step away from the "should"

Mom, quit judging me! Dad, you expect me to be you! Ever hear comments like these before? If so, you've been spreading the judgment and guilt a little thick. Here are 3 easy steps to release judgment and step away from the "should."



1. see

Take 5 minutes and use statements of what is--not what it's like, what's expected or what was intended. Speak only in this present tense without any sort of opinions about what you are experiencing. Instead of saying, It's cold in here, say It's 73 degrees on the thermostat. This exercise will help you see just how many judgments you make in a short 5 minutes.



2. be

Spend one day trying to be perfect. Yes, it is impossible to achieve. You surely know what everyone in your life expects of you. Life is a usually a balance of which expectations you choose live up to and which ones you ignore. For this day, try to be everything everyone wants you to be. Chances are you will end your day frustrated and exhausted. Remember this feeling.



3. release

Release the word "should" from your vocabulary. Should carries so much judgement, You should clean the hamster's cage every Saturday, sounds much different from, Please clean your hamster's cage, it's Saturday. Say the latter and you'll avoid imposing the heavy weight of judgment (the feeling you remember from step 2) and probably get the chore done with a smile.

avoid being "that" parent

Every parent fears being "that" parent. You know the one: always overly involved in the child's life, micro managing the school day, popping in unannounced and telling the teacher how to run the classroom. Obnoxious, no doubt. Reality is that there aren't too many of these parents out there! Here are 3 easy steps to calm you fears and help you stay connected to the school without feeling like "that" parent.



1. do your homework

Schools are prepared to meet students at individual levels--some excel when reading the directions, some like to have it explained verbally and then others like to walk through a process alone before asking questions. Teachers are ready for all types of learners--this counts for parents, too! Read the syllabus, go to open house and hear the information and then go to a few school events and walk through the halls at school events. Figure out how you learn best and use that style to get to know the new grade's requirements.



2. pencil it in

One open house may not be enough, you might want to know more about the specifics of your child's performance. No problem, contact the teacher(s) and schedule a conference. There's nothing worse for a teacher than being grabbed in the hallway for "just a minute" and end up spending the next 30 minutes talking about a student on the fly. Teachers want you in the loop and encourage a home-school connection. Get the most out of your conference by scheduling a date with the teacher so he/she can prepare work samples and offer suggestions tailored to your child's strengths and weaknesses.



3. use a dimmer switch

"Dimmer switch" sounds like the opposite of "school improvement," but go with me here. As your little angel gets older, allow for more independence. Where you may have checked every single piece of homework in younger grades, you middle schooler is ready to take that responsibility on. Don't go from "on" to "off" (like a light switch--see the metaphor?) use a dimmer switch to ease yourself out of the HM (homework manager) position and help your child learn the organization style that best meets his/her needs.

break into a new group of friends

New kids, new schools, new teachers, new peers...it's enough stress to make a kid forget who he is. Here are 3 easy steps to help your child remember his/her strengths and have the confidence to join a social group.



1. step back

You don't have to climb the whole mountain in one day. Determine what social settings in the school day are most stressful. Lunch, break and after school are typically high-stress times for kids who haven't found their niche yet. Most breaks are around 20 minutes, lunch 45 minutes and after school varies. The day is not so overwhelming when the stressful events can be reduced to smaller pockets of time.



2. label

Label yourself. What is it that makes you you? When you are in your comfort zone, what characteristic best describes you? When your old friends hang out with you, how do you act? These questions get to the core of who your child is and where his/her comfort zone is in social settings. There's strength in comfort. Find these labels. When weak, insecure feelings creep in, use self talk to remember strengths: I am funny and love telling jokes! or, I love soccer and hanging out with the team. Look around at the kids in the grade in an effort to match yourself with potential friends. Remember: the match is with strengths and characteristics, not popularity.



