help your child help a friend (and him/herself!)

Adolescence is full of "deep" issues that parents just wouldn't understand--or so most adolescents think. Somehow they've forgotten that we all must pass thru this stage before becoming an adult. Most of the deep-ness is manageable (dating, homework, gossip) but occasionally a topic arises that is, in fact, too deep for a friend to handle. Here are three easy steps to help your child help a friend.

1. insist on finding an adult
When a friend shares with your child a huge problem (divorce, depression, mental illness, abuse, etc), your child will want to try to "fix" the situation by offering suggestions and alternatives for behavior or thoughts. Unfortunately, some situations simply cannot be fixed so easily. Your child will be sucked into the problem and left feeling helpless once all suggested options are exhausted. Keep your ears open to your child's conversations. Repeatedly, before this situation arises, remind your child that the best help in tough situations comes from a trained professional. Make sure there is at least one trusted adult your child can identify at school. When the tough situation comes up with the friend, your child can say: I want to help you, but this is bigger than both of us together. Let's go talk to Mr/Mrs ____. Once the friend is in the door with the adult, then your child needs to step back (as in out of the room, and out of the equation) and let the adult help.

2. cost benefit analysis
This is tough, and no adolescent wants to do this. However, doing a cost benefit analysis is necessary. Look at the toll this relationship is taking on regular, everyday life. Is the friend isolating your child? Is your child experiencing mood changes? Is the friendship worth this experience? To be clear--it's your child's decision, not yours. Walk thru this conversation, you'll need to revisit this topic several times before any decision is made. It is not an all or nothing decision you are looking for, rather determining the level of intensity of the friendship.

3. keep a wide circle
Help your child keep a wide circle of friends. It's easy to dive into the comfort, even when the topics are scary, of one close friend. However, having a larger group of go-to people will help your child when the initial friendship gets to be too much. Another two or three people will balance the demand on your child's social time. Be sure to encourage these new friendships by offering to help coordinate out of school hang-out time. Try not to discourage the "intense" friendship, you don't want this friend to become the forbidden fruit.