end revenge

If you pick on me, I'll pick on you worse...or so the logic goes. What do you when you are stuck in a war of revenge?

1. stop the cycle
It takes two to tango. If one person stops (truly stops, as in he can separate himself from feeling the tug of the argument), then the argument will fizzle out. Easy to say, hard to do. Just tell yourself: I am better than this. I don't need to be berated in this way. I am done with this exchange. Use words that feel right to you, but keep the message the same. Self talk is key. What you tell yourself is how you see the world. If you are saying: This is so unfair, I'm going to get him back! then that is what you will continue to do. Instead, remind yourself that you want out of the dispute.

2. look for the need
What is this person looking for? Revenge takes a lot of energy and usually isn't something that "just happens." Step back and think about your adversary's perspective. How did he feel slighted? How did he feel hurt? Take a close look at your actions. While your intentions may not have been to offend this person, somehow your actions did. What does this person need to move on?

3. feed the need
Clearly this individual is not able or willing to resolve these feelings alone. You are needed for closure. Is it an apology? Give it. Is it time to be heard? Listen. Time to shine at work? Step aside. Independence/trust in decision making? Have faith.

Sometimes we all get stuck in the battle of revenge. It takes a strong person to step aside, decide to make the situation better and then swallow some pride and become part of the solution. One caution: Don't become "holier than thou" because you stepped aside. It takes two to argue and two make up.