help your child grieve

Losing a loved one has got to be one of the most difficult experiences in life. When you're not sure how well you are dealing with your own feelings, helping your child through the grieving process can seem nearly impossible. Here are three easy (and comforting) steps to help your through this painful time.

1. talk
Get it all out. Talk about the good times spent with the loved one. Explore any feelings of guilt. Accept anger and then, like the shampoo bottle directs us to do: repeat. Sometimes it takes a while to understand the weight of what's said, felt and experienced. Just because you or your child can say the words, I'm so sad and mad and confused all at once, doesn't mean that the concepts are truly grasped. Verbalizing the feelings is a great start. You are to clearing up any misconceptions (ex: she's not sleeping, she's dead--this won't happen to everyone who goes to sleep in the hospital) and to making sure feelings aren't bottled up.

2. own part of the process
Share the responsibility of the services. No matter how small the "job" may be, most of us feel better if we can do something. What can your child do? Can she carry a flower, hug a family member, watch younger kids, help prepare food?

3. know when to stop the thought
After some time has passed and you feel like your child has explored her feelings well, keep your ears open for "re-hashing." Conversation moving forward is helpful, stagnant wallowing in sadness is not. If you feel this is happening, help your child stop the thought. Say, Sweetie, I know you miss Grandma, I do, too. But right now it's time to focus on (fill in the blank). There is no guilt, no judgment--just the acknowledgment that it's time to think about ____. Wallowing can become a habit. Set aside a special time to remember the loved one. You're not asking your child to forget, rather you are helping her gain control of her feelings.