3. commit

Here's the hard part, committing. Back in step 1, you identified the stressful times of the day--stressful because they were less structured social times for friends to hang out between classes. Commit to going to one of those free times (find "shelter" for the others, make plans to go to the library, visit a teacher, read a book, do homework, etc) and joining a conversation. Yes, this will be difficult, but you've got to put yourself out there. You've done the homework, you know who the different groups are, and most importantly, you know who YOU are and the kind of friend YOU want.

let your kindergartener go to class--alone

Kindergarten is so young, 5 years old! They're babies. How can you possibly let your little angel walk to the K classroom all alone and then drive away? Here are 3 easy steps to help you do just that.

1. do your homework
Know the ins and outs of your school, learn the teachers' names, visit the office and introduce yourself to everyone there. Be a part of your school, and let them know you--before there is a problem. The more you know about the school and people your trusting with your child, the more comfortable you'll be driving away in morning after dropping off your child at school.

2. do recon
You are hoping your child knows how to get to the classroom, where the bathrooms are and how to find help if he/she gets lost--but do you? Go to the school and see all these places for yourself. You'll discover how well planned out the school is (most schools have all necessary locations very close and easily identifiable for the youngest students) and you'll be able to identify landmarks when talking with your child at home about the school day.

3. trust
Here's the biggie--trust the experts. You chose this school for a reason, you've done your homework, you went on your reconnaissance mission. Now it's time for your child to gain the independence of managing his/her own school day. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your child's learning experience.

make my kid stop being so mean

There's a lot of talk about kids being picked on, but what if your the parent of the kid who's doing the picking? Where's your support group? Chances are, you have a child who's stuck and doesn't know to get out of the rut (reputation) he/she's created. Here are 3 easy steps to start helping your child quit being so mean.

1. reach out
Your child may be thinking: I'll start picking on you before you start picking on me! This line of thought keeps your child in control, using fear as a wall to keep others from getting too close and seeing his/her inadequacies. Help your child go out on a limb and make friends. Have adult get togethers in your home with one or two other kids present--as in visible to the adults at all times. Your child will feel safe in his/her own home and the adult presence will squash the temptation to start dishing out negativity. Repeat these get-togethers regularly with the same kids and parents in an effort to build bonds for your child (and you, too, with the parents). Eventually the bonds will transfer to the playground and fun will replace name calling.

2. shift blame
Many times, kids feel they are mean in response to some injustice they've received. The finger is always pointing somewhere else. There is a saying: Where ever you go, there you are. If the isolation and negativity follows your child from one setting to another, it's time to look inside. What small change is your child willing to make? Perhaps your child will say: I'll stop calling Joey a "stupid dork." True, it's not the full extent of what you hoped your child would say, but it is a start, and it is on your child's terms. Go with it. What's most important here is that your child is learning to modify his/her behavior to change the outcome of a situation. By not relying on blame, your child will gain some control over what happens next--in a positive way.

3. release the trap
Explore new ideas for hobbies. Your child might feel trapped in the "mean" reputation, thinking: If I'm not the mean kid, then who am I? Offer alternatives, try rock climbing, swimming, bmx, skateboarding, sailing, football, baseball, reading, drama...throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. Your child, no matter how reluctant, will eventually find something interesting to do. Kids are amazingly forgiving. Your child will be able to assume a new, positive identity and have friends.

help your child find friends

It is so painful to see your child without any friends. It's even worse to watch your child get picked on or made fun of. What's a parent to do? Here are 3 easy steps to start getting your child some friends.



1. watch

Before you can help any situation, you need to know the full picture. Is your child's perception the reality of the situation? For example,your child might say/perceive he's minding his own business when other kids start to call him names, yet after spending a some time at the park you witness your child walking straight to the basketball court and calling the unpleasant names out first, thus starting the day's exchange . Yes, whoever starts things, it's still wrong, and your child seems to always end up on the losing side of the name-calling battle. Help is clearly necessary. But you need to know what you are dealing with here and how to tailor your interventions.



2. ask

Ask your child what he/she thinks of what's happening. This may sound like a no-brainer, of course being the butt of a joke is not an enjoyable experience. What you're looking for is the degree to which your child is unhappy, the degree to which he feels in control. Questions to consider: Does your child have a go to friend, someone he/she can always turn to (remind your child of friends from years past, schedule play-date to rekindle friendship on home turf)? Can your child physically play the games he/she wants to join (maybe brush up baseball skills in the yard)? Is there some sort of safety net, like a book or ipod, your child can keep so he/she won't be left on the playground, milling around with nothing to do (we all need an escape hatch every now and then)? Exploring the answers to all these questions will boost confidence, as your child will not be relying on watching others for free-time entertainment, rather your child will have a plan and be in control of what he/she does next.



