know) their names. As you travel from sun up to sun down, make an effort to look around at all the faces smiling and hands helping. Living in a vacuum would be a lonely place. Take a moment to say a meaningful "thank you" to someone you have taken for granted.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
Enjoy your family and loved ones. Enjoy your friends and colleagues. Eat lots of great comfort food and take time to remember all the ways love touches your life.
Ashley
Ashley
Thursday, November 19, 2009
successful brainstorming
"Go have a brainstorming session and get back to me with some ideas."
We've all heard this. We all know the goal of brainstorming--to come as with as many ideas as possible. But how the heck are you supposed to go from zero ideas to the brainstorm? Here are three easy steps to get the ideas flowing.
1. quantity over quality
Put everything down on paper (or screen). Nothing is too big or too small or too crazy or too anything. This is one of the few times when quantity overrules quality. No need to think about details, how to make an idea work, how to pay for materials, etc. Let go of your practical side. Everything goes on the list.
2. walk on the wild side
Go big. Go crazy. It's easier to reign in a wild idea than it is to beef up a wimpy one. Let your creativity take the wheel. Easier said than done. Set ground rules ahead of time. This may sound elementary, but it never hurts to remind group members that every comment is respected, each voice is of equal importance and that disrespect (scoffing, dismissal of an idea, snickering, etc) will not be tolerated (go ahead and add that anyone displaying such behavior will be asked to leave the group). This will help group members feel free to unleash their imagination.
3. think "Lego's"
Towards the end of the brainstorming session (but this is not "the" end of it!) start connecting the ideas you've collected. Pass the list around, let group members work with the ideas collected. How can these ideas build on each other? What can you add to someone else's contribution? What do these ideas inspire in others? Your mare practical thinkers will be helpful here in connecting the dots.
It will take some time to re-train your thinking to be open to free-flow, free-style problem solving (usually we have and end goal in mind, but with this style we don't). Give it time. Next thing you know, you'll have ideas flowing all over the place.
We've all heard this. We all know the goal of brainstorming--to come as with as many ideas as possible. But how the heck are you supposed to go from zero ideas to the brainstorm? Here are three easy steps to get the ideas flowing.
1. quantity over quality
Put everything down on paper (or screen). Nothing is too big or too small or too crazy or too anything. This is one of the few times when quantity overrules quality. No need to think about details, how to make an idea work, how to pay for materials, etc. Let go of your practical side. Everything goes on the list.
2. walk on the wild side
Go big. Go crazy. It's easier to reign in a wild idea than it is to beef up a wimpy one. Let your creativity take the wheel. Easier said than done. Set ground rules ahead of time. This may sound elementary, but it never hurts to remind group members that every comment is respected, each voice is of equal importance and that disrespect (scoffing, dismissal of an idea, snickering, etc) will not be tolerated (go ahead and add that anyone displaying such behavior will be asked to leave the group). This will help group members feel free to unleash their imagination.
3. think "Lego's"
Towards the end of the brainstorming session (but this is not "the" end of it!) start connecting the ideas you've collected. Pass the list around, let group members work with the ideas collected. How can these ideas build on each other? What can you add to someone else's contribution? What do these ideas inspire in others? Your mare practical thinkers will be helpful here in connecting the dots.
It will take some time to re-train your thinking to be open to free-flow, free-style problem solving (usually we have and end goal in mind, but with this style we don't). Give it time. Next thing you know, you'll have ideas flowing all over the place.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
are you stuck in "groupthink?"
Irving Janis said, "Groups can bring out the worst as well as the best in human decision making." Think about the groups to which you belong. Do you feel each group ensures that each idea is given equal time, that all alternatives are explored, and that there is not a popular or unpopular side of thought to fall on? Here are 3 easy steps to check the level of groupthink in your groups.
1. invulnerability
Members are so secure that their ideas are correct that there is complete dismissal of contrasting ideas. A lesser degree of this self-righteousness might be a general sense of smugness by group members. Rationalizations are offered to explain away any opposing arguments.
2. We vs. They
Pressure to conform. Those who don't conform are misguided (or worse, considered dumb). If you are a member of the group, agreement with decisions is expected. Those in the know wouldn't question the group's accepted thoughts.
