foster independence

We all want our kids to be independent. We also want to help our kids avoid any mistakes. Sometimes these two wants fight each other. Here are 3 easy steps to instill independence.

1. reframe
Kids can get into the habit of only talking about what's not working. Every night, they unload all the negativity of the day onto you. Your parental instinct wants to fix every problem and make everything better, so you ask for details, offer suggestions, follow up on things the next night...and so on. Next thing you know, all you and your child talk about is what's wrong with each day. Help your child reframe the day's events. Yes, the unpleasant stuff is still there, we rarely have days that are 100% focused on us. And feel free to explore the negative stuff, too. However, end on a high note. Make sure the "frame" that hangs around that day is framing a positive event. This is not a material moment (ex, buying something), rather an independent moment (ex, finally finding success with a friendship, understanding an academic concept that was difficult).

2. let go
Swooping in and saving the day for a little one is a very different action than doing so for an older child. In fact, it can hinder the learning and independence of older children. This is not to say that you simply leave your child to fend for him/her self. Rather, you talk thru options and help your child come up with a plan for action. Note: this process is not you telling your child what to do. Yes, it would be a step back from you "doing," but you will want to go one step further and let your child stretch his/her thinking powers and try to develop some strategies alone. Once a strategy (ex, if your child thinks the teacher hates him, then perhaps he could offer to stay after and straighten up the desks/whereas if you went into the room, you would have a conference) is selected, your child will try it out the next day. Be there the following afternoon to see how things turned out. Remember, we rarely find the perfect solution the first time. Bite your tongue if you know what you want your child to do and let him/her find the way independently.

3. leader to mentor
This is not an overnight change. When kids are young, you are the leader. You tell them how to eat, what to wear, etc. As they get older, your role shifts from leader to mentor. While it's easy to see your mentor-role in late teens to adulthood, it is a very blurry line when shifting from leader to mentor in the tweens and teens. Some areas your child will be able to handle (perhaps your child is an ace at completing homework and doesn't need you to check it every night), while other areas will be tricky for some time to come (friendships may be difficult for years to come). Follow your gut. You are the parent and know what's best. Just keep the idea of the transition of leader to mentor in the back of your mind.