3. connect

This is where you, the parent, can really step in. Kids are supervised by adults for a reason--there are some situations kids can't handle alone, they need guidance. You've chosen these people to take care of your child, clearly you trust them to some degree. Let them in, tell them about your child's difficulty making friends and interacting appropriately. Talk in specifics (Susie starts to argue and cry if the girls don't acknowledge her when she joins the conversation) rather than generalizations (Susie's not getting along with her friends). Ask one of these adults to be your eyes and ears. This will not only help your child navigate these friendship waters, but also alert administration if any inappropriate behaviors are occurring.



This is a start. This is not the end. Confidence, helping your child feel comfortable in his/her own skin--these are quests that last a lifetime.

explain racy comments

A mom asks, "My child just came home and asked what Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me means. How do I explain this one?"

Whew! What a way to start the new year! Clearly your child is having conversations outside of the teacher's earshot. Not to worry. These questions are completely normal. And while you may have visions of having to explain all sorts of sordid sexual acts, it won't be that bad. Here are 3 easy steps to explain racy comments to your tween.

1. take comfort
There's good news here--your child came to you rather than asking a friend. You have laid the groundwork for your child to see you as a safe resource for tough and embarrassing questions. Granted, she may not know the sexual nature of what she's asking, but you're ready to go in that direction if the conversation goes there. Take your time in answering, and remember that you are answering, not asking more questions like who said that? where were you? where was the teacher? what did you say? and so on. All stuff you surely want to know, but answer your child's curiosity first and let the conversation unfold naturally.

2. answer
Remind your child about the full phrase, Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. She'll remember it and then ask, But why would whips and chains excite me? Stay with me here, this is where your heart will pound out of your chest. Say, Some people like to constantly push the limit. Have your child think of some ways she's pushed the limit of the rules before and find ways she's seen people at school push the limit, too. Then add, And with the whips and chains, they are pushing the limit again. Clearly most people wouldn't get excited about the idea of playing with whips and chains, so someone who says this wants to stand out from the crowd by doing something different. They are looking for the shock value in the comments they make. Have your child think of some ways said or done something for pure shock value or things she's seen peers do (hint: almost every child has discovered the value of shock!).

3. follow
This is where you tailor your discussion to her needs. Listen to where she goes with her curiosity. What part of this exchange at school most intrigued her? Was it the fact that whips and chains seemed absurd? Then a simple explanation will suffice. Was it that a cool kid made the comment? Then a discussion about what makes kids popular, and the control she has in who is popular, could follow. Does she have an inkling that the comment was sexually suggestive? Then brush up on your birds 'n bees conversation, because you're getting ready for the next installment (beyond the sperm and egg talk and into the social aspect of sex). Be ready to answer the question from her starting point.



Thanks for the question on Twitter! That was a good one :)

relax after the first week of school

School supplies, lockers, teachers, homework--you made it through the first week of school. While collapsing on the couch is one way to relax, sometimes it's hard to unwind. Here are 3 easy steps to relax and recharge after the first week of school.

1. make a list
Yep, a list. Put everything running through your head down on paper. Now, put that paper in a safe place and don't look at it for at least an hour, hopefully you can leave it alone for the full weekend. The list not only ensures you won't forget anything important, but also affords you the luxury of not having to worry about the daily hassles and errands while you spend a few minutes of quality "me" time.


2. get wet
Leave the air conditioned four walls behind and get some fresh air. Head out to the beach or a spring or lake. Water is rejuvenating. Experience the world through your senses. Let the fresh air blow your hair, taste the cool water, listen to the sounds around you, smell the fresh vegetation, and see the way the light is filtered through the leaves. Slow your mind from the work/school day pace and take in your world in new ways.