3. self-censorship
You have an idea but don't share it with the group for fear you will not be in alignment with the group's ideals. Rather than explore your views you remain silent. Silent members are assumed to be in agreement with what has been said.
1. invulnerability
Members are so secure that their ideas are correct that there is complete dismissal of contrasting ideas. A lesser degree of this self-righteousness might be a general sense of smugness by group members. Rationalizations are offered to explain away any opposing arguments.
2. We vs. They
Pressure to conform. Those who don't conform are misguided (or worse, considered dumb). If you are a member of the group, agreement with decisions is expected. Those in the know wouldn't question the group's accepted thoughts.
3. self-censorship
You have an idea but don't share it with the group for fear you will not be in alignment with the group's ideals. Rather than explore your views you remain silent. Silent members are assumed to be in agreement with what has been said.
Monday, November 16, 2009
your family's unspoken rules
There are plenty of unspoken, unwritten rules we all live by. In some families, children should be seen but not heard. In others, don't answer back when being disciplined. And then others might insist that children never go into Mom and Dad's room. Here are 3 easy steps to check your feelings about your family's unspoken rules.
1. identify the rules
Sometimes rules are so embedded in family thought processes that they are difficult to uncover. Ask yourself: I would be in so much trouble if ____. Mom/Dad always insist the kids ____. My husband/wife expects me to _____.
2. the counselor-y question
How do you feel about these rules? If you like them, then the rules are fine. If the rules make you or anyone else uncomfortable, then perhaps it's time to re-examine the rules. Are you an adult still consumed by the rules imposed by your parents? Are you now imposing similar rules you learned from your childhood?
3. do something
You've identified some rules you've outgrown (they may have worked in the past but now you'd like to let them go). You have the power to change them. How? Have an open conversation with your family. Say you'd like to have some help modifying this family rule. State the rule and have a brief discussion about it. Don't turn it into a lecture, and remember to be humble. You are asking for help. You may be surprised later on when this rule comes flying out of your mouth and your child reminds you that you ask for help in eliminating it.
1. identify the rules
Sometimes rules are so embedded in family thought processes that they are difficult to uncover. Ask yourself: I would be in so much trouble if ____. Mom/Dad always insist the kids ____. My husband/wife expects me to _____.
2. the counselor-y question
How do you feel about these rules? If you like them, then the rules are fine. If the rules make you or anyone else uncomfortable, then perhaps it's time to re-examine the rules. Are you an adult still consumed by the rules imposed by your parents? Are you now imposing similar rules you learned from your childhood?
3. do something
You've identified some rules you've outgrown (they may have worked in the past but now you'd like to let them go). You have the power to change them. How? Have an open conversation with your family. Say you'd like to have some help modifying this family rule. State the rule and have a brief discussion about it. Don't turn it into a lecture, and remember to be humble. You are asking for help. You may be surprised later on when this rule comes flying out of your mouth and your child reminds you that you ask for help in eliminating it.
what kind of family are you?
We use the word "family" so often, yet there are so many different kinds of families out there. Which kind are you?
nuclear family--includes a mother, father and one or more kids
blended family--two adults and children from previous relationships
single parent family--either a mother or father and one or more kids
live-in couple--two adults living together, without a marriage, and with or without kids
integrated family--parents with children of different races or religions
boomerang family--parents of adult children who are returning home to live with parents again
commuter family--one parent travels to a distant city for work and stays for a period of time
Whew! When someone says, "My family does things this way," step back a minute to think that all families are not the same and perhaps there is not one right way to do things.
nuclear family--includes a mother, father and one or more kids
blended family--two adults and children from previous relationships
single parent family--either a mother or father and one or more kids
live-in couple--two adults living together, without a marriage, and with or without kids
integrated family--parents with children of different races or religions
boomerang family--parents of adult children who are returning home to live with parents again
commuter family--one parent travels to a distant city for work and stays for a period of time
Whew! When someone says, "My family does things this way," step back a minute to think that all families are not the same and perhaps there is not one right way to do things.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
step in or mind your own business?
This is a question we all struggle with. Do you see potential for growth or change where your colleague might have a blind spot? Is a family member fighting a battle and you'd like to offer support? Not every situation is one to rush into. With adults, one person's help is another's nosey-ness. Here are 3 easy steps to determine if your help is wanted.
1. remember
You've known this person long enough to have watched him/her receive help in the past. Perhaps you were not the one offering it, but you were a bystander. What was the talk like? Was this person thankful for the help, using it in a productive manner or was the help perceived more as a nuisance and dismissed?
2. watch
Watch how this person talks about the issue of concern. Are you a sought out companion when times get tough or does this person have another go-to source for support? Are you brought questions for input or simply statements of what's already been decided.
3. offer cautiously
After pondering the above two questions, you decide to offer your insight--do this cautiously. Remember, the same message (the same words!) sounds different coming from different people. Is this a message that should come from a boss, a doctor or some other official? If you still feel the message could come from you and be helpful, go for it. You are a great friend/family member for taking the time to consider how your help would be received.
1. remember
You've known this person long enough to have watched him/her receive help in the past. Perhaps you were not the one offering it, but you were a bystander. What was the talk like? Was this person thankful for the help, using it in a productive manner or was the help perceived more as a nuisance and dismissed?
2. watch
Watch how this person talks about the issue of concern. Are you a sought out companion when times get tough or does this person have another go-to source for support? Are you brought questions for input or simply statements of what's already been decided.
3. offer cautiously
After pondering the above two questions, you decide to offer your insight--do this cautiously. Remember, the same message (the same words!) sounds different coming from different people. Is this a message that should come from a boss, a doctor or some other official? If you still feel the message could come from you and be helpful, go for it. You are a great friend/family member for taking the time to consider how your help would be received.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
foster independence
We all want our kids to be independent. We also want to help our kids avoid any mistakes. Sometimes these two wants fight each other. Here are 3 easy steps to instill independence.
1. reframe
Kids can get into the habit of only talking about what's not working. Every night, they unload all the negativity of the day onto you. Your parental instinct wants to fix every problem and make everything better, so you ask for details, offer suggestions, follow up on things the next night...and so on. Next thing you know, all you and your child talk about is what's wrong with each day. Help your child reframe the day's events. Yes, the unpleasant stuff is still there, we rarely have days that are 100% focused on us. And feel free to explore the negative stuff, too. However, end on a high note. Make sure the "frame" that hangs around that day is framing a positive event. This is not a material moment (ex, buying something), rather an independent moment (ex, finally finding success with a friendship, understanding an academic concept that was difficult).
2. let go
Swooping in and saving the day for a little one is a very different action than doing so for an older child. In fact, it can hinder the learning and independence of older children. This is not to say that you simply leave your child to fend for him/her self. Rather, you talk thru options and help your child come up with a plan for action. Note: this process is not you telling your child what to do. Yes, it would be a step back from you "doing," but you will want to go one step further and let your child stretch his/her thinking powers and try to develop some strategies alone. Once a strategy (ex, if your child thinks the teacher hates him, then perhaps he could offer to stay after and straighten up the desks/whereas if you went into the room, you would have a conference) is selected, your child will try it out the next day. Be there the following afternoon to see how things turned out. Remember, we rarely find the perfect solution the first time. Bite your tongue if you know what you want your child to do and let him/her find the way independently.
3. leader to mentor
This is not an overnight change. When kids are young, you are the leader. You tell them how to eat, what to wear, etc. As they get older, your role shifts from leader to mentor. While it's easy to see your mentor-role in late teens to adulthood, it is a very blurry line when shifting from leader to mentor in the tweens and teens. Some areas your child will be able to handle (perhaps your child is an ace at completing homework and doesn't need you to check it every night), while other areas will be tricky for some time to come (friendships may be difficult for years to come). Follow your gut. You are the parent and know what's best. Just keep the idea of the transition of leader to mentor in the back of your mind.