3. go deep
Retreat into your own mind. Meditate, pray, breathe. Calm the mind by visualizing each thought as a cloud passing across the front of your forehead. Acknowledge the thought then let it's cloud float by, following it with your mind's eye. Set a timer, reduce distractions and enjoy your 30 minutes of meditation.

make your kid behave in school

What parent hasn't heard this from a teacher: Little Johnny's behavior is unacceptable, please make sure he understands he has to follow directions while in my class.

Hmmm...how are you, the parent, supposed to make your child behave in class when you aren't even there? You're at work and your child is at school! Believe it or not, it is possible to have a lasting impression on your child--and have it translate to better classroom behavior. Here are 3 easy steps to show you how.



1. talk
Get the details from everyone involved. Each source will have a slightly different point of view--the teacher, your child, the administrator, the counselor. Put the pieces together and figure out what's what.


2. create
Create a game plan. Start small. Your child is rebelling, so a complete 180 isn't going to happen over night. Sit with your child, see his/her side, and ask what he/she thinks would be the easiest behavior to change first. Don't push for more than your child offers. Your child will test you (keep doing particular behavior, change this behavior but add new misbehaviors) to see if you really are willing to be a parent-child team. Once a problem behavior is singled out, let the school know specifically that your family is working on ______ (ex: not talking in class, arriving to class on time, respectful comments to teachers). Give your child time to experiment with his/her new rule-following behavior. Remember: this new compliance is unexpected in your child's social circles. One step at a time, and don't expect a full change over night, there will be setbacks along the way.


3. follow-up
Keep the conversation going with your child. Ask how things have changed, if teachers or friends have noticed new behaviors and how your child feels in class. Be sure to share with your child areas in your life that you may be working on as well. It will help your child tremendously to know that he/she is not the only one who has behaviors to improve. Keep the conversation going with the school, too. School's are happiest when parents partner with the school.

get conversation flowing with your child

How was your day? Good. What did you do? Stuff. Do you have any homework? Yes. Like what? Ugh! Why are always so suspicious?! Leave me alone!

Sound familiar? Here are 3 easy steps to start a conversation with your child.

1. listen
Sounds like the opposite of what you want to do, but try it. Look for topics your child is trying to talk about. Maybe she's brought up a certain teacher several times or pondered a particular friendship issue. When these comments arise, use them to start a conversation on your child's terms (read: talk when your child's ready, not just when you are).

2. tread lightly
If you've already set up the interrogation style conversational pattern, it'll take a little time to move out of it. Initial conversations may only be one or two comments a piece. Resist the temptation to pry. You'll think to yourself, We're on a roll, I want just one more piece of information, or He wants to talk, he's waiting for me to ask. Don't do it. These are your old habits calling you.

3. offer insight
Most of us remember being a kid, the teen angst and feeling the scrutiny of the social scene. Call up these memories and share your experience with your child. You do get it. Tap into those feelings from school-days-past and give your child a glimpse of who you were at his/her age--the good, the bad and the ugly. There aren't many of us who pride ourselves on our middle school decision making skills. Your child will appreciate you sharing some of your escapades, and maybe learn a thing or two without having to re-live a similar experience.

make homework a breeze this year

Ugh. Homework again. Parents everywhere dread the argument that starts in September and lasts thru May. The battle begins as soon as you see your child after school--sometimes even lasting till morning! Here are 3 easy steps to take the homework fight out of this school year.

1. plug in
If you must know the details of each night's homework, connect with the school. Most schools are on line and post assignments on the teacher's page (if not, then schedule a conference with the teacher and get your information that way). Bookmark it and stop asking your child for a detailed list every day. You have the answers at your finger tips, don't have the recite-your-homework pop quiz in the back seat of the car every day. You want your child to get in the car, right?

2. understand
What's motivating you to be so involved in your child's homework? Since your involvement is leading to repeated arguments, figure out what you value here. Are you trying to instill a good work ethic in your child, ensure good grades, or model responsibility? There are better ways to do all of this (entries in this blog!) without the homework argument. Not doing homework is a symptom, not the problem. If you are in a battle of who's-in-charge, then not doing homework is a power play to show you who's in charge. You value good grades? A child who's unhappy with your control will show you just how low the grades can get.

3. trust
This is a big leap of faith. You have to trust your child to do the homework. You will absolutely be there for any questions, but your nagging-yelling-angry-bloodshot-eyes days are gone. Yes, your child will see this as a free ticket to do nothing, testing to see if you really mean you're not arguing about homework anymore. Stay the course. Yes, your child will get in trouble at school and you will likely be contacted by the teacher asking Why isn't Johnny doing his homework? Stay strong, explain to the teacher that you want Johnny's homework to be Johnny's, and that the argument every night was taking over your family life. Most teachers will understand and work with you. Together, you and the teacher can figure out ways to place the consequence for missing homework where it belongs--in school (read: in trouble, detention, no recess, etc) rather than at home.

Here's to a great, homework-argument-free school year!

ensure a great first day of school, and more

The teachers have been putting the final touches on their rooms, parents have been all over town looking for the necessary school supplies and kids have been calling each other to see who got which teacher. All's well so far. However, as many parents know, anticipation of the new school year is much different than the daily reality of being in school. Here are 3 easy steps to start the year off (and keep it going!) on a positive note.

1. decide
Decide what kind of school year YOU, the parent, want to have. While it's your child who's in the classroom every day, you are very much in school, too. Teacher conferences, homework help, morning wake-up calls, lunch boxes, car-pools, school plays...these are a few of your school responsibilities. Perhaps in the past you've been stressed for time and these events always seemed to make you late--this year you'd like a more relaxed school year. Then sit down at the beginning of each month and write each task in your calendar. Maybe you feel that you were too relaxed last year and would like to be more involved in the school community. Call the teacher and find out ways you can help on a regular basis. One important note here, what ever goal you choose is for you, don't force it on your child. Rather you are working on your attitudes toward school. Families' attitudes rub off on each other, an as the parent, you set the tone for the family dynamic. Once you feel better about the school routines, you child will as well.

2. communicate
Before the school year starts, have a conversation with your child. Recognize what didn't work last year, and share what you would like to improve for this year. Remember this is not the time to say, Your grades didn't work for me last year! It is the time to share that you could stand to organize yourself better and will be working on things from your end. Ask your child to go through the same process as you did in step 1. It's OK, even expected, that he/she will have different answers from yours. You and your child are different people, having different experiences. Your perception is not better than his/hers and vice versa. Once you open this line of conversation, maintain it. Revisit this topic every couple of weeks to make sure you remember your goals for the year.

3. pencil in family fun
School is a big part of life, no doubt, but it is not the only part of life. Take time to plan family fun--days when there is no mention of school, teachers or homework. These days are so important to nourish family bonds. School years are intense, everyone feels the pressure to succeed, so letting off steam is crucial. Go outside, play, plan a weekend-getaway, make noise! When you come back, you will all be refreshed and ready to go the distance. Schedule these days and post them on the fridge for all to see. It's so much easier to work in smaller chunks with a goal in sight rather than trying to maintain a high level of intensity with no break on the horizon.

get your kids to stop pushing your buttons

What is your hot button? Don't know? Guaranteed your kids and know it. In fact, our kids know the button so well that they can push the button to precisely the reaction they're looking for. Don't believe me? Try these 3 easy steps:

1. cut
Cut a circle out of a piece of paper, get a pen and have a seat.

2. fill
On the piece of paper, write the following sentence (filling in the blank, too): I would be a better parent if I _______. And there you have it. Even you know your hot button. Did you say you'd be a better parent if you were home more? Bet your kids pull this out: I would have told you about the English report if you were ever home to talk to! Do you feel like you need to yell less? Bet your kids have said: You're always screaming at me, everything I do is always wrong! See the pattern? The reason these comments are button-pushers for you is because you believe there's truth in each statement. And there may be, but you are not resigned to this fate.


3. place
Take that button off your chest and put it on your bathroom mirror. When you wake up in the morning, look at the button, consider it the past, and focus on the future. If you want to be home more or yell less, then start taking steps now to make it happen. Eliminate that sore spot where you were wearing that button.