1. reframe
Kids can get into the habit of only talking about what's not working. Every night, they unload all the negativity of the day onto you. Your parental instinct wants to fix every problem and make everything better, so you ask for details, offer suggestions, follow up on things the next night...and so on. Next thing you know, all you and your child talk about is what's wrong with each day. Help your child reframe the day's events. Yes, the unpleasant stuff is still there, we rarely have days that are 100% focused on us. And feel free to explore the negative stuff, too. However, end on a high note. Make sure the "frame" that hangs around that day is framing a positive event. This is not a material moment (ex, buying something), rather an independent moment (ex, finally finding success with a friendship, understanding an academic concept that was difficult).
2. let go
Swooping in and saving the day for a little one is a very different action than doing so for an older child. In fact, it can hinder the learning and independence of older children. This is not to say that you simply leave your child to fend for him/her self. Rather, you talk thru options and help your child come up with a plan for action. Note: this process is not you telling your child what to do. Yes, it would be a step back from you "doing," but you will want to go one step further and let your child stretch his/her thinking powers and try to develop some strategies alone. Once a strategy (ex, if your child thinks the teacher hates him, then perhaps he could offer to stay after and straighten up the desks/whereas if you went into the room, you would have a conference) is selected, your child will try it out the next day. Be there the following afternoon to see how things turned out. Remember, we rarely find the perfect solution the first time. Bite your tongue if you know what you want your child to do and let him/her find the way independently.
3. leader to mentor
This is not an overnight change. When kids are young, you are the leader. You tell them how to eat, what to wear, etc. As they get older, your role shifts from leader to mentor. While it's easy to see your mentor-role in late teens to adulthood, it is a very blurry line when shifting from leader to mentor in the tweens and teens. Some areas your child will be able to handle (perhaps your child is an ace at completing homework and doesn't need you to check it every night), while other areas will be tricky for some time to come (friendships may be difficult for years to come). Follow your gut. You are the parent and know what's best. Just keep the idea of the transition of leader to mentor in the back of your mind.
Friday, November 6, 2009
questions that need your answers re: my blog
I'm considering changing my blog format and want to know your thoughts.
1. three pages
This would separate the articles for (1) parenting, (2) education, and (3) self help. With this format, the reader could click directly to the desired section. Would this be too many clicks to hold your interest or do you see it as a better way of sorting information?
2. a store
Over the counseling years, I've collected various tools and books that I find particularly helpful. In the store, items would be paired with my personal lesson plans and packaged together for sale. Do you already have a "go-to" source for all things counseling (if so, where?) or would you like to shop at this sort of store?
3. What is this site missing?
It's no small undertaking to make the move to an online store. Any feedback you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time and insight.
Ashley
1. three pages
This would separate the articles for (1) parenting, (2) education, and (3) self help. With this format, the reader could click directly to the desired section. Would this be too many clicks to hold your interest or do you see it as a better way of sorting information?
2. a store
Over the counseling years, I've collected various tools and books that I find particularly helpful. In the store, items would be paired with my personal lesson plans and packaged together for sale. Do you already have a "go-to" source for all things counseling (if so, where?) or would you like to shop at this sort of store?
3. What is this site missing?
It's no small undertaking to make the move to an online store. Any feedback you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time and insight.
Ashley
Thursday, November 5, 2009
public temper tantrums
We've all been there, feeling like every eye and ear are set squarely on us. Each comment and action is being scrutinized. It's enough to paralyze even the best parent. Here are 3 easy steps to help you keep your cool and deal with your child's public temper tantrum.
1. stay the course
If your child senses that public temper tantrums are the way to get what he/she wants, then your child will use them all the time--the opposite of what you are looking for here. Make sure you stick to the usual rules regardless of who's watching the outburst. Your child just refused to follow directions, threw his lunch box down and is walking away from you. Would you allow this at home? No. So don't allow it here.
2. forget about embarrassment
Easier said than done, but you have to let the embarrassment go. Think of it this way: you can have an embarrassing moment or two while you publicly correct this behavior, or you could allow the behavior and always be embarrassed by public outbursts you've conditioned your child use when he/she wants something. Seems like a no-brainer.
3. follow up at home
The moment has passed, you dealt with the outburst publicly. Great, but there's still one more step. Readdress the outburst at home. Don't get into the details of what the temper tantrum was about, that's been resolved. What needs attention is the fact that this was a very public display of inappropriate behavior. Be clear that such behavior is not acceptable in your family. This doesn't need a ton of words, just a couple of succinct sentences with a firm tone will get your point across.