...instill a work ethic in your child

In a world that values convenience and extravagance (amazingly, even in these tough economic times!), it is possible to instill a solid work ethic in your child. Follow these 3 easy steps and you'll be amazed at what your kids are capable of doing. Yes, they are capable and, believe it or not, they want to show you just what they can do.

1. expect the best
Don't be afraid to set your expectations high. Your kids will rise to the challenge. We all do exactly what is expected of us. If you expect your child to be self centered and sit on the couch while you re-grout the kitchen tile, guess what? Your child will sit on the couch while you re-grout! Be clear in your expectations, take into consideration any physical limitations, and hold your child to your standards.

2. live the life
Do as I say and not as I do does not work. You have to walk the walk in order to be respected. Is your child's work ethic a mirror reflection of yours? Take a good hard look. What do you need to do to improve your work ethic? Keep your child in the loop as you take on new challenges. Tell your child, You know, I could have spent $300 to get the tile re-grouted, but why when I know how to do it myself? When you get tired, say so to your child, but then carry on with the job. What you're doing is modeling that work is work, it can be tiring and uncomfortable, but that's not a reason to quit. When the grout is finished, admire work--model satisfaction in the result of your hard work.

3. play hard
Everything is a balance. A life full of work is just as extreme as a life full of play--both are out of balance. Finish a job and then go to the beach or park as a reward. Each job earns a reward. Careful not to fall into the trap of going shopping, not every task requires a purchase.

As always, these 3 steps take time. Don't be discouraged if your child isn't jumping in to help after watching you do one or two tough jobs. What your developing is a pattern, and an expectation of what being a member of your family is all about.

...not let your kids tune you out.

Common sense would tell us that if what we are explaining is not understood, then we need to explain it further (read: more words, more talking). However, every parent on the planet knows that using more words is a sure way to make your kids tune you out. How can you navigate this "less is more" phenomena?

1. channel Coco Channel
Coco Channel's styling secret was to put every accessory on and then take the last one off--this way the one or two pieces she wore looked great and weren't lost in a sea of accoutrement. When you have a laundry list of problems to discuss with your child, pick one (two, if you must) to address first. You'll have plenty of time to get to the rest of your list later, one item at a time.

2. talk in snippets
Think short 'n sweet, the fewer words the better.

3. leave 'em with choices
Saying Turn off the TV and fold the laundry! will elicit a much different response than Do you want to fold the laundry now or as soon as your show is over? will. The second option offers not only a choice, but also respect. It's hard to argue with respect. We all like a little wiggle room, a little control in our lives. Be sure you extend that same luxury to your kids.

...like your child's boy/girlfriend

It's going to happen. You precious little angel is going to introduce you to someone that the cat wouldn't even drag home. Here's your defining parenting moment. How do you handle it, with shock, tears, or anger? Nope, not you, because you read these 3 easy steps:

1. breathe
Take a deep breath, count to ten, and feel the tension relax in your shoulders as you lower them down from your earlobes. Stay in control, don't get hooked into the battle (you can't tell me who I fall in love with, Mom!). One of the best ways to pull yourself together discreetly is to excuse yourself to the bathroom--hopefully no one will bother you in there! Feel the wave of relief wash over you as you remind yourself of this good news: Your child will take on the majority of your values as he/she progresses thru adolescence (research supports this). You just have to ride out this moment.

2. smile
Modeling is so important. Think about the adult you'd like your child to become--and then be that same understanding adult right now. Put a smile on your face, fake it 'till you make it (or at least until your guest leaves for the night!) then have a genuine conversation with your child. Find out what special qualities are loved the most in the new boy/girlfriend. Who knows? You may be surprised that the kid behind the eyeliner is a straight A student. Don't be discouraged if you don't find a hidden treasure, you have just shown the utmost respect for your child by having this conversation in the first place. A moment that will strengthen your parent/child relationship beyond measure

3. accept
To re-phrase, spit in their soup. If you take the fight out of the equation, what's left for your child to rebel against? You've said no tattoos for years and the new beau is covered in body art. Sounds like this relationship is for you benefit (as in, merely a tool to start arguments with you). Don't do it, don't push your child away at this critical moment. Accept your child, shower with love, and most of the "button pushing" behaviors will fall by the wayside.

...get your child in the car.

Our kids may not have total say over what happens in the home, but they sure are masters at controlling a few key situations--like getting in the car when you're in a hurry. Most of us have announced Let's go or Come on, we'll be late if we don't go now, which quickly turns into Will you just get in the car!! The only one frustrated (or concerned about being late) is the parent. What to do?

1. brain games
Don't you remember pulling these stunts as a child? The goal is not to be late, in fact, it has little to do with the car at all. You are in a battle of wills, and the prize is a small piece of control. These battles never end well, because whoever "loses" is that much more determined to "win" next time--PROLONGING the argument (the opposite outcome we're looking for). Keep your cool, have a mantra like I am the parent, or I will not get sucked into this argument. Before you yell something back at your child, repeat your mantra again. A steady mind will take you far.

2. reward chart
There are tons of reward charts out there. The idea is that each time a child performs a desired task (getting in the car with only 3 reminders--yes 3, we all need wiggle room) then a star is earned. Stars accumulate and are currency to purchase rewards. Prices of rewards are known at the start of program so the child knows what he/she is working towards. Reward charts do work. The downside is that the behavior leaves when the chart/reward is gone. If you're at your wits end and need something fast, then go for it. Just keep in mind that it's a temporary fix, a band aid.


3. routine
People are creatures of habit. We're hungry and tired at predictable times of the day. Routine is comforting, and habits come out of this comfort (ex: chewing nails comforts us when nervous, avoiding social settings keeps us in comfort zone when shy). Mentally pre-plan your exit routine before you announce it to your child. Each time you leave, regardless of time of day/circumstances, maintain your predictable pattern (ex: announce 5 minutes, then make a couple of checks on your child so he/she sees you really are leaving, lock all doors, etc). Slowly but surely your routine for leaving the house will become a comforting and predictable for your child. Keep in mind most habits require about 30 days to form.

Each of these steps will take time. There are no quick fixes. Kids will look for loopholes and test you at every turn to see if you will keep up the new structure you implemented. Keep your eye on your goal: a positive relationship with your child. You are the parent, you are in charge, you and your child can have a wonderful relationship and get past the getting in the car argument.

...enjoy your teen's hairstyle

Kids want long hair. Seems simple enough. Styles today have both boys and girls sporting tousled, windblown, effortless locks in every ad imaginable. BUT, all of us parents know there is no such thing as maintenance-free long hair! How do we find common ground between our child's independence and that messy head of tangled hair?

1. insist
You are the parent and, to quote other parents, "As long as you are under my roof, you'll live by my rules." Phrasing aside, this is the truth. You can insist on a short cut. However, you will have to weigh the perfectly coiffed photos against the very vocal unhappiness of your child (which you will hear daily, hourly!). Not to mention the fact that your child will probably figure out a way to un-style to short cut, too.

2. commit
Living in a family means helping everyone feel good about the family unit. The same way you don't pick your nose at the school play, your child doesn't need to walk around with a bird's nest on his/her head. What comes next will take a lot of work on your part, but commit to doing your child's long hair if he/she won't do it independently. Set an earlier alarm (your child's, that is), and grit your teeth while he/she squirms and screams that you're pulling every strand out/the brush is to rough/dryer is too hot/etc. Hang in there! Your child will test you on the "commit" technique (emerge from the bathroom at the last minute with that same messy head). Eventually your child will surprise you at the breakfast table with a perfect head of hair.

3. let go
When all else fails, simply let go. Your relationship with your child is worth more than an argument over hair. Natural consequences will fall into place: dating will take a hit, school will call if hair is in eyes, friends will laugh...these are not punishments, just natural results of not keeping up with personal hygiene. Letting go is the best of both worlds. The fight is gone, no need for arguments about who's controlling whom. You've allowed your child the space to grow, feel the consequences of a choice, and then determine who he/she wants to be.

This was a question asked by Gennyfer Hanvey on Twitter. Thanks, Gennyfer, for letting me answer it on my blog!