1. stay the course
If your child senses that public temper tantrums are the way to get what he/she wants, then your child will use them all the time--the opposite of what you are looking for here. Make sure you stick to the usual rules regardless of who's watching the outburst. Your child just refused to follow directions, threw his lunch box down and is walking away from you. Would you allow this at home? No. So don't allow it here.
2. forget about embarrassment
Easier said than done, but you have to let the embarrassment go. Think of it this way: you can have an embarrassing moment or two while you publicly correct this behavior, or you could allow the behavior and always be embarrassed by public outbursts you've conditioned your child use when he/she wants something. Seems like a no-brainer.
3. follow up at home
The moment has passed, you dealt with the outburst publicly. Great, but there's still one more step. Readdress the outburst at home. Don't get into the details of what the temper tantrum was about, that's been resolved. What needs attention is the fact that this was a very public display of inappropriate behavior. Be clear that such behavior is not acceptable in your family. This doesn't need a ton of words, just a couple of succinct sentences with a firm tone will get your point across.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
your kid's views on cheating
Do you really know what your child thinks about cheating? We'd all like to assume that our children would never cheat, that they know why it's wrong. Here are 3 easy steps to start the conversation and gain some insight into your child's views on cheating.
1. watch
Play some games. See what happens. If you are playing Chutes and Ladders with your 5 year old, he/she may scoot the player over to avoid the long chutes. Learning that rules are for everyone is part of the developmental process at this young age. If you are playing cards with your middle schooler, and every time you look the other way the cards change, it's a different story. The "developmental stage" excuse to explain the behavior is no longer there.
2. bite your tounge
Don't say anything about the cheating until the game is over. Chances are, the cheater will win. As the cards are thrown back in for another round, ask the group if anyone else noticed the cheating going on. If you saw it, probably others saw it, too. Let that comment hang. Your child (the one who cheated) will want to fill the silence with rationalizations in support of cheating: It's just a game, I was playing, It's ok if you don't get caught...Hold your judgments for the moment and let your child continue. This is where you will gain the most insight. How does your child explain this dishonest behavior to him/herself? If the conversation lags a bit, ask some questions to the group like: Since we know there was cheating, does the winning still stand? or Who's ready for another round?
3. use the moment
Keep playing, and without preaching, share your views on cheating. Keep it brief. You've already gotten your child's attention with the embarrassment of being caught (he/she may laugh it off and say there wasn't an attempt to be sneaky, but rest assured there was the hope that the behavior wouldn't get caught). Keep playing the game, keep the light conversation alive. You want to maintain this connection with your child, so don't shut it down with a heavy lecture. Your child wants to please you. Your child also needs you to lead him/her down the right path. Don't let what looks like simple cheating in a card game turn into something more serious down the road--talk about it now.
1. watch
Play some games. See what happens. If you are playing Chutes and Ladders with your 5 year old, he/she may scoot the player over to avoid the long chutes. Learning that rules are for everyone is part of the developmental process at this young age. If you are playing cards with your middle schooler, and every time you look the other way the cards change, it's a different story. The "developmental stage" excuse to explain the behavior is no longer there.
2. bite your tounge
Don't say anything about the cheating until the game is over. Chances are, the cheater will win. As the cards are thrown back in for another round, ask the group if anyone else noticed the cheating going on. If you saw it, probably others saw it, too. Let that comment hang. Your child (the one who cheated) will want to fill the silence with rationalizations in support of cheating: It's just a game, I was playing, It's ok if you don't get caught...Hold your judgments for the moment and let your child continue. This is where you will gain the most insight. How does your child explain this dishonest behavior to him/herself? If the conversation lags a bit, ask some questions to the group like: Since we know there was cheating, does the winning still stand? or Who's ready for another round?