...shock your child's sleep schedule back to school times

The total body shock of waking up early for school--a topic that weighs heavily on most parents' minds in the final days of summer before the school year starts. It's so easy to let them sleep in while you enjoy a nice, quiet house in the morning, isn't it? But the time is upon us. School is right around the corner. Our children must join the rest of us in experiencing the early morning hours again.

Every parent has tried the "ease into it" method (shifting the sleep/wake times gradually), but who wants to drag the argument (But the sun's still up, Mom!) out that long? Here are 3 quick and easy ways to get the job done fast:

1. night start
This ranks highest with the unpleasant factor. Decide one night that bedtime is no longer 10:00, it is now 8:00. Yes, shark week has just started. Yes, friends are still outside. Yes, parents don't know what it means to be a kid. Blah, blah, blah. You've heard it all because you said it when you were their age, too. More important things are at stake here for a parent to consider--like getting your kid out the door that first day! Forget about those tired arguments yelled from the bedroom door. Stick to your guns and eventually your child will get bored with the one-sided fight and find something else to do--maybe even sleep!

2. morning start
Let your child go to bed at his/her normal time. Be sure he/she knows that you will be setting the alarm and expecting a 6:00am wake up time in the morning. Your child will first scoff at the idea, then assure you that the early rise time will not be a problem (and probably decide tonight's the night to watch a movie that starts at midnight). OK, no problem, let the night continue as is. Be sure you stick to your plan. You said 6:00am, so 6:00am it is. You will face resistance, be strong, be consistent, keep a smile on, be a "snooze" button returning every 5 minutes, and your child will eventually get up. Once your child is up, insist he/she takes a shower, brushes teeth, eats breakfast and gets dressed--this will help ensure they truly wake up and start the day rather than falling asleep again on the couch.

3. pure exhaustion
This is the combo approach. Start with the early rise, plan a fun and active day (hard to argue with mom when she's gone out of her way to make this day full of favorite ACTIVE-ities) with lots of movement, and then use this night to start the early bedtime. To be sure: this is not the movies we're talking about, or even lunch out. Pure exhaustion comes from activity. Think beach, park, pool, theme park, rock climbing wall at gym...

Once the new sleep/wake schedule takes hold, make every effort to keep the schedule going. It's a whole lot easier to maintain it rather than start all over each week.

Word to the wise: Keep the tone positive :) otherwise you will have an entirely different argument on your hands. Your goal here is to help your child shift wake/sleep times, not engage in a power struggle. Think "give-take." You're taking away the preferred sleep schedule, what are you giving back in return?

Good luck! Here's to a great school year!

...ways to fight sasquatch

Childhood fears can be paralyzing for the entire family. What can a parent do to help? Let's take a fairly common fear: Fear of the dark. It's late, you want to go to bed and your child is in tears because he can't get the thought of a monster out of his mind. Typical parent responses include everything from anger (It's late, go to bed!) to shame (You're afraid of a monster? tee-hee) to devaluation (You are not afraid, just go to sleep, it's nothing.) What's left? Follow these easy three steps to empower your child and the whole family will start sleeping like a baby in no time:

1. Identify
Your child is clearly scared, the tears and panic confirm this. Ask your child to keep a note pad next to him in bed. Whenever the scary thoughts come up, teach him to write or draw the the thoughts out. Explain that his imagination is growing and he's just now figuring out how to harness this gift. When the fear begins, teach him to use self talk (this is my imagination, I am ok, I can handle this).


2. Embellish
Now that you child understands he's growing into his imagination, and he's drawn the picture of Sasquatch, ask him to embellish. Add a giant foot stepping on it to change perspective, create a can of Sasquatch spray that repels the creature...the sky's the limit with embellishments. Help your child discover that he's in charge, not the monster.

3. Relax
Sleep is the main goal. Teach your child to count breaths (say, breathe in 1,2,3, out, 1,2,3), use the squeeze release method (squeeze shoulders, count to 10 and release, then move to another muscle group like arms, toes, etc., and repeat process for entire body) or focusing on relaxing a major place of tension (such as the eyes or shoulders) and visualize the area melting as the tension releases.