3. use the moment
Keep playing, and without preaching, share your views on cheating. Keep it brief. You've already gotten your child's attention with the embarrassment of being caught (he/she may laugh it off and say there wasn't an attempt to be sneaky, but rest assured there was the hope that the behavior wouldn't get caught). Keep playing the game, keep the light conversation alive. You want to maintain this connection with your child, so don't shut it down with a heavy lecture. Your child wants to please you. Your child also needs you to lead him/her down the right path. Don't let what looks like simple cheating in a card game turn into something more serious down the road--talk about it now.
Monday, November 2, 2009
kids can handle (and benefit from) some hard work
Today, most parents feel the need to make life easier for their kids. Easier than what? Than the life the parents had? Than the life the neighbor's kids have? Than the life of someone less advantaged? Here are three ideas supporting the idea that kids can handle (and may benefit from) some hard work.
1. self-reliance
Kids can figure out a lot--not just kid stuff, either. Give your child a job. Was a metal toy left in the tub and now there's a rust stain? Hand your child a sponge and some Comet to get the stain off. Sure, if this is new, you'll hear a lot of complaining at first. But when your child figures out that whining is not working, it will stop. Keep checking in. You may need to explain the idea of "elbow grease" and that there's nothing "magic" about Comet. When the stain finally comes off, be there with a smile and talk up the self-reliance angle. Your child figured out how to get a seemingly impossible stain off the tub--alone. Hooray for your child!
2. use all those working parts
Kids problem solve in school, why not bring it home. Is a bike not pedaling smoothly? Look at the parts, figure out how they are supposed to work. Put a can of WD-40 in your child's hand (and be ok with the mess). Let your child fiddle with the bike until the ride is smooth again. Yes, your child may forget where parts go if too many are taken off at once, but that's ok, too. He/she's learning the mechanics of a toy that was, most likely, taken for granted. If it broke, your child would have asked for a new one. Now he/she's figuring out the way it works, and might be able to fix it again in the future. Your child is in there, getting dirty hands and really thinking about the problem of the clicking pedal.
3. satisfaction in a job well done
Weeding is not the preferred activity of many people. However, there is something satisfying about getting all those weeds out and looking at a nice, clean flower bed. Put your kids on the job. They see you outside all the time, they know you're not making them do something you wouldn't do yourself (because then it might be seen as punishment). Offer some cash for a big job, but don't help if you're paying. Make sure the payoff matches the labor. When it comes time to give the money, be sure to say thanks for the large job completed and the care taken to pull every weed. Your child will have the satisfaction of pleasing you, a clean flower bed and now a little cash in the pocket.
1. self-reliance
Kids can figure out a lot--not just kid stuff, either. Give your child a job. Was a metal toy left in the tub and now there's a rust stain? Hand your child a sponge and some Comet to get the stain off. Sure, if this is new, you'll hear a lot of complaining at first. But when your child figures out that whining is not working, it will stop. Keep checking in. You may need to explain the idea of "elbow grease" and that there's nothing "magic" about Comet. When the stain finally comes off, be there with a smile and talk up the self-reliance angle. Your child figured out how to get a seemingly impossible stain off the tub--alone. Hooray for your child!
2. use all those working parts
Kids problem solve in school, why not bring it home. Is a bike not pedaling smoothly? Look at the parts, figure out how they are supposed to work. Put a can of WD-40 in your child's hand (and be ok with the mess). Let your child fiddle with the bike until the ride is smooth again. Yes, your child may forget where parts go if too many are taken off at once, but that's ok, too. He/she's learning the mechanics of a toy that was, most likely, taken for granted. If it broke, your child would have asked for a new one. Now he/she's figuring out the way it works, and might be able to fix it again in the future. Your child is in there, getting dirty hands and really thinking about the problem of the clicking pedal.
3. satisfaction in a job well done
Weeding is not the preferred activity of many people. However, there is something satisfying about getting all those weeds out and looking at a nice, clean flower bed. Put your kids on the job. They see you outside all the time, they know you're not making them do something you wouldn't do yourself (because then it might be seen as punishment). Offer some cash for a big job, but don't help if you're paying. Make sure the payoff matches the labor. When it comes time to give the money, be sure to say thanks for the large job completed and the care taken to pull every weed. Your child will have the satisfaction of pleasing you, a clean flower bed and now a little cash in the pocket.
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